If you're anything like pretty much everyone on the planet, your social life sucks. Why should you care? Because as much as you want to be your own man, you need other people to do pretty much anything you actually want to do in the world. In the drafting phase, I at one point split this out into a two-part post, but didn't feel like taking the time to separate it all out, and the content blends better when together, so here's the whole thing.



PART I: MENTALITY



No Man Is An Island

Most guys coming here need to learn independence. They're so heavily influenced by society that they need to pull away from everything the world and their wife tells them and develop their own kingdom that operates within their own frame. That's a beautiful thing. But it's unsustainable to go completely independent.

Let's be real: do you really want to live in the wilderness like Thoreau? Even Thoreau didn't live like "Thoreau." He made regular trips to town to visit family and friends. He didn't live in the woods, but in a cabin in a wide open field. He had visitors over and hosted an annual melon party. Nobody actually wants to live in isolation, yet many people's behaviors would indicate they do. Are your behaviors aligned with your goals? In the case of having a social life, for most people the answer is no.

The "Loneliness Epidemic"

I wrote a post about a year ago citing some stats from a survey by Cigna. The conclusion was that around half of the country admitted to sometimes or always feeling alone and having no meaningful relationships. Surprisingly, having kids doesn't decrease your susceptibility to the "loneliness epidemic." Not surprisingly, today's young adults are considered the loneliest people ever to live since we've been recording stats on the subject.

Interestingly, despite what our feminized society tells us about how women are so much better at being "social butterflies" than men, Psychology Today says otherwise:

"According to substantial research, women across all ages and lifestyles report higher levels of loneliness than men do. [Ironically:] Except, perhaps surprisingly, in one subset of people - single people. While married women inch out married men for the lonelier group, single men vastly outweigh single women as the lonelier bunch."

Sucks to be an omega. Notice the language here, though? Substantial research. All ages. All lifestyles. While the world will tell us that we should all build friendships like women (trust, communication, emotional connection, etc.), the reality is that it isn't working for them. At some point, you need to learn to build your social network like a man - and not the feminized betas and omegas who are ruining the gender curve. But we'll get to that later.


Why Does it Matter?

So you've worked on your stoicism and frame a bit. You don't feel lonely anymore. You're an introvert anyway, so why do you care about building social relationships? Because if you don't, you're still a loser. Let me break this down:

  • Even the most introverted person needs some social contact. If you don't have friends outside the home, you're going to default to your wife and kids. This makes it easy to pedestalize them and become co-dependent on them as your only source of relational fulfillment in life.

  • Dread is literally impossible if you never leave your house. Just as bad is when you do leave the house, but everyone knows you're not actually going to be chatting up a random hottie.

  • Online forums can only take you so far. At some point, if you want to learn how to be a man you need to actually see what other men do. The movies don't cut it because you know it's scripted.

  • Chances are, your mission in life involves other people. Financial goals? Unless you are forging your own currency, you can't manufacture money on your own, which means you have to get it from ... people. Athletic goals? You need someone to train you, a rival to best, peers to give you feedback, etc. Political goals? You have to have connections to get into office. Very few goals in life wouldn't benefit from an improved social game.

I could go on, but you get the idea.


So why aren't you?

Some people are dumb and needed to read all that, but for those with common sense, able to figure out with 10 seconds of thought why it's important to build a social game, you're still left with the cognitive dissonance: "Oh yeah, I guess it IS important, but I'm still not doing it. Why not?" There are lots of answers: fear, shame, apathy, laziness, mental health issues (that you probably don't even realize you have), etc.

But there are two answers that rise to the top: (1) You're incompetent. You just don't know how to make friends. I'll address this in the "Action" section, below, so no need to re-hash it here. (2) You Make Idiotic Assumptions. When I coach guys on building their social life, I ask lots of questions about why they're not already friends with someone in particular ... you know ... like ... women. Number 1 response? "They already have a circle of friends, and it's just hard to break in." I'll address the frame issue later. For now, let's realize that this is based on a series of bad assumptions.

  • Assumption 1: The other person doesn't want more friends. This excuse only applies if someone has actually made a clear decision not to have anymore friends. I doubt anyone has actually done this, so they're on the table.

  • Assumption 2: The other person actually has friends. Yeah, you see them hanging around other people, but most social contexts are recurring acquaintanceships, not genuine friendships. Your neighbors and co-workers may call you their "friend," but do you really relate with them the same way you did your roommate in college? Probably not. And that's probably also the case for the person you want to connect with.

  • Assumption 3: The other person doesn't want YOU as their next friend. If you're making this assumption, you need to go back to the sidebar and learn (1) that you're the prize, or if you're not, (2) how to become the prize.

  • Assumption 4: It's hard to break in. It's not. More on that to come.

  • Assumption 5: That there's anything to "break in" on in the first place. Are they putting up invisible fences? Again, this is something of a frame issue, so let's go there.


Your Frame/Their Frame

When my wife looks to make new friends, she asks herself what she could do to cause them to want to include her. This is how women think. They're naturally compelled to want to be in the frame of someone they desire to associate with. But you're a man (I hope). You should be inviting everyone else into your frame. This means that your method of winning friends isn't to suck up to them. It's to be someone they pander to be around.

Church folk are an easy example of this dynamic. The typical strategy for "plugging in" is simple: believe what everyone else believes, suck up to those in authority and praise whatever they say. If you do this, you become part of the crowd and make lots of acquaintances. But nobody actually wants to spend time with you or become closer friends.

On the other hand, have you ever noticed that the popular people are the most critical? They gossip about the secrets they hear and make fun of those around them. This is true even in congregations. Why does everyone gravitate to them? Because they're alpha enough to say what the betas wish they had the balls to. These people are fun. They run against the grain. Their controversial nature gets them attention, and that attention wins them friends, but also makes them enemies. They live in their own frame and it's alluring to everyone around.

Of course, you can live in your own frame and not be a slanderous gossip. This is my approach. Instead of running my mouth about how much better than everyone else I think I am, I actually strive to be the best man I think I can be. People respect that. At some point, they realize they want what I have (even if I have to invite them to have it with me, to get them there). This is what draws the crowd. Once the crowd amasses, I can pick and choose who I want to build closer relationships with.

Relationships and Networking

Now, there's a reason I've been talking most of this time about building authentic relationships. Yes, acquaintances are useful. This is the goal of networking - to build a vast array of people you are loosely connected to in the hope that one of those connections will one day become handy. There is a value to having a vast plethora of people who know your name in the community. I had that in my old community, and I'm working toward rebuilding that after having relocated less than a year ago. Acquaintances make you look good in public, but their utility is limited. I have set aside "networking" as a viable model for long-term success as a man, whether in my career, my neighborhood, in my spiritual pursuits, etc.

When you network, nobody has a vested interest in what you're doing unless it mutually benefits them. Most relationships aren't immediately mutually beneficial. I may meet a businessman who could refer me a case someday, but chances are that he'll recognize me in the grocery store, but won't remember me when his neighbor needs an attorney. Why not? Because he doesn't have a relationship with me. He's only thinking about me when I reach out to him or when he's personally in need.

Instead, 99% of my clients by referral come from people I've spent substantial time with. We've gotten to know each other personally. We've sat down for a meal or talked a dozen or two times, even if only briefly. I know the names of their kids. We make it a point to meet up regularly. These people have you on their mind. My closest friends refer me 2-5 new cases each year, and my more casual friends give me 1-2 cases a year. Even when I'm not around, they're thinking of me when the context comes up. [Funny story: the 1% was a client who was referred to me by an opposing party who was so impressed with my cross-examination of her that she told her friend to go to me instead of her own attorney.]

Lee Rosen used to run the #1 blog on the internet for law practice management. He coached a number of businesses beyond just law firms. I spoke with him by phone once and he told me his singular secret to building a successful career. Can you guess what it was? "Build your relationships, not your networks. Nurture people to think about you when you're gone, not merely to notice you when you're there."

Now, realistically you can't have deep relationships with everyone. You have to balance networking and building relationships to get the best of both worlds. In reality, networking is the first phase of building relationships. So let's go there.



PART 2: ACTION



Building Your Network

I wrote a post a couple years ago titled Social Influence and Defying Context. Much of what I'd say here I've already said there, so no need to make this post longer than it already is. But let me clarify an easy way to build your social network.

  • Say hi to new people. It's that simple. This is where it all starts. My favorites: on a jog, at the gym, in an elevator, grocery sohpping, waiting in line. Just say hi. Even if you don't say anything after that, learn to get the conversation started. If possible, focus on people you know it's reasonably possible you'll see again.

  • Say hi again. Again, basic stuff here.

  • Have a brief conversation. This can be done simultaneously with one of the above, if the situation calls for it. What do you talk about? It doesn't matter. Talk about how awkward you are at starting random conversations, for all it matters. Preferably, talk about the aspect of your life for which you're trying to build a network. Just make sure you're smiling most of the time (unless they tell you their dad just died ... use some common sense, foo). You can have this conversation over coffee, or on the street where you met. It doesn't really matter, though more personal and focused environments are generally going to be more fruitful.

  • Exchange contact information, or learn how to locate them. When I go running, I tend to learn where the people live who I say hi to. They remember me as that dad who pushes 3 kids in a jogging stroller for 5-8 miles at a time. "Hello" becomes "Hello again," which turns into, "Good to see you're still at it." Other times, I cut the conversation short and say, "I've enjoyed talking about this, but I've got to get going somewhere. Here's my number/e-mail. Let's finish our chat soon." If possible, get their info too, then leave. Once you have their info, by this point you've established enough of a foundation that it shouldn't be too awkward to contact them if you're in need.

That's about it for basic networking. Whenever you see these people again, they'll remember you and be primed for acquaintance-like conversations.

Building Your Friendships

After your network grows large enough, you'll start to get an idea of who you'd like to get to know better. It might be someone whose career aligns well with your career needs. It could be someone whose interests are similar to your own and you just want to have fun together. It could be someone you'd like to mentor so you can gain a sense of fulfillment in passing on what you've learned to someone else and sending them out into the world. Whatever your motive is, friendships are where the real value is at. Let's continue our path.

  • Follow up. Remember that contact information you got? Start using it. While I encourage people to master the art of no-context conversations, this is a weird lull where it's better to create context so the other person feels comfortable with the foundation for follow up. "I remembered you said blank, and I'm doing blank, so I figured I'd call and get your thoughts on this."

  • Invite, Mild. Keep it light at first. Grab a meal or coffee together. The idea is to become comfortable hanging out in person. Once that comfort is established, the friendship itself IS the context for future conversations, so you don't need to manufacture context to keep things from becoming awkward for long.

  • Invite, Serious - "Going all the way." Don't do this too soon. Rather than explain this one, I'll just leave this clip.

  • Shift the Dynamic. Make yourself available and let them invite you. This only works once they're already convinced you're someone they want to be around.


Male v. Female Social Matrix

It's important to note that there are some key differences about how men and women engage with friends when they're in the "follow up" and "invite" phases. Hopefully by now you've become fluent with The Female Social Matrix. From this and what I've observed elsewhere, here are a few discrepancies I've seen in how men and women interact, which should help you learn how to build friendships with other men that actually help rather than drain you.

Women Men
Crabs in a bucket Encourage social ascent
Equality Competition
Diss progress beyond the group dynamic Spur on progress
Social niceties; pleasant demeanor Ribbing, critiquing
Focused on the group Focus on role within the group
Supporting conversation Dominating conversation
Plausible deniability Overt expression
Appearance of being wholesome Raw, crude, and blunt
Being fair Being efficient
Consensus/Democracy Hierarchical Structure
Involvement Achievement

Obviously there are going to be exceptions, and most of these will operate on a scale. This doesn't mean that men can't engage in social niceties or encourage equality; rather, it's to say that if there is a conflict between the two, or the opportunity for the male side is present, the man will engage in ribbing and competition instead. For example, a guy might prefer to look for a consensus/democratic solution before acting. But when it becomes apparent that no consensus will be reached, the women will keep trying to find one, but the man will say, "Enough is enough. We're doing this," and then do it.

You'll notice quickly that this dynamic isn't merely describing the difference between men and women, but also between feminized men and the masculine. I have found that even the most feminized men will respect the male social matrix when in the presence of the masculine. Accordingly, my point here is not merely to explain the different social matrices to you, but to encourage you to socialize like a man. In doing so, you will teach other men how to be men, while simultaneously earning the social status afforded to the masculine in your social interactions.


Ten Extra Tips

  1. Take Control of Your Social Life. Even before social distancing, the world at large conditions people toward isolation and arm's-length interactions with others. Even the most extroverted people are unlikely to make much of an effort to build genuine friendships with you. If you want it, you make it happen. That's how it is with pretty much anything worth having. Yes, other people want friends too, but they're either too dumb or too socially conditioned to act on it.

  2. Ignore Context. "Context" is the meta framework most people operate in, made up of the social norms they think they must follow in order to take certain actions. Those social norms are the very ones that ruin so many marriages and condition guys to be beta pussies, leading to higher divorce rates, children out of wedlock, etc. Do you really want to submit to the cultural forces that have created the societal chaos we have today? Plus, learning to defy context makes you more interesting to others and also fast-tracks your progress. See my previously linked post on defying social context.

  3. Embrace rejection. About 7 months ago I wrote a post titled Initiate Often, Confident Always. The premise is that rejection should not rattle your confidence - it should immunize you against further rejection and failure, making it easier the next time. I remember having to raise funds for a ministry job I once took. The first few rejections were tough to take. After several dozen more, I didn't care. It was much easier to raise funds after that - not merely because I could get to the "yes" people faster, but because my fearless charisma started giving some of the "no" people enough confidence in what I was doing that they came around.

  4. Master Asking Questions. This is the most valuable skill you can ever learn. A decent conversationalist uses questions to keep a conversation going. A skilled conversationalist can use questions to engage in deep conversations on matter's he's entirely ignorant. A master can use questions to persuade others to believe virtually anything, while thinking it was their own idea to believe it. I could do an entire post just on the art of asking questions.

  5. Be a Social Sculptor. Many guys, especially those who run against the grain of culture, tell me, "I just don't want to be friends with the people I'm around. They're so liberal and weak and it's annoying." Right, unicorns don't exist. You think you're going to randomly bump into a red pill endorsed contributor out on the streets? It's not going to happen. Rather than looking for the perfect friend, create one. This is the same advice I give for relationships. In my experience, it's harder finding someone worth being friends with than it is to take someone I'm iffy about and influence them into becoming the kind of person I want as a friend.

  6. Negative to Positive. Generally speaking, it's easiest to bond over shared disinterests. Many people have stronger negative reactions to what they don't like than they do positive reactions to what they do like. This creates an easy camaraderie up-front early in a relationship. Of course, focusing on the negative is unsustainable, as people don't like feeling negative all the time. Most people recognize their best friends as those with whom they shared overall positive experiences with. Even if the "positive experience" was something that landed them in trouble, they remember it fondly because of the fun they had in the process.

  7. Learn Cultural Distinctions. Trying to engage with a hipster? Frat boy? Businessman? African American? There are so many cultural subsets that are misunderstood (or perhaps understood better than they want to admit). Knowing some of the unique ins and outs can go a long way.

  8. Tell It Straight, Unapologetic, Yet Tactfully. Most people know I'm a Christian, so I'll use that as an example. Some people think it's impossible for biblical Christians to relate with certain communities, like homosexuals. This is dumb. I've had a number of homosexual friends. For a time, I danced around the issue, not wanting to upset them. That actually upset them even more because they knew I was treating them differently because of their sexual orientation. They wanted me to talk to them the same way I would anyone else. So, we took it a step further. He'd start talking about making out with his boyfriend and I'd tease back, "Yeah, you'll have a lot of time to do that while you're burning in hell for eternity ;)" and they'd laugh. Once the rapport is there, and it's clear that the friendship exists through your disagreements, let the disagreements be a point of humorous distinction, not a point of division.

  9. Have Male Friends. You can't learn how to be a man without being around other men. Even if the guys you know aren't the types of guys you want to emulate, you can influence them to become someone you're proud to be around - and then you can fuel each other on. I've done this many, many times. It's fun and rewarding.

  10. Have Female Friends. Society will tell you that a married man should not be good friends with a woman other than his wife. This is somewhat absurd. Can guys and girls actually be "just friends"? Probably not. So what? Does that mean you're going to start unzipping your pants every time you're around one of your female "friends"? Is your self-discipline really so low? The social convention on this makes sense if you're a weak man who can't control his own dick - and if that's you, and you don't want to blow up your marriage, then follow it. But if know how to keep your pants on, you'd be a fool not to take advantage of the power that women have usurped in society by building relationships with them. It's seriously idiotic to cut off half of the population from your life just because your wife might not like it. Besides, chances are she actually does like it more than she's willing to admit to herself. Dread. Preselection. Mystery. Got it now?