Would You Stay Friends With Someone That is a Cheater?

Interested_Redditor · 2022-10-27T13:07:53+00:00

In my 40 something years of life I've learned a few things. One of those things just happens to be that, to a certain extent, you are who you surround yourself with.

I don't think your SO is super far of with this line of thinking. Certainly you are not your friend and shouldn't be held to account for their behavior but it does show a bit of your character.

If your friend was molesting minors, would you find that behavior repugnant enough to make a big deal out of it? If the answer is yes, then you can see the line of thinking that your SO may have made that cheating isn't really a big enough deal for you to worry about. That is a real problem for some people.

You need to ask yourself, which relationship is more important to you. It seems like you can't continue having both of them in your life.

Help_Support-Account · 2022-10-27T14:32:04+00:00

Ended a friendship with my second best friend because he cheated on his girlfriend. Betraying someone that close to you means that no one is safe from his selfishness.

Making good and moral decisions is easy, he chose to be evil.

hungrychick404 · 2022-10-27T13:20:59+00:00

If my friend doesn’t regret the time they cheated or understand that it was selfish and wrong to cheat, I wouldn’t be able to be friends with them. However, if the friend regretted it and told their partner in a timely manner, I would probably still be friends with them, just maybe keep a little bit of distance.

lady_ven0m · 2022-10-27T13:17:57+00:00

Cheating is huge character flaw in my opinion, so no, hard pass on that.

tinny36 · 2022-10-27T13:09:22+00:00

This is a tricky one because it's an ongoing thing and you're hanging around with them together, while she is cheating on him.

First, as a truly close friend, you would care about their overall well-being and encourage them to talk about why they are doing something so out of character for them. You would warn them they are being unkind and this will end badly, etc. Also, you should express that you won't be put into a situation where you have to lie, and it does make you uncomfortable to be around them both. You could opt out of hanging out with them together, for example.

But ditch them altogether? I would say no, unless this behaviour is ongoing and you feel other things are maybe making you 'less close', like other life choices, etc. But as a true friend, I would try being there for her first. And tell your partner all of this as well. REassure them that you do find the behaviour wrong, and while you absolutely disapprove of her choices, you are still trying to be a good friend and helping her through this.

2022-10-27T14:38:32+00:00

Yeah I have a friend who I grew up with and dude isn’t the best boyfriend… like at all he cheated on basically every girl he has. Like this boy had 3 girlfriends and once they found out they all kept letting him hit it. Other than that though he’s a really good friend. He’s always been there for me, had my back, and really supportive

freespirit1963TJ · 2022-10-27T18:40:20+00:00

I have a very good friend, in fact I characterize him as my best friend. He is a serial cheater, he has been married for 38 years and has been cheating for most of it. My friendship with this guy didn't originate or was based on the fact he was married, had a family etc. Each family dynamic has it idiosyncrasies. His wife has been aware that this has been going on for at least 25 years. They had kids, a mortgage etc. There was a point about 19 years ago, I was confident they were getting divorced, they didn't. Their kids are all grown, out of the house and have kids of their own. I'm not sure if they have an arrangement for an open marriage or what. It has never been a topic of conversation. Short answer long, no it hasn't impacted our friendship. The whole, your partner finds out and wants to break up; that sounds like someone who is insecure with who they are. Someone's trust, or distrust in you should have ZERO to do with how a friend behaves. I have a couple of friends who don't believe in relationships who utilize sex workers. I'd never dream in million years to hire one.

mvnnyvevwofrb · 2022-10-27T13:36:58+00:00

I wouldn't look at them the same way after. I don't like cheaters, they are manipulate and self-important and they lack empathy.

It's the same thing with anyone, once you see the dark side of their personality, then you're not thinking about them the same way anymore. Maybe still be friends, or maybe not. Doesn't really matter at that point.

PlatypusPolka · 2022-10-27T15:12:20+00:00

I honestly don’t know. I think it would depend on the friend and the situation - are they a serial cheater, did they do it once and regretted it, was it a mistake (maybe when out drinking) or was planned out, are they repentant or are they defiant. How long have I known this person and have they really come through for me in the past, do they need my support through a rough time or do they think it is NBD? And what are my opinions on my friend’s partner? I have stopped being friends with someone who was a cheater when I was close to the other partner as well, though.

If my partner threatened to break up with me over someone else’s actions I would find that extreme and bewildering. And a little controlling.

madsskayyy · 2022-10-27T17:56:24+00:00

Personally I don’t care what people do in their free time, as long as they don’t impede or impose their lifestyle choices on me. So I suppose I would be fine

baiser_vole · 2022-10-27T12:56:39+00:00

Close friends, absolutely not. Acquaintance, possibly.

childish_badda_bingo · 2022-10-27T13:12:42+00:00

By remaining silent, you are aiding and abetting a cheat. That makes you an accomplice to their bad behavior. The statement you are making is it’s fine to cheat.

gofigure62 · 2022-10-27T13:40:41+00:00

I'm at the age range where people can start "acting out" due to life crisis. If it was out of character for my friend to cheat, then I'd be concerned about their mental health and over all wellbeing.

My friends are essentially my family, so I can't say that I'd immediately reject them for cheating. I'd attempt to talk about it with them, reason with them, try my best to convince them to stop, and do right by their partner. But at the end of the day, people are people.

If my friend was a reliable, dependable, and supportive friend throughout our friendship, I wouldn't drop them just because my significant other wanted me to. So That would more than likely terminate my own relationship.

If my friend was simply an acquaintance that I only hung out with but wasn't close to, then I'd drop them at the request of my significant other.

Thehebben · 2022-10-27T14:38:32+00:00

I think cheating is wrong so i want to tell and even from my own perspective a friend that cheats isn't loyal. So he can't be a good friend

Ohyarlysmiles · 2022-10-27T16:08:54+00:00

I hope so, because I've cheated a lot in the past.

And you're asking about a partner giving an ultimatum about something that essentially isn't really their business --- sounds like a shitty partner.

DerekMorganBAU · 2022-10-27T13:05:20+00:00

Yes why wouldn’t I? It’s none of my business.

Not like you don’t have skeletons in your closet so who are you to judge?

He who is without sin cast the first stone

januaryphilosopher · 2022-10-27T13:10:03+00:00

If it's not affecting me, it's no reason to not be friends, although of course I'd make my opinions on the matter known. I'm not so naive as to think any of my friends have never hurt anyone.

MistyMaisel · 2022-10-27T15:12:43+00:00

I think you let that friendship go. Not because of your partner, but because that person is doing something extremely wrong and put you in a bad position. But honestly, I'm not the sort who would keep quiet about that. I'd tell the person being cheated on if I had that level of access to them. Wrong is wrong, if someone knew my man was being unfaithful, I'd want them to tell me immediately so I could begin my revenge.

Now, if this was a relationship of 5+ years, it's a little different. I would certainly distance myself from them and explain why directly. But, I'm prepared to maintain light contact and return to full friendship once they've ceased what they did and shown some signs of regret or never doing it again.

huhwhatokok · 2022-10-27T13:39:46+00:00

Na everyone has flaws, my 2 good friends cheat consistently on their LTRs.. Love those dudes tho.

toasterchild · 2022-10-27T13:28:28+00:00

Just because you stay friends doesn't mean you think that all of their choices are ok. I have known friends who were cheating, never once did I think "oh boy that's a great idea, I should totally try it sometime."

Impossible_You_8555 · 2022-10-27T14:13:23+00:00

I have yes

He's my friend, I have male and female friends who have

LiLaLauneLain · 2022-10-27T14:34:31+00:00

I am not responsible for other peoples actions and as long as they are nice, open and honest to me i don't care what they do to their partners as long as i am not also friend with them...

Backyouropinion · 2022-10-27T15:16:38+00:00

I’ve had married acquaintances who I knew prior to getting married, who cheated. Being married and having kids, I felt sick to my stomach for people I knew were married and serial cheaters, especially with kids.

Neptune-Jr · 2022-10-27T16:47:03+00:00

I'd stay friends with them. I wouldn't help with there cheating though. (Like lying that they were over my house.) I might even secretly warn their partner before things get serious. But I'd stay friends with them.

pinktuliplover · 2022-10-27T18:50:38+00:00

If you can’t be loyal and honest to the person you love and are committed to, why would I think you would be loyal and honest towards me? Hard pass.

hypotenoos · 2022-10-27T13:02:27+00:00

If I got rid of friends for each of their poor life choices I wouldn’t have too many friends.

I think it’s your place as a friend to express your concerns but you can’t live their life.

Vegetable-Rub3418 · 2022-10-27T13:12:24+00:00

Sure. Some people change

KingWhoCared86 · 2022-10-27T13:47:28+00:00

Half my family is comprised of a bunch of swingers/cheaters/promiscuous people and I still talk to them.

_demidevil_ · 2022-10-27T14:52:46+00:00

Make sure my partner leaves their keys on the way out.

jerrywheels · 2022-10-27T14:57:30+00:00

Some of my friends are cheaters and while I have not excommunicated them, I do give them shit for it, coz it’s pathetic.

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2022-10-27T15:41:35+00:00

That hypothetical would never happen.

Connect-Industry-702 · 2022-10-27T16:39:45+00:00

I’m going through this right now.

I told my friend, they have 2 weeks to break it off with their partner. I don’t support or condone cheating. My friend has agreed to end their relationship.

We’ll see what happens.

bigapple4am · 2022-10-27T17:45:13+00:00

I never used to, I always had the “its not my business” train of thought until one of my then friends cheated on his wife, had been lying to her for years, also lied that I wanted to sleep with him. I found out how much of a damn liar he was. I dropped him so fast. Cheaters tend to be liars and they don’t often feel bad for doing said things, I rather not be around ppl like that. I know that now, I just had to learn the hard way.

Teflon08191 · 2022-10-27T18:30:50+00:00

I'd tell them I'm not a mistrustful control freak despite being with them, thereby disproving their assertion that "you are who you surround yourself with".

Then I'd break up with them, because I'm not interested in mistrustful control freaks.

ClaraBow01 · 2022-10-27T19:02:38+00:00

If they cheated recently and feel no remorse, probably not.

growandappear · 2022-10-27T19:20:33+00:00

Don't have experience with real friends, only a drinking buddy type, but no. It speaks to character.

I would be extremely surprised by a true good friend of mine cheating. I'd have to watch very carefully how they rationalize the events, because that's where you find out they might be bad news for you too.

DumbWordsmith · 2022-10-27T13:37:33+00:00

Depends on how close I was with them.

If it's a close friend, I'd put some distance between us until he showed that he was genuinely sorry for what he did.

Even amazing people make really bad mistakes. I want to leave that door open so that they have a chance to redeem themselves.

LoomingCrimson · 2022-10-27T13:40:34+00:00

Based on how you’ve described the situation, your partner sounds like they’re delivering an ultimatum.

Perhaps I’m misreading that, but if my partner, or any significant person in my life did that to me, I’d throw them directly out of my life and laugh while doing it.

Now addressing whether or not to be friends with a cheater. This depends. Am I friends with both?

Based on the situation you’ve described, you’re friends with the cheater, not the one being cheated on. If I think my friend is really doing a good person dirty, I may intervene, but it’ll risk and maybe cost myself the friendship. Depending on how good of a friend I am with them, I may overlook it.

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neetykeeno · 2022-10-27T14:22:41+00:00

I might lose a friend but I can probably force my partner to in return stop seeing the most problematic member of his social circle. That guy who makes those sexist jokes ..bye!

Frailiul · 2022-10-27T15:25:14+00:00

I would. It's not my business. Nor am I in a position to be picky and throw people away. I don't have a partner anyway so I wouldn't lose anything personally.

jackedsoon · 2022-10-27T16:07:11+00:00

Yeah sure

howdoiw0rkthisthing · 2022-10-27T16:08:27+00:00

I mean I’d love to say I wouldn’t but I’m still friends with someone who might be genuinely racist so… realistically yes.

Flightlessbirbz · 2022-10-27T16:14:31+00:00

Probably not at this point in my life since I prefer to avoid drama. It would be awkward hanging out with their partner, and I might have trouble trusting my friend. However, it wouldn’t make me want to cheat myself, and I am not sure I would be willing to end a friendship just because my partner wanted me to. That would make me a little uncomfortable too. So really, it’s a tough call.

Barely-moral · 2022-10-27T17:14:54+00:00

I go to our agreement. The only way she has a say in my friendships is if the friend in question is a woman.

If the cheater friend is a woman, she can decide that I am no longer friends with her for any or no reason. If the cheater friend is a man she gets no say.

If she wants to leave, she is free to leave.

Laytheblameonluck · 2022-10-27T17:36:42+00:00

A partner who's trying to stop you cheating is a partner who's hiding knowledge as to why they consider that you will cheat.

Your partner finds out that you know about the cheating, and threatens to breakup with you because “you are who you surround yourself with.” And if you think your friends cheating is okay, then you’re probably also more likely to cheat.

What do you do?

Nothing.

If they want to break up with you over that, let them.

If they don't break up over it, they'll learn a valuable lesson.

The threat didn't work.

The bigger question is where does this insecurity regarding cheating stem from, it's either:

A projection of their own situation, they are concerned you'll do the same back.
Mate-guarding because they secretly recognize their lower libido in the relationship, so want to reduce your options

h1shman · 2022-10-27T20:03:59+00:00

Years ago I would have said yes I’d stop being friends. Now I surround myself with HVM. Hunters, achievers, business owners, physically in shape etc. These men tend to live very wolf of wallstreet lifestyles. I respect them for their ambition and discipline, not so much morality.

InfamousBake1859 · 2022-10-27T21:46:16+00:00

I would question it. Most likely, not. I may make some exceptions but nothing really justified cheating.

Edit: after reading your post - i would not be friends with them. If they were in some abusive relationship and started cheating or accidentaly got into an emotional affair but trying to pull away, maybe.

Bad_texter · 2022-10-27T21:51:49+00:00

I have a close friend, who has been tempted to cheat. I am not froends with her husband. In fact, i think he’s an abusive POS. Even then, i discourage cheating.

However, if she does cheat, i would remain her friend but i think it would be super unwise to cheat for multiple reasons.

Normaly it’s the lack of reapect for your partner - but given he’s a POS, whatever.
Lack of respect for yourself.
Lack of respect for the other person - either you are lying to them, or they don’t care you are a cheater (which makes them also trash).

BrickedHampster · 2022-10-27T22:40:04+00:00

Tell my SO to fuck off. I would’ve avoided being in the company of my friend’s partner anyway to begin with.

Ppdebatesomental · 2022-10-28T00:23:11+00:00

I have stayed friends with both a male and two female cheaters. I don’t approve, cherish my own monogamous relationship, but life is messy, no one is perfect and I kind of understood why they cheated.

BlackPorcelainDoll · 2022-10-28T00:30:39+00:00

Duh! Who gives a fuck. I have all kinds of friends. Gold diggers, assholes, cheaters, genuinely kind people, religious freaks, etc. I get on with everyone, love people unless they hate me first.

roastpork99 · 2022-10-28T00:35:12+00:00

This thread is....revealing lol.

Firstly, to answer the question about if my hypothetical partner threatened to break up with me because I knew about my friend cheating but kept quiet about it....well my first thought would be that it's a little bit extreme to break up with someone just because of this, especially if otherwise your relationship is really good.

Let's say for example it was my partner's friend that cheated and my partner knew about it; just because my partner knows about their friend cheating, doesn't mean they approve of it necessarily? I wouldn't expect my partner to suddenly cut of their friend off either, because whilst cheating is definitely wrong there are a myriad of circumstances that can lead someone to cheat.

People are imperfect and make mistakes and don't always intend to hurt others, but sometimes things happen. Plus at the end of the day, the ultimate responsibility is down to the person that cheated, and it's up to them to tell their partner what occurred. I couldn't hold my own partner in contempt when they didn't do anything wrong but were unfortunate to find out about the infidelity.

And the scenario is too black and white as well, it makes the assumption that knowing about cheating and not doing anything about it automatically makes someone bad but the world just doesn't work like that.

roseonyxa · 2022-10-28T04:03:40+00:00

It depends on the cheater is he sorry for cheating and willing to change and took full responsibility for his actions or is it someone who blames their partner for their actions, doesn't take responsibility, and outright mocks their partner they cheated on. The former I can be friends with the latter I cannot

Meihuajiancai · 2022-10-28T05:05:37+00:00

Yes. I have and I will continue to do so. I'm not dating them

scwizard · 2022-10-28T05:49:01+00:00

I don't have any close friends where I'm not also friends with their other half.

So yeah I'd tell their partner right away and see where the chips fall.

EBZ1722 · 2022-10-28T06:56:23+00:00

I've cut off friends who've gotten divorced and ruined their families because it's fundamentally incompatible with my worldview, I don't believe in divorce. I would certainly cut off a friend over cheating because it's degenerate bottom feeder behavior.

KikiYuyu · 2022-10-28T09:10:22+00:00

If I knew someone who was a cheater, I am throwing them all the way under the bus. Any time someone asks my why we aren't friends anymore, I'm telling them exactly why. If their partner they're cheating on doesn't know, I'm going to be the one that tells them the bad news.

I'd never be in the scenario you describe. If I had a partner who sat back and did nothing about their cheating friend I'd be super pissed off. If they don't consider cheating to be as grave as I do, that's concerning for our relationship.

domdomdom333 · 2022-10-28T10:11:08+00:00

There's a reason there's a saying that you're a reflection of all your friends. Sooner or later your friends behaviours to take an effect, especially on the way you think.

Constant repetition of something can slowly makes it feel fact. If a buddy of mine's gonna be a cheater, I won't stand the next 10 years of him justifying why it's not a bad thing.

ViolentTakeByForce · 2022-10-28T10:33:10+00:00

Being my friend does not mean I would necessarily agree with a host of decisions that you make. There are definitely lines that shouldn’t be crossed(murder, r pe, etc) that would cause me to drop a friend but I do not find cheating to be one of them.

And if my partner gave an ultimatum(never had this issue)… there’s the fucking door lol. Not even kidding.

I would actually take the request slightly seriously if it was also an issue of a person being a deadbeat, so being a man with no job, abandoning their child. But it better be a request of reflection to me, not an ultimatum. If it was a female friend doing the cheating, the females in my circle don’t really influence me. I would cheat because I wanted to not because they are doing it.

If you are only friends with someone because they have exactly the same beliefs as you or in this case your girlfriend, I don’t think you are a great friend. It should be based on whether or not you can depend on the person despite their flaws and their actions towards you. Again barring major crimes.

Freevoulous · 2022-10-28T10:53:48+00:00

Absolutely do not care.

Monogamy is just weaponised jealousy, genital socialism. Fuck that noise and people who worship it.

The only issue I have with cheaters is that they do not have the guts to just openly admit to not being monogamous.

If my SO had a problem with me tolerating a cheater, especially an IDEOLOGICAL problem about it, she would be single and homeless 30 seconds later. I have zero tolerance policy for such idiocy, let alone for THREATS.

bluestjuice · 2022-10-28T16:18:38+00:00

I’m too old to have anything be absolutely black and white, so, it would depend. It would certainly color my assessment of that friend and their ethical framework and quite possibly could cause me to pull back the closeness of our friendship.

NationalistGoy · 2022-10-29T04:52:25+00:00

The general rule for men should be "you are not friend of your buddy's gf/wife". The only reason why a man interacts with a taken woman is because he is friends with her man. If the friendship with the man ends, the friendship with the woman also ends.

Here is my personal experience.

I met my friend's girlfriend, the three of us spent so much time together, we went out dozens of times, he have dozens of pictures together, we shared a lot, so a bond was formed between me and her.

My friend at the time cheated on her, physically abused her, mentally abused her, among other things. Since I have this sort of bond with her, I took his actions personal and I wanted to exact revenge on him for being so shitty to her.

But the thing is, that's their problem, it's not my relationship, it's theirs. I cannot punish the guy for what he does within his relationship.

I ended the friendship because of the things I mentioned above. I have been seeing some other friends and I recently met their gf/wives, and I treat them with courtesy and respect, but that's it. I do not add them on social networks, I don't have their phone numbers, I do not text with them, I am not friends with them.

Egibson89 · 2022-10-29T13:13:30+00:00

Probably… not

EasternToe3824 · 2022-10-31T11:52:04+00:00

A threat of breaking up shows the relationship is already damaged. I‘d show her the door.

Also I would have a heart to heart with my friend and if he really cheats only for excitement, well he‘d be out as as well.

Title	Would You Stay Friends With Someone That is a Cheater?
Author	anonymous-platypus1
Upvotes	25
Comments	123
Date	October 27, 2022 12:50 PM UTC (3 months ago)
Subreddit	/r/PurplePillDebate
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/would-you-stay-friends-with-someone-that-is-a.1137138 https://theredarchive.com/post/1137138
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/yer5np/would_you_stay_friends_with_someone_that_is_a/