I've written before about how women will be more interested in sex when they feel sexy, and that her husband's desire for her is what fuels her feelings of sexiness. But there's a point where it becomes counterproductive. I was reminded of this in someone else's post, where he noted: "I now see the respect of my wife (and her sexual attraction to me) as something to be earned."

LOVE AND DESIRE

Men innately want respect and sex. These do not come automatically, otherwise there would be no red pill - every blue pill man would have his fantasies fulfilled. No, they must be earned - and they are earned much the same way. As a man increases his attraction through maintaining his physical appearance, dressing appropriately, having a certain social status, etc., his wife respects him more, and that increased respect increases her sexual responsiveness to him.

Women innately want love and desire. These are distinct, but just like respect and sex, they are meant to be earned through many of the same mannerisms, usually being displays of femininity. The problem is that most women are not earning them. Here's why.


LOVE

Christians are taught that we are to "love unconditionally." This concept isn't actually biblical. To be fair, God might have an internal love for all people that he directs toward us, giving us an opportunity to receive his love (Romans 5:8 and all). But he does not let everyone receive and experience the benefits of that love he has for them without condition. If he did, then there would be no need for Jesus. Or to put it another way: acceptance of the Gospel is a condition God places on being able to receive and experience the benefits of his love. If you do not accept the Gospel, you don't get the benefit of his love either.

Moreover, the Bible is chock full of conditional "if ... then ..." statements, whether direct or implied. Consider:

  • Genesis 4:7 - If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door.

  • Exodus 19:5 - If you obey me fully and keep my covenant, then out of all nations you will be my treasured possession.

  • Psalm 91:9-10 - If you make the Most High your dwelling ... then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent

  • Matthew 6:14-15 - If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

  • Matthew 21:22 - If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples

  • John 11:40 - If you believed, you would see the glory of God

  • John 13:35 - By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.

The list could go on. Countless things that we assume are unconditional are not. God has express conditions on the terms of the relationship. And yet Christian men are taught to lavish their wives with love, gifts, attention, and service without condition. This is not what Jesus does as a groom. It should not be how we do it either.

So let me ask: if you were to create your own list of "if/then" statements for your household, what would that look like? Consider that an application point, if you struggle in this area. I strongly recommend you do a study on "if/then" statements made between God and his people and let your list mirror in a human context what Christ did for us in the spiritual context.

But more to the point: what does it do to your marriage if you are lavishing your wife with the benefits of your love when she doesn't deserve it? I don't mean to stop loving your wife when she doesn't deserve it. I do mean to stop letting your love be unconditional, except when you want it to be.


DESIRE

Let me preface this section: in the secular RP world, we are taught to treat a wife's attraction to us as the determining factor in our sexuality, and therefore we focus on our own attractiveness above all else. There is significant value in this. However, RPC goes one step further, acknowledging that it is not enough to do our own part; that we must also hold others who have been entrusted to us accountable. Where secular RP merely seeks to make the most of a bad situation, RPC seeks to reconcile all things to God (2 Cor. 5) - restoring the bad situation (all that the feminine imperative entails) to righteousness. While this task, per Revelation, may never be fully complete on a global scale, we can certainly apply it in our own homes.

With that being said, women innately assume they are desired by their husbands. I see people blaming society for this all the time - online dating, social media, movies, music, etc. that all reaffirm that even fat, lazy, ugly women are still beautiful and should be cherished just as they are. Husbands, it starts in your own home.

I remember when my wife told me years ago that she wasn't attracted to me. That left a mark that eventually led me to the red pill: learn how to be more attractive. How many of you are not attracted to your wife? Or how many believe your wife doesn't do enough to make herself attractive for you? How many of you have had the gall to tell your wife, "I'm not attracted to you anymore"?

I know, I know ... we're on an RP forum and everyone here has to pretend his wife is a 9, right? My wife can be ... but most days she's probably a 6. Why? Because for a long time she didn't feel the imperative to doll herself up for me or maintain her physique. Why? There are at least two possible answers:

  1. The standard RP answer is: Because you weren't leading her. If you don't take care of yourself, she'll follow in your example and not take care of herself either.

  2. The lesser discussed answer: Because you keep telling her how beautiful she is and she knows you want to have sex with her.

This second point gets left out of the conversation almost entirely. Rollo will talk about this on a societal level, but nobody really addresses this dynamic within the home itself. Let's break this down briefly:

Honey, You're Always Beautiful to Me

This cheesy line gets played up in chick flicks and romance novels all the time - the girl who gets spotted by her man in sweats without any makeup on and her hair undone, yet he is enamored with her anyway. Some guys are so sex-starved that it might actually be genuine, like when something mediocre tastes delicious right after a fast. Other guys just put on rosy blinders and are willing to fantasize that anything can be attractive if they can get sex out of it.

When you tell your wife this, or when you affirm her looks when they shouldn't be affirmed, you are giving her an excuse to keep looking that way. She wears sweats around the house one day and you decide to be the nice guy and affirm her ... then after a week of it you complain, "You never dress up anymore," and she answers, "I thought you found me beautiful this way."

Even if you were honest and do find her beautiful even in sweats, shouldn't she at least have some base compulsion to want to be more beautiful for her husband?* No, because ...

I Want to Have Sex With You All the Time

It's easy for women to get sex. They can literally walk into a bar, say, "Who wants to have sex with me?" and know they can head out 5 minutes later with a guy - even obese or ugly women could pull this off with reasonable rates of success. For a long time, my wife had the same impression: she could walk in the room whenever she wanted, simply say, "Let's have sex," and I'd be chasing behind her to the bedroom.

Now, secular RP teaches never to turn down a wife who initiates sex. You can turn down bad sex, but don't discourage her from initiating. I'm not sure how to reconcile that with some of my more recent experiences, so I'll let you all decide for yourselves.

What I've found is that this over-affirming behavior gives my wife no incentive to try to seduce me. If she can get sex from me whenever she wants without having to put in any effort to get me in the bedroom, why would she ever put in the effort? Just like: if she can get affirmation from me about her beauty even when she's not dolling herself up, then why would she ever care to get dolled up?


EARNING LOVE AND DESIRE

My wife was not earning the love and desire I was giving her. When we give love and desire without condition, we reinforce that the conditions on our relationships don't matter to us. As a result, women won't live up to the conditions we place on the relationship - they're hollow and unenforceable. So how do we start reinforcing these conditions?

Non-Reinforcement

The most obvious way is simply to communicate your expectations openly. She can't live up to expectations she doesn't know exist. If the expectations are implied, she has plausible deniability in failing to live up to the expectations, even if she should know what they are. As soon as you're open about it, she has to make a choice: respect or defy the boundary.

Another basic RP strategy is simply to condition your attention and availability to her on her conformity to your expectations. The secular crowd misses the boat by limiting this as a useful device only to those situations where she is exhibiting bad behavior, such as when she's being bratty or employing excessive fitness tests. But what about when she's simply failing to exhibit good behavior? This side of things often gets left out, but can be significant. Remember: Jesus didn't say the tree with the bad fruit gets cut down; it's the tree that fails to produce good fruit that is thrown into the fire.

A simple, practical measure is not to communicate any thoughts of love or desire toward your wife until she actually does something to earn it. She puts on cuter outfit that day, "I like that one, babe. You look good." She wears her normal clothes and asks how she looks? "You look normal."

Another way is to adjust your sexual initiation patterns.

  • She Initiates: By some theories, regardless of how poor an initiation it is, initiating sex is good behavior that should be rewarded, and you don't want to condition her not to initiate. The concept is generally: Never turn down sex; only bad sex; and you have to be having sex to know if it's bad. That said, if you're going to her every time she calls, doesn't that teach her the same lesson as the girl who walks into the bar and says, "Who wants to have sex with me today?" Solution: add conditions. "Sure, I'll go to the bedroom with you. Let me grab a drink while you put on some stockings and the black lacy bra." What happens if she tells you no? Go read the sidebar.

  • You Initiate: MMSLP hits the nail on the head with this one: just tell her up-front what you plan on doing. "We're going to head upstairs in 10 minutes. You're going to wear the purple corset and I'm going to bend you over the dresser before throwing you onto the bed and thrusting you from above." It's overt, displays dominance, and puts her in a position of deciding consciously if she's going to respect or defy you, rather than causal or subtle or implied initiations where she can deflect without feeling like she's actually telling you no. The goal here is that you're giving her a set of expectations about how she should behave when you have sex.

Can you initiate when she isn't dressed up or behaving to your expectations? Sure. Just incorporate your expectations into the initiation. You can, of course, decrease your sexuality if you think it would be more effective; I'm simply saying you can still make progress without having to.

Positive Reinforcement

When she's behaving appropriately, reward her - let her know that you appreciate the extra effort she made to put on makeup just to go to the grocery store together, or that you really liked the lingerie she wore for once. In fact, especially if gift-giving is a love language for her, don't generalize the gifts; give gifts that reinforce your expectations - lingerie, new perfume, jewelry, a color of nail polish you really enjoy.

The early stages of dread are also valuable here. You should be doing these by default anyway, but exaggerate your expression when she puts in extra effort. If she used to scroll social media all day, but suddenly she cleans the house and cooks you a meal, "Great job today, babe. That freed up some time for me to fix the cracked tile by the front door." If she puts on a dress for date night, instead of jeans and a nice polo that you'd normally wear, you step it up to slacks and a button-up. She gets her hair cut and styled a way you like: "That's a great idea. I think I'm going to get my hair done tomorrow too." Don't make her feel like you're just following whatever she does; but show her that upping each other's game is a mutual thing, not a one-sided thing. In theory, she should already be doing this in response to your initiation. If she's initiating in these areas before you even start, that's a bigger problem.

Negative Reinforcement

Secular RP suggests the later stages of dread. If your wife won't conform, go attract someone else who will. When your wife knows you could get a woman who would meet your desires, maybe she'll step up her game and start doing so too ... and if she doesn't you can always just go be with that other woman instead. Although most would just call it "doing whatever I want," by calling it a form of intentional or active dread, the implication is that you're trying to create an emotional threat or pain in your wife that will inspire her to conform her behaviors. I do not endorse later stages of dread, and there's already content on the sidebar here as to how to process the levels of dread.

To be clear, non-Christians have later stages of dread because they really don't see another way. Christians do have another way that's specifically prescribed to us: Matthew 18. You discuss the matter in private, then escalate it to get witnesses involved, then escalate it to church leadership. Most Christian women would are mortified to have their sex-life talked about openly, especially if another man is included in the conversation - and even worse is if it's talked about in a way that's not favorable to them. That is, she might chat up with her girlfriends about a great night you two had, but tell her you're bringing Bob and Jen in to discuss her sexual issues and she just might crack. Non-Christians can't effectively employ this because they have no context for it; it just comes off as an intentional effort to be highly offensive against a woman. But the Bible gives us a context. A wife should reasonably know that if she is in sin, there's a biblical process for handling that, which mitigates her reaction to the disciplinary measure. And even if she does blow it up, you at least know you're on biblical grounds and can rest in your own frame, whereas the secular man attempting such a thing has no such security in the wisdom of the decision.


CONCLUSION

Women need to be loved and desired. Society gives them artificial love and desire for free, but if they want the real deal they look to their husbands. If you give her the benefit of your love and desire when she hasn't earned it, you are conditioning her to believe that she always deserves your love and desire. As a result, she will only improve herself to meet your expectations when she feels like it or when she thinks she's rewarding you for your behaviors, as if you're on her leash.

The better way to handle the situation is to create a framework within the household where she has to work to earn your love and desire, just as you have to work to earn her respect and attraction. You can do this by communicating your expectations openly, but at some point you need teeth to enforce those expectations if she's ever going to listen.

The best way to enforce your expectations is to put her in a situation where she must choose whether to respect or reject what you communicate to her. For Christian women, who know they are to respect their husbands, this can go a long way, as many Christian women don't like it when their disrespectful behaviors are brought to a conscious level - they prefer to pretend they're not disrespectful and maintain plausible deniability when you point it out. You can also reinforce their good behaviors with rewards, whether by your own personal behaviors or by targeted gift-giving, or services that enhance your expectations (ex. making the bed on a day you plan on initiating sex). You can also employ the Matthew 18 process as a negative reinforcement mechanism, if you believe her behavior warrants it - just make sure to find people whose standards you know to be biblical and who you can trust.