Would you date a HVM if the relationship was 100% transactional?

foreblue · 2021-08-03T19:04:12+00:00

It’s a weird question since even transactional relationships are much more enjoyable for both people when the transactions are implicitly understood rather than stated. Most people want reciprocity but they don’t need “proof” of reciprocity before doing nice things themselves.

MaximGainesII · 2021-08-03T13:25:08+00:00

Even douchiest bro in the douchiest fraternity knows the answer to this is no.

NarniaFox · 2021-08-03T13:20:18+00:00

I think it's kind of weird, but chances are I wouldn't notice it, as I tend to treat my friends well. I'm okay with paying for people and I like giving gifts and spoiling the ones I care about. If I was into him, I'd do favors for him without worrying much whether he'll do it for me first.

But if I did notice it or if he explicitly said it, I'd be weird out and most likely opt out from dating him, because I think that the need to obsessively count everything isn't a good sign. Also because not all things can be reciprocated. Will he carry out our second kid after I give birth to our first? If we have the same blood type and I suddenly will need blood transfusion, he won't donate because I haven't done it for him?

Nation_of_Two · 2021-08-03T14:54:58+00:00

Since my biggest requirement for a relationship is actually being in love with someone who is actually in love with me, this is a dealbreaker.

Nice_Pass2393 · 2021-08-03T13:44:20+00:00

I'm no I wouldn't waste all of that time and effort, and I don't even care about going on dates. But I would pay him for sex

cowfishAreReal · 2021-08-03T13:42:20+00:00

No, anyone that keeps tabs like that in relationships is completely not worth it

vial_of_music · 2021-08-03T16:59:42+00:00

My relationship is kind of like this already in the sense of “you get x and i’ll get y” kind of deal. We split everything in terms of like big item buying (rent, groceries, getting a bigger TV etc) but I honestly love seeing things I know he likes and picking them up for him, or seeing new events and buying tickets for the both of us. Or if i really crave a certain restaurant I will buy both of our orders since I insisted we go eat there.

He does the same? Brings me lunch, surprises me with event tickets and pays for every other date night.

I guess you could call it “transactional” but it’s more natural just doing the things you do for someone you love because it will make them happy which makes you happy.

Now if my partner had like an excel sheet and kept track of every single thing we shared together that’s different. Like would I have to do things for the sole purpose he will do things for me? Counting every single thing and making sure I knew when he had done something so now it’s “my turn?” No, I would not be in a relationship like that.

Icy_Consideration905 · 2021-08-04T07:23:08+00:00

women and society expect a man to be selfless and altruistic!! society literally send young boys to death , and those boys comply with big smile and honor , even concept like real "man" is pure benefit to women , do you think a women will expect a man to treat her as equal !! women want to feel special , been equal is boring

Orange_Paisley · 2021-08-03T14:23:02+00:00

I’ve got no problem taking turns with paying for dates and us both pitching in for vacations, etc. It’s how I’ve always done it. If he nickel and dimes every single thing in the relationship, though, I’d get annoyed and bounce. It’s petty to break out a ledger and a Cross pen for every interaction: “Let’s see here - okay, I’ve had 3 orgasms this week and you’ve had 4; time for you to make it even.” Just no.

Comprehensive_Zombie · 2021-08-03T14:40:35+00:00

No, I don’t nickel and dime my friends and family and vice versa, I wouldn’t do it the person I’m dating who I presume I’m supposed to like. I think doing things for the people you care for just because you expect something in return is tacky and unattractive. I like giving gifts to my friends/fam and taking them on trips and they do the same for me and we all do it because we enjoy seeing each other happy. There’s never any expectation of payback placed on it so I’m not gonna ruin the community vibe by introducing a miser.

PsychologicalPay2353 · 2021-08-03T13:11:00+00:00

LOL NOPE. He's not a HVM is his generosity is purely transactional. He's a manipulator, hence ZVM. No love? No value.

ashpr0ulx · 2021-08-03T13:50:52+00:00

i tend not to make the first move in a courtship, so i think it’d be difficult to initiate romantic contact with a man like that.

it would also depend on exactly how transactional. like; are we doing bookkeeping? i think people in good relationships naturally are happy to do things for one another, but i’m not a fan of strict keeping score.

detective_do_most · 2021-08-03T15:47:51+00:00

He’s not kind if he wants everything to be transactional, not a fan. Dealbreaker

mexawarrior · 2021-08-04T00:17:39+00:00

Male 32 here, this is the way it should be right now.

flamingoinghome · 2021-08-03T15:49:40+00:00

How would this preposterous scenario even work? I'm picturing a guy stamping his foot like a child because I asked for a bite of his dish at the restaurant before he'd had a chance to try mine. And do you mean I asked him out, and then he asked for our second date? Because that sounds normal, but also....not in keeping with the rest of this.

Let alone "have sex"! How, exactly, would "I will not have sex with you unless you have sex with me" look, beyond the obvious part that "having sex" is traditionally a two-person activity?

"Give gifts" doesn't quite make sense either. Am I supposed to buy him a present on my birthday? Should I expect him to give me one on his?

Again, I don't think you've really thought this through.

flapperfemmefatale · 2021-08-03T15:49:49+00:00

It doesn't sound like he actually loves me, so no.

ThreeHourNap · 2021-08-03T13:42:42+00:00

Before I made a decision about whether to continue the relationship, I’d first want to know why he insists on a completely transactional relationship.

Does he have a history of being the committed partner in one-sided relationships where his generosity was taken advantage of? These could be romantic relationships or friendships. That’s the first possible explanation I thought of. Years of being disrespected, neglected, and taken for granted by partners and friends could make anyone guarded and rigid in their relationships.

Second, I’d ask if he expects to continue his financial and emotional score-keeping indefinitely, or if it’s just something he does at the beginning of relationships to establish an expectation of equal investment from both parties. I hope this isn’t something he wants to continue forever. Life isn’t predictable. Eventually, what two people in a committed relationship may need from their partner or what they may be able to give to their partner won’t be balanced.

YMaedchen · 2021-08-03T15:45:35+00:00

No, that's an absolute dealbreaker even though I usually give much more than I receive in all of my relationships whether it be friendships, family or love.

This reminds me of my older sister. I could clean her whole house, watch my niece for a whole week, buy her a ton of presents but if I ask her if she can make me a tea when I'm ill, she'll say "what did you do for me today?"

87AudreyHorne · 2021-08-03T15:48:17+00:00

Never in my life. Zero interest. That type of mentality alone is a worse turn off than any quality you listed is a turn on. The premise is contradictory in its essence

DplusLplusKplusM · 2021-08-03T17:33:18+00:00

I've known plenty of women in relationships with wealthy "HVM" and they seem to put in more than their fair share of effort just to keep these guys. Surgeries they didn't really want just to placate his need for a certain body type. Cutting off family and friends he didn't like for whatever reason. Quitting careers because catering to his ego became a full-time job. It's said that "women who marry for money end up earning every dime". From my observation this is largely true.

chalkandapples · 2021-08-03T22:12:17+00:00

I would not date anyone if the relationship is 100% transactional because it’s weird and it loses the warm feeling of human connection and being a team, which is the point of relationships. I wouldn’t even make a friend like that.

However, most relationships except maybe parent to child is conditional in some way. No one can be happily in a relationship where they keep giving w/o receiving anything back. Your family, friends, and partners help each other when they can. The type of transactional relationship you describe is completely ridiculous and have no warmth. But any relationship do need to have both parties caring about the other person. The reason he shares food, give me presents, and give great sex should be that he wants to bring me happiness because he likes me. And similarly, I should want him to be happy, I can try to make him happy in the same ways or different ways as he does for me, but the point is that I want to bring him happiness because I like him.

belachewhm · 2021-08-03T19:37:44+00:00

Keeping tabs of expenses is wrong until it’s time to draw up divorce papers, huh?

Nordicflame · 2021-08-03T14:02:27+00:00

Umm, yeah of course. I like high value men so if he is giving as good as he gets then I am OK with that while things are still fun. For the long term, I have to be honest here, I expect him to lead the way and do more of the financial and planning heavy lifting

thelajestic · 2021-08-03T21:10:29+00:00

How does "putting in the same amount of effort" equate to "doing literally fuck all in the relationship until the woman has already done it". That's her putting in more effort.

"Putting in the same amount of effort" means taking each other on the date (so, splitting), each sharing each other's food at the same time, both giving each other gifts, only having sex when you both want to do so, and both being equally reciprocal in that.

So which do you mean? Do you mean transactional, or do you mean "putting in as much effort as you do". Because they're not the same fucking thing.

bleb_ploleman · 2021-08-03T15:30:29+00:00

No that’s so weird

CrazyBaby8891 · 2021-08-03T18:20:16+00:00

This scenario would absolutely be a dealbreaker, because there's no natural love on his end and a relationship lacking in mutually-natural love won't be worthwhile. It also sounds like he'd be one of those "only as faithful as his options" types so I'd ultimately be expendable to him and with a transactional mindset he wouldn't really be kind; he'd just be putting on an act of kindness as long as he feels like he's getting what he thinks he is entitled to without any unprompted effort on his part. And if any minor disagreement arises (which will happen occasionally even in the healthiest of relationships), his mask of devotion will fall off unless he gets his way. In short, he's sociopathic.

See, I do things for my husband not solely in reciprocation but mainly because I love him and he does the same, and it's not a situation in which we keep scorecards because that wouldn't be unconditional love. Unconditional love is still caring about and being there for each other even when it's not as fun (during disagreements, when one isn't as organized as the other would like, when one is having a bad day, etc.) and acting accordingly.

richlad · 2021-08-04T03:40:33+00:00

No most women would not.

Reason is simple in pure transactional scheme women get less.

In non transactional women get more than what they deliver.

So most women do not want to be prostitutes or escorts, its only those with some issues or some extreme personality or addiction to sex who do this for pleasure and byproduct is money.

Fun_Manufacturer4099 · 2021-08-03T14:28:02+00:00

Your last sentence says it all...."Basically, he will only put in as much effort as you do".....

I knew before I read the responses how many women would say no to this. I laughed really hard when I did. It absolutely proves what I have been saying for years that women absolutely do not feel that they have to put forth any effort into a relationship. This is also the same reason that most women do not get good men and the very reason most men walk away from relationships early on. A good man absolutely does want a woman who will put in as much effort as he does. He also knows that he does not have to settle for any woman who doesn't. Why? Because there are plenty of women out there.

Sekina7 · 2021-08-03T16:23:04+00:00

Absolutely not. This is why choice and knowing your worth is so important, being realistic about your place in the market and for women maximising looks AND financial independence. At the end of the day he can be replaced-before the end of the day.

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CoyoteCookies · 2021-08-03T20:40:02+00:00

Someone this petty would not be considered a HVM by anyone, pill or no pill. People's needs and wants are different and so giving the exact same as what you are given makes no sense. my boyfriend and I spoil each other because we know each other well enough to do that. If he only did for me exactly what I do for him, that wouldn't be special because it'd be what he likes, not me. Moreso, if I found out he had a spreadsheet, fucker's out. Nobody should be tracking the quality of their relationship by their partner asking "hey can you hand me the remote" one extra time.

CatchPhraze · 2021-08-03T22:34:14+00:00

Deal breaker. Part of a relationship is being active not just reactionary. For instance he might get the first date, but his birthday is sooner so he gets the first bday gift.

Without keeping score both parties should feel comfortable with the arrangement and thst thr other person is trying in good faith.

captaindestucto · 2021-08-04T00:30:31+00:00

Maybe what you mean is if the man had the same attitude towards the relationship as your typical FDS/ppd women who demands a 'High Value Men'i.e. holds no sentiments around true love/soul mates, just pure self-interest and transactional arrangements..

These women seem to expect HVM to be sacrificial and altruistic.

Reisiluu · 2021-08-04T08:52:39+00:00

We wouldn't be dating because I don't ask men on first dates.

Painfulmenstruation · 2021-08-04T09:35:26+00:00

Absolute dealbreaker.

miaowkitty · 2021-08-04T10:20:26+00:00

I'm going to be the only one here I guess, but him putting effort into the relationship as much as I do, sounds good to be honest.

Mrs_Drgree · 2021-08-04T11:56:07+00:00

[permanently deleted]

midwestufohunter · 2021-08-04T19:49:03+00:00

No. I want love. There's not enough money a man could give me to devote that much time and energy into a relationship that wasn't loving.

cloudsongs_ · 2021-08-07T22:48:25+00:00

It's not a "deal breaker" but I would think that he had trust issues about me using him. I'm very "division-of-labor" sort of mindset so I like treating my bf out and I like it when he treats me out but if my boyfriend suddenly became very adamant about it, I'd be concerned that he has the wrong perspective of who I am and what I'm after.

ivy176 · 2021-08-08T16:20:24+00:00

He wouldn't be considered HVM by the people that use the term HVM. HVM is all about chivalry and taking the woman on dates lol

superlurkage · 2021-08-03T14:57:01+00:00

If absolutely nothing else was available, maybe.

Beggars can’t be choosers, ya know?

neetykeeno · 2021-08-03T16:30:52+00:00

There is no such thing as a high value man, there are at best men who are break even propositions.

TomorrowsWar · 2021-08-03T16:15:28+00:00

Dump

Title	Would you date a HVM if the relationship was 100% transactional?
Author	_Neon_Shadow_
Upvotes	12
Comments	259
Date	August 3, 2021 1:04 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	/r/PurplePillDebate
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/would-you-date-a-hvm-if-the-relationship-was-100.796707 https://theredarchive.com/post/796707
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/ox3219/would_you_date_a_hvm_if_the_relationship_was_100/

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