Why do many women no longer desire sex after marriage?

Flightlessbirbz · 2022-10-04T12:08:10+00:00

I don’t think it’s usually due to marriage directly, but after a certain number of years in a relationship with someone. There can be a few different factors, some of which men tend to cause, and some they do not.

The first possibility is that her baseline sex drive wasn’t that high to start with. A new relationship sparks most people’s sex drive, even if it’s typically low, and people tend to want to impress a new love interest. As time goes on, the newness wears off, and she might get tired of doing something that doesn’t really do much for her... again. Same way you probably enjoyed taking your wife on dates when you first met, but now it feels like an expensive waste of time, and you probably no longer do it unless you feel obligated a few times a year.

Which brings me to the second possibility, which is that the man has slacked off on his efforts in other areas, put too much stress on her, and/or let his appearance/hygiene go. Too many married men stop making any effort for their wives and place a lot of demands on her. In the beginning, men go out of their way to make a woman feel special, then gradually start treating her more and more like an appliance. There’s no romance. Sex feels like just one more chore.

I’m sure the second set of possibilities will trigger some as “blaming men for everything,” but they are just very real possibilities that need to be considered. It is not always men’s fault. It could be what I described in the prior paragraph, or some combination of the two.

Sexual pain is another fairly common thing that doesn’t get talked about nearly enough. Many women experience pain or discomfort during sex, or tend to develop UTIs and infections after. She might put up with it for a while, but eventually it’s going to feel like a whole lot of not worth it. A doctor can help, but you have to find the right one.

InfamousBake1859 · 2022-10-04T11:03:02+00:00

Men also change after marriages. Men will think they got the girl, job done. I can stop impressing her, initiating dates, trying out new stuff, etc. along that, they may also stop contributing around the house and she may feel you have changed or acting like a child and no one wants to sleep with a deadbeat/child

gofigure62 · 2022-10-04T12:43:28+00:00

Typically their husbands become their children. Incompetent, unable to care for themselves. So the wives take on a mothering role to their husbands, and their husbands behave as if they're the sons of their wives.

Most people don't fuck their sons. The wives become turned off by their husbands behavioral and actional regression. The women end up being in marriages "by themselves" where all of the responsibility, intimacy, and everything else solely depends on the wife. While the husband bumbles around the house like a useless idiot, making messes and more work than her children, then whining and demanding sex at the end of the day while he's done fuck all.

BurlyDad · 2022-10-04T04:50:59+00:00

My theory, based on my failing marriage? For a woman, having a low sex drive is like a guy having model railroading as a hobby...YOU HIDE THAT SHIT.

I think women usually have lower sex drives than men, on average, and overemphasizing your sexuality will make you very popular, very fast, with little effort.

I think a lot of women in long-term relationships need sex like I need fine dining. I don't need fine dining. I actually get very mild anxiety at the thought of getting dressed and going someplace snobby....not a lot, but I'd much rather go to casual restaurant or get delivery. Once I go, I appreciate it more than I thought I would, but it takes a tiny bit of willpower to not try to cancel the hour before. Put simply, going to a fancy restaurant is work, with little reward for me, and my default would be to choose a lazier, lower-pressure option.

Men like me need sex like sunlight. Yeah, going without won't kill me, but it will mess with my mood if I go too long without...and once I finally feel the sun on my skin after several days of deprivation, my mood is 1000x better in many ways for reasons, I am not sure I fully understand.

Obviously, I was much more comfortable going to fancy places when I was trying to impress my girlfriend, who is now my wife. We still go to them, but she's even lazier than I am. My wife was a sexual dynamo while dating, but isn't any more.

Einstein said "Women marry men hoping that the man will change. Men marry women hoping the woman will not change. Inevitably, they both end up disappointed"...it's a bit regressive for my tastes, but not completely unfounded. My wife wants present-day me, only with no sex drive. I want my old wife.

My girlfriend was the most awesome woman I ever met. She was very sexual. We got married and in a few years, that went away. Many years of therapy ensued. No precise cause was given, but I am told it's not my fault. I am more attractive than when we dated in every measurable way (I lost weight, got a better job, have better social skills and emotional intelligence and even hygiene than when I was in college). Everyone in her circles fawns about how good of a father I am and I am generally considered by her and her friends to be a good husband. This is a verbose way of saying, from what I know and what I've been told, I'm not to blame.

To this day, she says I am doing nothing wrong and nothing I can do to make her want sex. I even emphasize her needs much more than mine. It's a lot of work to make her climax, but I do it enthusiastically. She's just not into sex, so we almost never have any.

I don't think my story is unique. I think it happens to many couples.

neutralhumanbody · 2022-10-04T12:00:52+00:00

I don’t have this issue personally. Being the younger one in the marriage by 10 yrs, I have the way higher sex drive. Although, I think mine is higher than average to begin with.

When there’s a lull at all, it’s usually due to stress or us being very busy. For example, if we’re dealing with a family issue or traveling a lot out of necessity and not leisure.

I think for a lot of women in heteronormative marriages, it’s the marker of them now doing a lot of extra work. Many women take on a second shift- They work a full work day and then come home and have to cook and clean and child-rear.

And when you’re looking at another adult who is meant to be your partner, but you also have to babysit- it’s hard to feel sexually attracted to that.

_revelationary · 2022-10-04T03:28:57+00:00

If you visit the deadbedrooms subreddit you’ll find it happens to men too, more often than you think.

When my husband and I have struggled with frequency of sex it has been mostly a relationship issue that involved both of us. We weren’t taking enough time to just focus on our connection because other crap gets in the way.

It could be that he was a “beta provider” and she was using sex to manipulate him, sure. Or it could also be that the spark of new relationship energy fizzled out. Or he stopped focusing on ways to please her in bed after they got married. Or maybe she feels tired and taken advantage of because she’s doing most of the tasks at home while also working and he’s not contributing enough. The reasons are as varied as the number of couples, and usually don’t involve something the woman is intentionally doing.

Crafty_Letter_1719 · 2022-10-04T13:11:42+00:00

Because Woman( and Men for that matter) haven’t evolved to maintain rabid sexual attraction to their partner for a lifetime. Her husband could be Chris Hemsworth and after a while the novelty would still wear off. People often forget the primary reason sex exists is for procreation. That we can also use it recreationally and as a pair bonding device is a happy by product but it’s not it’s fundamental “purpose”. The sexual honeymoon period-where Woman are just as horny as their partner-exists as the window of opportunity for a Woman to get knocked up. After she has had ample time to do so she enters child raring mode rather than child producing mode(even if she hasn’t actually got children). Men generally don’t have the same drop off because they are of course not the ones “designed” to take the burden of child raring. Of course this is a linear evolutionary explanation for what is occurring. Living in modern day society and navigating man made institutions like marriage is obviously a lot more complicated and nuanced.

gggvuv7bubuvu · 2022-10-04T03:34:15+00:00

I’ve always been a high libido woman.

In my first marriage, I lost my sex drive immediately after giving birth. I quickly realized that my husband was not going to be an equal partner in parenting amongst several other reasons he was a crappy partner. I lost all attraction to him.

I got divorced after eleven years and recently remarried (been together 4 years) and I cannot get enough of my new husband. My libido was higher than his for a long time but we’re pretty balanced now and I can see us maintaining our current sex frequency indefinitely. The differences are that I started off more attracted to him and he puts effort into being a good partner all of the time. It’s sexy and makes me want to do the same for him.

Siukslinis_acc · 2022-10-04T04:51:25+00:00

Generally people start living together when they get married.

Starting to live together is stressfull as two diffetent livestyles need to be accomodated into one place. And aspects of those lifestyles could be even opposites (like two people hang the toilet paper different ways and think their way is the right way).

Living together you are also exposed to things that the so did without your knowledge, which can be a sexual turnoff (they could have horrible breath, but you didn't know that as they took care of their breath when going on a date with you).

There is also less excitement in seeing the other person as you see them constantly every day. Thus there is also less effort put from both sides.

At least in the old days, a kid came soon after marriage, so tiredness kills libido. Because if there is a choice between sex and a few more minutes of sleep after barely sleeping for many nights, believe me, sleep will win. Thete is also a thing that childbirth has a toll on womans body, so after giving birth the sex might feel different to her than it eas before childbirth.

Hexxkitten666 · 2022-10-04T13:31:29+00:00

Personally as a woman, I'd say I enjoy sex equally or more than my male partner, but we also both work to pleasure each other, communicate, and maintain a healthy relationship as well as balance responsibilities in our life. He works full time, I work part-time and am a full time student. He focuses on managing our finances, doing chores I can't, and I focus on caring for our house since I work from home. I never feel like I'm taking care of a manbaby, we mutually treat each other with respect and love. We have been living together for nearly 2 years now, and though our sex drives have waned and waxed, regardless of if we're being super sexually active, we always spend quality time together. Not every touch is sexual, hell, most aren't. We give each other massages after stressful days, he makes me coffee in the morning before he leaves for work, I make him dinner when he gets home. We cuddle and watch movies, play video games, and go for walks together... Even if we only have sex twice a month, we still have intimacy, and we communicate with each other what we need, so our love stays the same...

For instance, when I want sex, I have a very direct approach, where as my partner prefers being slowly seduced and is turned off by my forward nature. He brought this to my attention, so I listened to him, asked him how I could do better, and started doing that, which drastically improved our sex life.

It's a give and take. I've never faked an orgasm in my life, if a man sucks, he sucks. I won't needlessly stroke his ego. After sex I'll ask for constructive criticism, and ask if he wants the same. if he says yes, I'll tell him what he can do to improve and SHOW him how to better please me... I'll also work with him by naturally rewarding him for using the tools I taught him/things I generally like through my reaction (moaning, orgasms, telling him how much I love it via dirty talk, etc). It's as simple as that. Even if he's not good at penetrative sex, doing something like giving me head, fingering me, etc can make up the difference easily. When a guy wants me to seduce him, give him constant BJs, and never actually fuck me (or if he does ignore my pleasure entirely), I lose sexual attraction. Simple as that.

Basically, sex is a powerful tool. Think about the Pavlov dog study... The dog is conditioned through food to drool when a bell rings... If the bell rings and the dog doesn't get food and instead gets salad or something, after awhile it's not going to drool, it will just be a weird sound that marks disappointment. It's the same with sex.

Salt_Mathematician24 · 2022-10-04T05:18:14+00:00

I lost my libido with my ex because he turned out to be a jerk and incompatible with me. He also gained weight and stopped going out and being productive. All huge turn offs that made me grossed out having sex with him.

SmoOoothModerator · 2022-10-04T07:16:08+00:00

It’s weird how not many people here have mentioned “children”

The HUGE time/energy drain of taking care of kids, young kids alone can kill a sex drive.

The9thElement · 2022-10-04T09:52:06+00:00

Children

Laurely4u · 2022-10-04T07:41:03+00:00

The dead bedrooms subreddit has plenty of examples of low libido men married to high libido women. It could be either

catniagara · 2022-10-04T13:12:53+00:00

My two cents:

Women as objects, men as subjects.

Everything in society that sells sex caters to men as human beings with desires, interests and a sex drive while viewing women as a packaged product. It leads to men viewing themselves as “consumers” in a capitalist marketplace where sex with women is the product. Women are expected to “provide a service” and nobody really asks us how we like it or what we want.

Sex as a means to an end

Women are socialized to believe that sex is a means to an end. Too many big companies like pornhub and onlyfans have put a lot of money into “advertising” sex to women as a way to get out of poverty, to finally become financially stable, to feel safe. Even bigger companies like film studios, record companies, and modelling agencies put even MORE money into convincing women (especially young girls) that appearing to want sex ALL the time is “empowering” and “cool” and “fierce”. We’re taught from the time we’re very little that only young girls are hot and sexy. Not only aren’t older women not sexy in Disney: the ones that aren’t witches are usually dead.

We consume media that advertises “dead bedrooms”. When was the last time you saw a film about an older married couple like my grandparents who are just completely obsessed with each other? Married couples had a lot more sex in the days of Ward and June Cleaver than they do now. Because being married was presented as a positive and being in love was also important.

There aren’t any taboos anymore. Sex is only fun when it feels like a dirty little secret you’re sharing with an intimate partner. But these days it’s so in-your-face all the time that it’s hard to feel anything at all. You see thousands of naked people every day. You see any number of vaginas and ball sacks just trying to get from the Apple store to Macy’s on the escalator. There’s nothing left to the imagination. Nothing to be discovered. No fun in any of it. Instead of enjoying sex, you’re wondering if you wouldn’t enjoy it more with some appliance or in some other position or if you had a different body type. How could that possibly feel good?

Men are childish these days. When I was a kid most grown men were adult, responsible people who had hobbies and interests and just…things going for them. These men always show up when you need them and are always willing to help. If I need to borrow a saw or move a sofa or get a cup of sugar, I know a man in his 70’s will come in clutch, even if he can barely walk.

Meanwhile most men I’ve met in my generation have to be woken up, dressed, and cleaned up after like fucking entitled children. And honestly most of the women too. Nobody wants to do the housework or fix the car or the roof or pay the bills and it’s ALWAYS somebody else’s fault. Like look at the comments just in this thread. We’re lazy. We’re lazy at work, we’re lazy at school, we’re lazy in bed. Why is obesity on the rise? Because we’re lazy. Why is sex on the decline? Because we’re lazy. Or sick.

I mean my sex drive dropped to the floor when my country made it illegal to smoke indoors, even in your own car or your own house with children, and then legalized weed. My asthma went through the roof because of all the smoke in public, I’m nauseated all the time, and I’m suddenly reliant on medication just to get through the workday. I’m pretty sure smokers don’t enjoy freezing half to death either. How does smoking in -15 degree weather prevent cancer? I get home and I can barely breathe. My sister who worked bar jobs her whole life has 5 kinds of cancer and she’s not even 30 yet.

For that matter…

Poverty. Did you know that if the oldest 10% of the population died, today, 75% of the world’s wealth would suddenly be redistributed. It’s hard to think about anything related to sex and marriage, like buying a home or car, having children, sending them to college getting them cars, retirement savings, or hell even renting an apartment if you’re under 50 in this world right now.

I mean you know why me and my SO didn’t get laid last week even though it was all we used to do 6 times a day? Because the landlord served us an eviction notice claiming we hadn’t paid rent which we did pay, so he could give us less than 2 weeks to move. Because we found another place but the real estate agent needed us to provide credit scores, direct debit information, pay stubs, employment letters, identification, 3 references, first and last, and the deep dive version of all of our accounts including our tax documents within 48 hours to even be allowed to VIEW the place. And we still haven’t even gotten to view the place.

And then we had to call up every family member we’ve ever had to request favours. The references. The moving truck. The boxes. What do we own? Where do we put it? Are we even moving? If we are moving who would be our doctor? Our vet?

When couples have kids they also get constant calls from the school because teachers are completely over sensitive these days. My parents never got a call. At the end of the day the teacher might put a note in your bag. “Your kid fell down the stairs” “your kid had a 3 hour nose bleed” “your kid lost a fist fight probably we don’t even know lolz”

But in my younger brother’s generation we were literally getting calls because he crumpled up a worksheet “destruction of school property” or hugged a friend “boundary issues” or did a song and dance number. Once he drew a picture of a skull for Halloween and the teacher asked us if there were “problems at home”

If there hadn’t been adult kids at home to deal with this crap, my parents would have been straight out of a job having to deal with it all the time. And the stress!

I honestly don’t know whose sex drive could survive any of this like kudos to any couple that still has sex at all.

Mind125 · 2022-10-04T13:53:20+00:00

There's good discussion here. But I wanted to add something that I think people don't usually discuss.

For much of human history, marriage has been more of an economic proposition than an emotional one. People only cared about marriage thousands of years ago when it dealt with royalty (combining the loyalties of a kingdom) or how assets were transferred. If you were poor, there was no need for marriage.

During those times, we generally had communities where we farmed or hunted or a combination of the two. People had sex and had babies who would contribute to labor for the future generations (and take care of the older generations). The more babies, the better. People didn't have DNA tests so it was harder to even care.

For much of human history, marriage was about making babies in order to produce labor for farming or hunting so the community could survive. However, when we transitioned from an agrarian society to an industrial one, labor shifted from direct suvivorship to a more complex system of work hours, currency, payments, etc.

Afterward, children weren't allowed to work. They were sent to schools. Thus, the economic advantage of having more children to support the family was gone. However, marriage remained an economic dynamic as women couldn't really participate in the economy without having a man being connected to them. It was about transition and maintenance of capital more than production of labor (the children). I believe this was during the Victorian era?

We eventually got to a point where marriage was more about love than mere economics. I believe women's liberation to the workforce during WWII contributed significantly. Women understood what it was like to participate in the larger economy and it was great! Capitalists loved this as it doubled the workforce. Then came the birth control pill which created the sexual revolution. Women could have sex without the liability of having children (or could do so on their own planning). Globalization came along and divorced us even more from our labor to help our actual survival, thus we could secure retirement through complex financial instruments. We didn't even need a community anymore with all of it's complex drama.

Most people will know the rest of the story. Internet came, everyone went on dating websites, and the true nature of humanity revealed itself. We just care about pictures in an increasingly superficial way. That's how relationships start. It's all about optics. We're currently working through this part of our history and hopefully, we'll come to a nice conclusion.

To get to the main point, I don't believe the question is why women have less desire for sex after marriage. The question is why do women have desire for sex at all, especially if a lot of women have trouble getting an orgasm? Most human sexuality in the media (e.g. porn) is not really geared towards women's pleasure, but rather, focuses very much on the penis. If women have sex because they're hormonally horny, then it makes sense to be sexually active during younger years. It also makes sense to want to maximize their sexual experience during this time, especially when a woman can work on her own and not have a baby after sex. But wouldn't that eventually get boring? For some, yes. For others, maybe not. What is the role of sex during the marriage? Children are a liability now since we no longer need new labor for our survival. There is also no longer an oppressive capital regime where women can't own property without a man. So if sex is just for pleasure, there are a lot of great things to do outside of sex, especially if one has easy access to it. People eventually mature out of it. This is especially the case if sex is primarily hormally driven.

Source for the history of marriage: Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage by Stephaine Coontz

cowfishAreReal · 2022-10-04T03:55:18+00:00

When you're tired you usually won't want to have sex and women do most of the housework and child hearing while still working full time in most cases.

https://www.mtv.com/news/8iigoe/men-housework-sex#:~:text=According%20to%20new%20research%20from,for%2050%25%20of%20household%20chores.

One solution seems to be to fucking share the housework

TermAggravating8043 · 2022-10-04T06:56:51+00:00

Cause once I’ve delt with two screaming annoying kids all day whist he sat on his arse on his phone or hiding upstairs waiting for me to put the kids to bed and make his dinner AND still tidy up after everyone the fucking last thing I want is a grown ass whining adult complaining he wants his dick wet

AutoModerator · 2022-10-04T03:20:28+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

mandoa_sky · 2022-10-04T06:35:26+00:00

for some couples i know is that the dates stop post marriage - so it's something to do with no more romantic dates thing

2022-10-04T18:09:03+00:00

A lot of guys change after marriage. They go from behaving in a way that their wife really liked to being complacent and not really pulling their weight anymore. In that situation it would feel like you didn’t even marry the same person anymore.

lacuti3 · 2022-10-04T04:32:11+00:00

The women here aren’t being completely honest. If the sex drops off right after getting married then it was to manipulate him. It doesn’t always mean he’s BB, it’s kind of normal for women to have low sex drives

CentralAdmin · 2022-10-04T05:08:53+00:00

Comfort is antithesis to desire.

Women go off sex far easier than men do in relationships, in general.

Sex therapist Bettina Arndt asked 98 couples to maintain sex diaries in 2009. She found that while it was easy for women to simply label his behaviour as being sex obsessed, men who were not getting sex were still very much in love with their wives. They wanted to feel desired and often questioned if their wives still loved them.

Among the issues is a lack of communication and responsibility around communication. It is easy for women to dump the blame on men. These same men they chose to marry, who they dated for years, are now useless or annoying. You'd think that women would be open about their expectations before getting married and get to know if he was able to handle life as a family man. Yet they still said "I do" then complain when they willingly married a loser. Women need to join this conversation as equals if they want equal treatment. That means not washing their hands of sex by claiming he didn't do any dishes. It means communicating openly and honestly about what works for them.

But that doesn't change the fact that sex at the start of a relationship tends to be more frequent and it may set a precedent, which could set a guy up for disappointed when a few years have passed. What this means is that if he wants to have lots of sex, getting married and having kids is a bad idea. Women want the marriage and kids a lot more than they want intimacy with their partners, generally speaking. So once they get what they want, many close up shop and forget about their husband's needs. Arndt called it a type of indifference. Wives didn't really care if they husbands were happy or not. A man's needs could fall to the bottom rung, below those of the family dog.

There is a solution, though! If you won't fuck your husband, let someone else do it. Let him go have his needs met elsewhere. But if this is a problem then you have to pluck up the courage to fuck him.

PassMyGuard · 2022-10-04T10:24:13+00:00

First of all, don’t let confirmation bias fool you - plenty of couples maintain thriving sex lives after years and years of marriage.

Second of all, many times it’s the men who lose interest in sex. Sometimes it’s both.

There are many reasons people lose sexual interest. Sometimes it’s just boredom with the same partner. Humans aren’t evolutionarily wired for monogamy, despite it being the most accepted arrangement. We get bored of the same person after a while.

That doesn’t mean sex isn’t still enjoyable, but compare the dopamine levels during sex with a partner of 5 years vs a brand new partner - night and day difference.

If you want to keep your woman happy, you need to work at being good in bed. That means not just pumping away at her. Learn how to go down. Learn how to initiate in ways that she likes. Learn how to turn her on outside of the bedroom.

schetzo · 2022-10-04T11:25:15+00:00

This can be for a number of reasons. Stress can cause libido to plummet in both men and women. Financial stress or parental stress can cause that as well as resentment.

Poor communication allows misunderstandings to fester and the disconnect makes it hard for a woman to want to have sex with her husband if she silently resents him.

Also because of hookup culture, men are divided into 3 groups.

Group 1 are men she desires. The guys who she’s attracted to. Those guys happen to attract many other women and therefore those guys get to be emotionally unavailable or not ready for commitment or just cheat. To those guys women are replaceable and those guys will never love a woman more then they love themselves and therefore see no problem in traumatizing, using and leading women on. Those are they guys that keep a woman up at 3am tweeting Jhené Aiko lyrics talking about she’s triggered and what not.

Group 2 are the guys who are good on paper, got their life together and want to pursue something longterm with them, except the woman isn’t physically attracted to that guy.

Group 3 is the incels who aren’t attractive both on the inside or outside and most women try to distance themselves from those men.

Because of hookup culture and most women having experienced their own version of their “h03 phase” They come to realize that group 1 is for fun and getting your heart broken and having continuous toxic relationship after another.

Add with that the societal pressure by friends and family to get married etc, they go for guys in group 2. They tick the box of getting married and having kids. However they can only tolerate group 2 for x amount of time. People talk about the 7 year itch for a reason.

After they get the commitment from the guy in group 2 and tick the boxes of marriage kids, those guys are no longer of use and the woman might even start to resent her husband for having sexual needs and asking her to satisfy those needs. Then you’d find yourself in a dead bedroom with various excuses as to why she isn’t in the mood. From he didn’t take the trash out on time to headaches to whatever she needs to say to get the point across that she isn’t going to fuck him. All the while they miss the guys from group 1 so they end up in affairs or just surprise their husband with divorce papers saying they haven’t been happy for x amount of time to the surprise of the husband.

I know it’s cringe at this point being how many times it’s been repeated but it’s essentially just another form of AF/BB.

Now having said that there is some accountability to be held on the husband in dead bedrooms. Allot of guys in dead bedrooms do not read social cues their wife’s are giving them.

Some of their behavior and neglect does garner resentment over the years from their woman and then are surprised when she has checked out years ago.

Also allot of guys end up committing to someone who doesn’t meet their needs sexually, hoping one day she’ll open up and be the slut in the bedroom with him as she was with guys from group 1.

They also try to convince themselves that they are better then guys from group 1 and that their relationship with their wives mean more to her because they committed. They do not entertain the idea that they might be settled for, sometimes because if they do voice their concern they are met with shaming language calling them insecure etc.

To answer your question, it’s a combination of things both conscious and subconscious that lead to dead bedrooms and unhappy marriages.

I know this question was asked to women but as a guy who for the majority of time from the age of 17 to 25 was hooking up with women older then me who where married or in a serious relationship. I used to ask them if they’re horny why not sleep with your husband?

The answers they give are a verify of what I wrote above. Many women settle and compare their husband who might be a “6” to they guys they used to hookup in their 20s with whom they rank higher in terms of physical attractiveness who also tend to be better in bed as they had more practice growing up.

2022-10-04T11:43:27+00:00

From the experiences married women have told me, due to scheduling and priorities plus the energy level dropping with age. It’s not that they stop having sex, it’s their husband and the wives aren’t wanting to initiate at the same time. When one is in the mood, the other isn’t. The women seem to be more flexible with compromising on that end and get rejected more than the men. I’ve seen it plenty with my own eyes.

Right_Teaching_8193 · 2022-10-04T03:49:52+00:00

TOO MANY MEN EXPECT THEIR WOMEN TO BE THEIR MOTHERS!!!! THAT'S WHY!!! Especially after children it's just tok fucking exhausting. They're tired of having the same conversations and they say that being a single mom is literally easier than dealing with these trash men who refuse to seek therapy and outs all that emotional labor o to their wives while all they do is a regular 9-5 and expects the women to act just like their mothers and do all/ most the domestic labor themselves while ALSO working. It makes no fucking sense. Also how they stop dating their wives. Stop telling them how beautiful they are. Stop the surprises. They start asking for sex without considering her needs and whiningile a little bitch when they don't get no pussy. Like it isn't tour fault she's repulsed by you not to mention how much they tease their wives or look at other women or talk shit shit their wives to their friends not knowing the wife heard. I haven't met any women who are treated well by their husband's and aren't having sex. My cousin is already popping out another baby. Her husband still dates her. They talk damb near all day. He always calls her beautiful and little pet names. He takes the baby whenever he can and he's always doing things around the house. He makes sure that she is good in every way and she always preps his meals and makes sure that he's good as well. That I'd how a relationship is supposed to be but too many men really hate women and take it out on their wives. They just treat their wives as something to breed. A way to keep their legacy going. Not as real people and its fucking sick. Not to mention all the cheaters. Emotional and physical.

medlabunicorn · 2022-10-04T13:09:24+00:00

I don’t think it’s sex after marriage, it’s sex after kids. I see a lot of moms talk about how fuckimg exhausted they are all the time. Like, ‘haven’t had a full night’s sleep in two years’ level exhausted. When you’re that tired, spending any amount of free time on sex instead of sleep seems like a waste.

veloron2008 · 2022-10-05T18:04:18+00:00

What's that saying? Oh yeah, "the more sex a woman has before marriage, the less she will have after". Promiscuous women, who have been there done that with a bus load of other dudes, are addicted to variety. LTR sex is the opposite of this and will get dull and boring quickly. Something new and exciting is needed to get the juices flowing again. In other words, infidelity. Yet another reason why N count is critical when screening potential mates.

Crafty_Letter_1719 · 2022-10-04T11:21:57+00:00

There could be a myriad of reasons taken on case by case basis. As a generalisation though it likely boils down to 2 main factors:

1: Woman simply have a much lower sex drives than Men due to the clear biological reason of having much lower testosterone than Men. A Woman that would be described as hyper sexual or even a nymphomaniac simply has an average guys sex drive. That’s how big the difference generally is. It’s no coincidence that out of all demographics Gay men have the most sex while Gay woman have the least.

2: We are all novelty seeking creatures. Familiarity diminishes sexual attraction for both Men and Woman in long term relationships. The difference usually however is that most Men need very little full blown sexual attraction to just have sex. Even if he is way past the “I want to rip your clothes off” honeymoon period with his partner he still( if he has a normal sex drive) has a biological need to “get off” on a regular basis. Woman-in general-simply don’t have the same need to scratch that itch as the “itch” just isn’t there as frequently. Once the sexual novelty of being with one particular person has worn off there is no strong sex drive to fall back on to ensure sexual contact continues regardless.

FrivolousMood · 2022-10-04T09:50:12+00:00

2 reasons: 1) women in general are lower libido than men in general 2) much of women’s libido is “responsive” and after 5 years together he is no longer the exciting new guy, and she does not respond to the stable boring partner

AstronautLoveShack · 2022-10-04T05:34:57+00:00

It’s because the husband stops courting the wife. Stops trying to turn her on and make her feel sexy. “Why should I have to seduce my own wife?” some men will ask. The answer being, so she will want to fuck you and not just do it out of duty.

Willow-girl · 2022-10-04T05:27:06+00:00

Exhaustion
Resentment

Blame_the_Muse · 2022-10-04T04:24:06+00:00

It's not marriage, but the "honeymoon phase" ending, that causes her sex drive to decline. It's a combination of things:

Lovey-dovey hormones go away and make it difficult for her to get aroused
Resentments build up
He treats her differently after the honeymoon, she doesn't "feel loved" anymore
He stops seducing her and getting her mentally prepared for sex. Sex used to be preceded by dressing up, going on dates, flirting and making out—now they live together and he just strolls up to her and expects her to be ready to go
He doesn't do as much foreplay as he used to. You gotta kiss your wife. When these lips open, those lips open, ya feel?
He only touches her when he wants sex, training her to dread his touch instead of associating it with arousal. Push her against a wall, kiss her hard for a minute and then walk away. Put her hand on her thigh when you're driving. Slap her ass. Don't go for her erogenous zones though—only touch those when she's already aroused

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2022-10-04T05:11:19+00:00

I have at times in my adult life lost sexual libido After birth when breastfeeding, it’s a hormonal thing When I have felt taken for granted When I caught my ex cheating When I have been made to feel less than him

I’m now in a great relationship and the only time it’s dipped off was after my son was born or when I have been very ill

Though we do always joke we do not have as much sex as we did 9 years ago, what we do have is actually far better in quality and we are still finding new things to try with each other

Keep dating each other, keep talking, not just how was your day but talking like you used to. Support each other Do little things that make your partner know your thinking of them. Make them a priority

GS455 · 2022-10-04T08:31:10+00:00

Is this because the husband was a beta provider and sex was merely a way to lock him down?

This is an irresponsible way to look at the problem. To be honest (not always) a large number of guys stop trying once they get married. They stop "dating" their wives, giving flowers, and no longer courting once they have her locked down. They use expect sex.

CliffPR · 2022-10-04T13:43:42+00:00

We've all heard the old expression "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?"

Well flip it. Make the man the "cow" and the woman the buyer.

Once you've bought the cow, why keep paying for it?

Esaulph · 2022-10-04T16:01:11+00:00

It depends. Here’s what i’ve observed from long term relationships: (and also based on my experience)

1st year - honeymoon phase: both are inlove. man is always horny, woman is horny because of the man. First few months they can have sex almost every other day (or everyday for most)

2nd year & onwards - both are stable. Sex every other week. Has intimacy esp during special events, dates, or even after fights (make up sex). man will always be thinking about sex. Woman usually want it as well, but sometimes look for emotional validation first - like focusing on the little things, waiting for surprises, thoughtful gestures. Or when you’re a guy with higher SMV, they tend to act more possessive or satisfy you as regular as they can.

During marriage, as long as you always krep them feeling loved - they’ll satisfy you no matter what. It’s always both ways. You satisfy their emotional aspect & they’ll satisfy your physical & emotional desires. And of course men want care & support as well.

chocolatekitt · 2022-10-04T16:09:39+00:00

Well, there’s so many things that could influence sex drive that It’s really individual.

Birth control works because it kills your libido. Children and work causes a lot of obstacles. I developed pelvic floor issues and pain after child birth that I need physical therapy for. This can happen without child birth too.

Weight change and aging can cause a loss of confidence. When I gained weight I hid my body. Issues with your cycle Can impact libido. If you stop ovulating like I did, you won’t feel horny… ever. I stopped ovulating due to weight gain & medication, one NP suspected I might have PCOS which again, will impact your libido.

A lot of answers are from men speculating. I can also confidently say my partner doesn’t romance me anymore. I tell him what turns me on, he might do it once but then never again. He’s lazy. He wants head and doesn’t return it. It makes me not want to have sex. Maybe look in the mirror. Resentment is the #1 killer of libido.

y2kjanelle · 2022-10-04T16:50:18+00:00

From what I've seen and heard AS a woman from men and women, it's literally just priorities.

Men prioritize sex more. Women do not.

Edit: And this applies to a lot of aspects of life, not just marriage.

delight-n-angers · 2022-10-04T17:01:29+00:00

I can't speak on this personally because my libido is still super high after 19 years together and we bang nearly daily. But the times that I've seen this shift in my friends that are women, it's because while they were dating they weren't living together so the guy was putting his best foot forward in terms of doing chores and keeping his place clean. The minute they got married and moved in together, he expected her to be his mommy and clean up after him/do all of the household management tasks - that remember, she *knows* he is capable of doing because he did it for years before she came along.

Being the only person taking on any mental or domestic labor in a home is exhausting and it would turn me the fuck off too.

AngelCrumb · 2022-10-04T21:19:52+00:00

I've seen a few different scenarios.

Complacency - The woman is in a secure legal marriage and has no incentive to try 'win' the husband, she has a naturally lower libido and so becomes less willing to have sex.
Husband becomes complacent, sexually - Another thing which i've seen is that some men become complacent and begin to pay no attention to foreplay or seduction once married which are essential things for female sexual arousal. A guy can jack hammer his wife and still get off. I actually have this issue with my fiance and I told him off recently for it, because he is frankly quite selfish sexually.
Other priorities - Often after having children, womens sexual libido can lower and they become less willing to have sex. They may also feel uncomfortable having sex in the same environment (the house) as their kids.

eatapeach18 · 2022-10-04T22:03:57+00:00

Probably because men stop “dating” their wives once they’re married and feel like they no longer have to put in any effort or go out and do fun/adventurous/romantic things because they think that’s what you do to get a wife, not something you do to keep a wife.

Want your wife to fuck you? Then take a shower, put on a nice clean well-fitting outfit, and take her somewhere nice for a date. Maybe get her flowers. Compliment her hair and her outfit. Make her feel wanted. It’s really not that hard.

No-Rough-7390 · 2022-10-05T19:13:45+00:00

There are two main reasons as I see it. One has been stated:

1) men betatize themselves by a thousand cuts over time. Desire dies.

The big one not said:

2) women rarely marry the best sex of their life and/or a guy who they are willing to do anything and everything with. They can’t outright states this because likely the jig would be up for the guy they do marry. Also, most men are dumb enough to think a woman marrying them must mean he’s top tier in the sack for her, or at least high up. Women easily prioritize things they want to do, so if they have an amazing bedroom deal with the guy they marry then there’s no reason not to pursue it.

Unfortunately, telling women “you should marry a guy who is your best sex or could compete for the top spot” seems controlling rather than pragmatic. It’s also tough for women to lock down that guy who has that attribute in addition to the laundry list of other stuff they want.

bsmith440 · 2022-10-04T06:54:07+00:00

They are using sex to improve their odds of being proposed to and married. They stop because they already have the man and don't understand how a man's brain is wired.

I would say a majority of the men I speak to though hasn't had that experience.

OriginalRushdoggie · 2022-10-04T08:00:32+00:00

Fatigue, resentment and hormones.

Women tend to take on more of the emotional labor and general labor in relationships. I have the most devoted and partnership seeking spouse n the world, and there are still so many things he is oblivious to (remembering birthdays, keeping the house stocked with necessities, keeping track of doctors appointments, pet care beyond the daily walk/feed, vacation scheduling and planning, deep cleaning, that kind of thing). If it goes on for a long time its tiring. Women end up being primary caregivers for everyone in their extended family as well (taking care of my exhausting mentally ill mom now, my husband's sister ended up coordinating the care for their parents despite there being 3 other male siblings). Add in having kids? At a certain point in out lives we can be chronically exhausted.

If theres any friction thats not resolved, resentment builds and its very hard for a woman to get sexually excited by someone that they resent or hold anger in.

Finally, having kids and experiencing menopause wreaks havoc on libido and function. My husband and I are 15 years in and because of some health issues I am going through menopause and its HARD. Sex actually can hurt even with plenty of foreplay and lube. Hot flashes and aches don't make you feel great. The only reason we have a sex life is we are open with each other and I can explain how I am feeling and why and we have made some adjustments. He makes me feel really loved and desired and that overrides a lot of the physical discomfort, and so we keep it alive. <3

Apprehensive_Cut_146 · 2022-10-04T09:13:54+00:00

Idk mate, my hormones have risen up after I got married. My husband, while having some “alpha” traits, would be defined as Beta by this sub. But he is my type, which defines my attraction to him

Goes from individual from individual.

2022-10-04T09:16:56+00:00

He stops seducing her

januaryphilosopher · 2022-10-04T09:59:37+00:00

This isn't a thing that happens to many young, childless couples. People generally marry because they really like someone, including wanting to continue having sex with them. Age and children do confuse things which ends up in the results you discussed.

Illustrious-Line-996 · 2022-10-04T04:55:51+00:00

Men lose their libido too. Not just women

2022-10-04T12:54:03+00:00

Many western women, many of those who were raised in Christian homes, are conditioned to see marriage as the sexual finish line, when it is really the beginning.

-25T · 2022-10-04T18:34:35+00:00

Women need treated with the same respect and consideration as a man. Whatever goals a man wants out of a LTR are probably the exact same goals his hypothetical woman wants. The only difference is most men are fine with emotionless sex and most women are not.

many women lose their desire for sex after marriage

Yeah. This happens when he stops putting the effort. He did a lot to catch her. It requires the same level of effort to keep her at that level. Otherwise the micro-fights add up and she slowly stops giving a shit because he doesn't respect her or meet her needs like he used to.

Nice guys put "nice coins" in to get sex to fall out. They believe they're entitled. They aren't entitled but that's the right idea: almost all women don't want to have a marriage with someone who doesn't (or stops) respecting them, validating their needs, showing love through non-romantic actions, etc. When you choose to love someone, it becomes your pleasure to do things that enhance their lives and bring you closer together, rather than a chore.

Feeling respected by one’s wife is essential to living a purposeful and meaningful life. Maybe I thought my wife should respect me simply because I exchanged vows with her. It wouldn’t be the first time I acted entitled. One thing I know for sure is that I never connected putting a dish in the dishwasher with earning my wife’s respect. I remember my wife often saying how exhausting it was for her to have to tell me what to do all the time. It’s why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is “I got this,” and then take care of whatever needs taken care of. I always reasoned: “If you just tell me what you want me to do, I’ll gladly do it.” But she didn’t want to be my mother. She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household. She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management. I wish I could remember what seemed so unreasonable to me about that at the time.

I don’t have to understand WHY she cares so much about that stupid glass. I just have to understand and respect that she DOES. Then caring about her = putting glass in dishwasher. Source, a blog from a divorced man

The majority of divorces regarding the sex withdrawal from her are easily contributed to. Make her feel respected and appreciated. Start up the behaviors that you two used to do like date nights, teasing/racy talk that doesn't result in sex, etc.

crystal-castles1 · 2022-10-04T06:37:38+00:00

Women do not enjoy sex as much as men. Simply as that. It’s biological. Most women also fake vaginal orgasms according to many studies. And having sex all the time, giving birth, taking care of their babies... just get tiring to even think about having sex.

moosemc · 2022-10-04T11:36:24+00:00

They don't lose their desire. They just don't have to pretend anymore.

martyre- · 2022-10-04T03:28:11+00:00

Probably because they’re incredibly exhausted at the end of the day and no longer feel like spending more time awake participating in mediocre sex

Khanluka · 2022-10-04T05:15:15+00:00

My guess if a man sucks at being a father alot of sexual attraction for them disaepears.

Cheap-Organization-6 · 2022-10-04T03:48:48+00:00

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣☠️☠️☠️ not pity sex

-royalmilktea- · 2022-10-04T17:33:00+00:00

I was married for eight years, and the last couple years especially, sex did become more rare, occasionally more than a month between. Here are some things I would define as contributing factors, starting with things on my side:

-I was on birth control which reduced my libido

-I had anxiety problems and a stressful job that wasn't working for me

-The way I offered sex when I wasn't already in the mood didn't work for him ("do you want to fuck tonight?" He would typically decline. He needed me to seduce him)

-I stopped expecting sex to be part of my schedule and didn't come up to bed until I was actually ready to sleep a lot of the time

-I didn't enjoy giving head to him beyond teasing (didn't enjoy extended deepthroating) and increasingly refused to do it at all

For his side:

-He was terribly addicted to porn, going up to our bedroom and edging himself while playing porn games for 2-3 hours is how he would decompress from a normal work day.

-He got to a point where he wouldn't let me tease him (I couldn't suck his finger to tease him unless I was committing to deepthroating him for several minutes, it just being a precursor to piv sex wasn't allowed)

-He almost completely stopped engaging in foreplay. He never gave head at any point in our relationship, but his foreplay went down to almost nothing consistently

-He gained weight and became less healthy which affected his ability to maintain an erection (I don't care about appearance much - he was also bald and a hair shorter than me [I'm 5'7], but how unhealthy he looked really started to affect my attraction)

For something that was at least partially both of us, we stopped being able to engage in BDSM with each other. He was intimidated by me, and I lost respect for him. I really tried toward the very end to rekindle that connection with him, but he just used it as an opportunity to get head and didn't engage in the play I was interested in. That was really the nail in the coffin for that relationship for me.

kerfufflewhoople · 2022-10-04T12:45:39+00:00

I’m a woman who no longer desires sex after marriage. Here’s the painfully honest truth: biologically speaking, our sex drives are way lower than men’s. Our libido is higher in our 20s, but drastically drops after that. Most men are really bad at sex because they assume our bodies work the same way. They don’t. It takes hours to make me orgasm, and it has to be through rapid clitoral stimulation. Penetration alone doesn’t do it. Very few men will be willing to go through the process of making me come in the first place. Also, I don’t have an hour or two to spare in a day to satisfy myself and my partner. Job, running after kids, wiping butts, packing lunches and whatnot. So I have the option of doing it just for my husband - granted, I can spare 15 minutes. But that will leave me with 15 less minutes of sleep, a body to clean and zero satisfaction. Most days, I just can’t spare the energy.

thetacobitch · 2022-10-04T14:45:11+00:00

Learn from the men with wives that still have a great sex life. I heard something recently that said “men often don’t realize that foreplay starts at the beginning of the day, not 10 minutes before you want to have sex.” I think a lot of men struggle to wrap their brain around this. It’s intimacy outside of sex that leads to sexual intimacy.

In a lot of relationships, sexual attraction fades because it becomes something you’re just used to. You know their body. You’re not in the honeymoon stage anymore. You’re both stressed and carrying a lot of mental weight around. I think a lot of men see sex as a stress reliever, while I and many other women aren’t in the mood if we’re stressed.

What women say over and over again that still have a great sex life with their husbands is that they understand this. They understand their wife may not want to fuck their brains out simply for existing and being married. Men often get upset at this and take it personally because they don’t feel the same. But it’s just an understanding of how different sexes operate. You have to continue dating and charming your wife.

Wine and dine her. Leave little notes around. Cook for her. Bring her flowers. Let her pick the movie. Run her a bath. Cuddle with zero expectation of anything further happening. Make out with her with zero expectation of anything further happening. And above all, make sure she’s not carrying the brunt of the mental weight around the house. Be an adult and give her space to feel relaxed and open to thinking about her desires.

Cultivating an environment of intimacy and romance is the way to avoid this. And my god do not ever make her feel bad for not being in the mood, or make her feel pressured to do anything. Women can sniff this out from a mile away and it only drives them further away. Do these things because you love her and care deeply for her and want her to feel seen and desired. Not because you’re trying to get something from her.

Edit: also, this isn’t something you’re going to try for one day and magically she wants to jump your bones. Relationships take work. Be consistent. Provide her with intimacy consistently that has nothing to do with sex. The rest will follow. Obviously there are some circumstances where this won’t be true, but generally this is the recipe that men don’t understand.

childish_badda_bingo · 2022-10-04T16:48:21+00:00

The issue is she is into sex but just not with her husband. She doesn’t know why her sex drive died.

2022-10-04T10:21:10+00:00

Because she settled and never wanted to marry the guy. She just couldn’t get the guy who gave her tingles and butterflies to commit

Sofia_sticated91 · 2022-10-04T06:20:15+00:00

Well, you can get excited about the same dick only so many times I guess. I would certainly get bored

asdf333aza · 2022-10-04T22:52:13+00:00

Cause the statistics show that men get less sex after marriage than when they were dating said girl. And then on top the statistical evidence, we have the numerous stories of men complaining about dead bedrooms with the women usually being the one refusing sex.

FIVE_6_MAFIA · 2022-10-05T02:13:04+00:00

Because they find a new dick to ride on

Title	Why do many women no longer desire sex after marriage?
Author	dukesaces
Upvotes	161
Comments	453
Date	October 4, 2022 3:20 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/xv3yzf/why_do_many_women_no_longer_desire_sex_after/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-do-many-women-no-longer-desire-sex-after.1135178 https://theredarchive.com/post/1135178