Last year, my therapist and I decided that, among other things, we will challenge my view of men (🚩). In therapy, I grew to equate my deep mistrust of men to a “flawed, unfair” mindset.
At the time, I would experience mental flashbacks of the abuse I was put through during my formative years. It severely affected my emotional and mental development. Despite these consequences, analyzing my abuser’s grooming tactics (pre-therapy) enabled me to accurately anticipate, read, and detect potential “red flag” behaviors in men. Despite all the mental drawbacks, I was very close to certain, if not most, FDS principles.
And yet.
I thought that my deteriorating mental health was the product of my “hate for men”. As if my “trauma-induced” judgements were somehow less valid or accurate (they are often perceived as likely to be more biased). I naively believed that, if I somehow “re-frame” my vision of “some men” to a more neutral one, my C-PTSD would be less prevalent, less susceptible to triggers. Of course, that did not happen: my therapist and I ended up gaslighting me into the “not all men” mindset. Instead of expecting/anticipating the worst, I placed myself on the neutral ground, more susceptible to “giving the benefit of the doubt” bullshit.
Yes, I needed professional involvement in helping me process my trauma. Thanks to my therapist’s work and validation, I was able to release emotional numbness and a deep-seated sense of apathy. We likely prevented me slipping further into severe depression.
Still, I regret that, although well-intentioned, I let myself grow into a woman who chose my ex partner. I know that my former self wouldn’t: she was young, yet so smart, assertive, and extremely decisive. She knew how to read people, she tried her best to protect herself and she did it well.
I mourn rejecting her. This has been the hardest part in my healing journey. Forgiveness does not come easy.
Nonetheless, at least now I know: it is time I walk her out of the shadows into love, acceptance, and kindness.
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