To answer the title question, I personally think women trail off more. Simply because we're the ones being tirelessly approached.

An episode of This American Life entitled, "674: Get a Spine!," began its episode with a prologue segment on "ghosting."

Ira Glass set up shop at a crowded vibey bar and interviewed the patrons there.

I found the answers from the various people pretty entertaining. Here's the full transcript.

Here's a few of the replies at the bar:

Woman 1: And if you're going to dwell on this date that happened and be like, well, why didn't she text me back? Why didn't I get a reason? Why did I do wrong? You're just overthinking it. I don't want to get into answering all their questions and making them feel better about themselves or giving them feedback, you know?

Ira Glass: Do you feel like you're being a coward or you're being practical?

Woman 1: Can both be an answer? I would say both.

This woman above doesn't feel like answering all of the feedback "why????"

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Ira Glass: So, lots of pick ups, lots of ghosting afterwards. It's early evening and that's what I'm here to look for-- serial ghosters, people who kiss and disappear, which are not hard to find at all. And yes, some of them definitely agreed, ghosting is bad. They felt guilty, like this woman. She ghosted a guy after seeing him for two months. Great guy, she said. Hit it off immediately. Saw each other a couple nights a week.

Woman 2: And then I went to a wedding, met another guy that I was very into.

Ira Glass: First guy kept reaching out, texting.

Woman 2: And I just wasn't responding as quickly or as often and we weren't making plans. And he said, I wonder if I'll ever see you again. And that-- I didn't respond to that. I feel really bad about it. I feel really, really bad about it still. But he's a great guy, he did nothing wrong. A great guy and I feel bad for ghosting him.

This woman above hit it off more with another guy and sort of trailed off the previous guy -- feels bad about it.

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Ira Glass: There are so many reasons to ghost. This guy for instance, has a boyfriend. He's there at his table. They're in an open relationship. And basically, he got drinks with another guy, one he met on Grindr. And it was fun. It was kind of romantic.

Man 1: I should have disclosed that I have a boyfriend, but I didn't. I think I perceived him kind of to be more monogamous. There was kind of a point where he was talking about, like, gay guys who sleep around too much.

Ira Glass: So he said nothing about his boyfriend and the open relationship. They kissed when they say goodbye. And, knowing he messed up, he ghosted the guy-- his first ghost, he says.

Man 1: So this, for me, is weird. And it is like a vortex of feelings, absolutely. It is like, why did I do that? I feel guilty about it. You're not--

Woman 2: Shame.

Man 1: I mean, shame, yes. Yeah.

This guy went on a date while in an open relationship and ghosted the guy after a date, but feels bad about it.

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Jason: She was really attractive. She thought I was attractive. And then before she gets off the train she goes, we should exchange numbers. And I go, all right, yeah, let's exchange numbers. Yeah, sure. I mean, yeah, I'll take you out sometime.

Ira Glass: Wait, you got picked up on the train?

Jason: Yes. It's not strange. It happens to me all the time.

Ira Glass: I'll say for the radio audience, you're very good looking.

Jason: Thank you.

he goes on date with her. finds out she has pet rats and had already told her family members about "the cute guy on the train"

Jason: Because she was taking the bus uptown even though the train was a block away, another red flag. Waited for the bus with her, never spoke to her again. She sent text messages, she's called, I have never responded again. There is no way I am doing anything with the rat lady, not happening.

Ira Glass: If somebody seems too out there, he says, if they seem like they are beyond reasoning with, he ghosts. He does not see this as cowardice. He sees it as standing up for himself. These unrepentant ghosters, sometimes talking to them felt like talking to hardened commandos, you know? Fresh off some battlefield who have learned that feelings are not always helpful.

The guy Jason above just didn't think it was worth it to explain to a woman he went on one date with that he wasn't into her because he thought she was a bit weird. Thinks it would just hurt her feelings more and cause him unnecessary mental stress from feeling bad about making her feel bad.

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Carrie: A couple of them would just text me like every couple of days with like a question mark. But then they just realized what was happening. And then one of them tried to reach out to me on LinkedIn.

Ira Glass: She felt like, explaining to these guys exactly why she did not want to see them-- people had done that to her and it felt terrible. It just seemed less cruel to ghost.

Carrie thinks ghostng is actually less cruel. She's been explicitly told why someone nexted her and she thinks being ghosted feels less terrible than that.

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The segment was mostly women; a gay guy; a very hot straight guy. Which is insightful. It seems the average straight man doesn't have the leverage to ghost; or feel it beneficial to his dating strategy.

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Follow up questions:

  • Are the above reasons valid?
  • What would you realistically do if you were in their situation?
  • Is there an easy way to tell someone you're not that invested in, you're not that into them without it turning into a drawn out, "but why??????"