There is a continual process to learning and applying information. Understanding how this works is a fundamental component of life that I often take for granted and forget that some people haven't understood at a conscious level yet.

As with most RP concepts, the learning cycle is a tool that is amoral in itself. It is not distinctly "Christian" or "good" or "unChristian" or "bad." It just is. How you use it is up to you.

I Don't Know What I Don't Know

Everybody starts here with new concepts. Imagine an infant who is totally oblivious to the world on the day of his birth. He has no idea that he's even ignorant at all. In faith, there are things about God, Christianity, spiritual maturity, Scripture, etc. that you're entirely unaware even exist as a concept that you might have to deal with someday. In your marriage, there are aspects about how you and your wife function that you don't even know to look for because you're ignorant of their existence. There are psychological triggers, emotional buttons to push, and physical spots to tingle that are still yet to be discovered and you don't even know they exist.

I Know What I Don't Know

At some point you realize your ignorance. It might be by reading a book or an MRP post, it could be listening to a sermon, or maybe a friend mentions something you've never thought of before. Somehow you're exposed to something new and you are now aware of your ignorance. You have no idea what the person is talking about, but now you know there's more out there. If it's something stupid like a new species of fish in the deep sea that you didn't know you were missing out on seeing, you might not care. But if it's something important to you, you'll probably be intrigued enough to look into it more.

I Know What I Know

So, after much study, research, discussion, and application you've now finally mastered the subject. Maybe you did really care about that deep-sea fish and you know everything there is to know about it. Or maybe it's a new sexual position that you'd never tried before and you've mastered doing it with your wife. Or perhaps its a sin issue you were previously blind to, but have since repented and now have the tools to battle against it. One way or another, you own that subject - it's yours whenever you want to make use of it. But it doesn't stop there.

I Don't Know What I Know

As you continue to utilize the information and apply it in your daily life, it becomes ingrained in you on a subliminal level. You store your knowledge of deep-sea fish in long-term memory. You forget you ever knew it, but can draw it up on a moment's notice if the subject arises. You no longer have to consciously think about how to maneuver into that awesome sexual position - your bodies just naturally flow into that pattern because it's like second-nature to you. You're no longer cognizant of your efforts to avoid that sin issue because you've developed a habit of living rightly, which is ingrained as part of your being. What you mastered is now a part of you without the need to consciously think about it anymore.

FOR YOU

Here is The Box Illustration, which incorporates all of these principles in a neat package that's easy to remember (you can really ignore all the small print and just remember the titles; I created this illustration for the "Establishing" process when I disciple men, utilizing it to help them master and internalize the 7 basics).

Before your RP days you probably didn't even know that "fogging" or "negative inquiry" or "amused mastery" were effective strategies for marital communication. You didn't know what you didn't know. But then you read something about it on an RP forum and suddenly became aware of what you didn't know. You found value in the concept and started practicing it until you mastered it on a conscious level - you know what you know. Then you implement it so often that it becomes second-nature to you, ingrained as part of the way you operate day to day. It's who you are. You don't even know that you're doing it, but there it is anyway.

This is the cycle for mastering RP concepts and internalizing them so that you're not just "faking" it all the time. "Fake it til you make it" is often said on MRP, but it only works if you actually "make it." That last box is when you've finally "made it."

This is the same process you must go through whenever you want to learn about a new theological issue, conquer a new sin, master a new discipline, adopt a new mission, etc. Understanding the inner-workings of this process can be immensely helpful in evaluating how far along you are in mastering a concept and just how much more effort you should put in before moving onto the next one, as you can only juggle so many things at once.

FOR OTHERS

As beneficial as it may be for you to utilize in your own pursuit of self-improvement, there's also an aspect of how you can bring another person along this path. On MRP this is known as the "1,000 foot rope." Your wife is trailing way behind, and when you, the captain of the ship, steer things in a suddenly different direction, there's a bit of a jerk that happens as the rope becomes taught and she's now pulled in a new direction at the full 1,000-foot length, whereas before she may have been drifting alongside the boat with a lot of slack in the line.

In general, if your wife isn't following your lead, it's because she hasn't internalized the direction you're going. Her line is quite a ways out. A lot of that is because she is totally clueless about what you're doing. That can work to your advantage sometimes (i.e. keeping her on edge, being unpredictable), but on the whole, if you want her to follow your lead you've got to give her an opportunity to know where you're going, practice walking in that direction with you, and then internalize and adopt that directive herself also.

Example 1: Sex

On a sexual level, for example, my wife has generally been pretty clueless. She grew up in a hyper-conservative Chrsitian bubble, has never seen porn, has never read a book on improving sexuality, etc. She didn't know what she didn't know. I could have just told her about a new sexual position and had a conversation about exactly how we're going to pull it off, but where's the fun in that? Acta non verba. Instead, I just put her body the way I want it and give it a go. At first it was kind of awkward, as neither of us were really good at it, but we added it to our repertoire and practiced. Each time it was a conscious endeavor to remember how to get back that way again. After a while, it became second nature and we just slide into position without even having to think about it. We just added some (DE)Variety(I) to our sex life.

Example 2: Mission

But I can do the same thing to reel in that 1,000 foot rope on other issues, like living on the same mission. When I met my wife she already knew I was passionate about discipleship and that this was my life mission, so box 1 was already done. From there, I failed as a leader, not understanding how she didn't jump straight from "I know what I don't know" to "I don't know what I know" - I wanted her to go from general awareness to having a subconscious lifestyle of discipleship. That didn't work.

So, I had to utilize Jesus' model of training/leadership to get her on board. She already knew "what" I was doing, so I lived it out myself, "showing her how." Then I encouraged her to give it a go by inviting people in our home that she could converse with in front of me, doing it together in a joint context. Once that was comfortable to her, she started trying it on her own in women's groups and eventually inviting other women out one-on-one to chat, and she'd always report back and discuss with me how it went and I'd help her out. Now she disciples women on her own and doesn't feel like she needs my constant training and attention to live out the mission I've instilled in her - and I can now utilize her relationships with these women to reach even more men that those women are in contact with, advancing my ministry as well, not to mention the credibility boost that I get because of my wife's investment in others' lives.

Although my wife must still make a conscious effort to do all of these things, she does internally feel the compulsion toward the process. The internalized "second nature" part is starting to manifest in the form of those daily moments where she thinks to herself, "I should really give so and so a call and see if she wants to get coffee." This is a beautiful thing - and I'm intentionally leading her from one box to the next until she is at a point where she subconsciously lives out the purposes God has given to me to instill in our family.

Now, this is not rocket science. But it's also a process that often gets taken for granted. When utilized correctly, it can be highly influential in re-orienting a person toward your desired outcome, even to the point of changing their internal character such that they naturally live in alignment with the things you're instilling in them. Use that power wisely, but have fun with it too ;)