Dating friends vs. dating women you don’t know entirely well

RedPillWonder · 2020-02-16T06:11:37+00:00

im friends with a bunch of girls in my fellowship and classes, but I don’t really do stuff with them outside of that. I feel like I need to work on this

What are you wanting?

not necessarily for the purpose of finding a partner

So you don't want to date them, you just want to hang out with them?

because it would be good for me

How so?

I'm not saying it wouldn't be, just wondering why you think so.

But I don’t want to turn it into a thing where I hope someone starts developing feelings for me

Your goal is to become a beta orbiter, but without the hope that many have of the woman developing feelings for you?

The girls I’ve asked out in the past were girls that I was friends with, but I didn’t really know them entirely well.

So you think if you know them better first, you'll make it past the friends stage and things will progress?

(I’m 0/3 hehe)

Unsurprising.

Brother, I'm not entirely sure what you want, so let's start there.

Do you want to date a woman who is attracted to you, wants to spend time with you and longs for things to develop into something more serious?

If yes, you don't need to develop better friendships. Just ask her out and take her out if she says yes. Then take her out again if that's what you want. Repeat this process and lead the relationship.

Option 2: Do you want to casually date a woman but for it to not get serious, and no feelings develop?

If a woman is attracted to you (physically) and likes who you are (character and personality wise), where you're going (career and mission wise), she is going to develop feelings for you. Understand and accept this. If you kiss her, hold her hand, cuddle or sit close on the couch, etc this only increases.

You can tell her upfront that you only want to date casually and for it to be nothing serious so she's not under any false impression, but she will still likely develop feelings.

Option 3: Do you simply want to hang out with women outside of school, but not date or have them (or you) develop feelings?

There's the old saying, Men and women cannot be friends. Attraction (if it's there initially from one side or the other) and feelings almost always develop/grow stronger.

In any case, you wouldn't be dating them in this scenario.

You seem to be saying in a round about way that you don't want any feelings to develop, but you're 0 for 3, you think that's because you didn't know them well enough, so your plan is to be better friends with women so when they really get to know you, your chances of getting dates go up and deep down, you really do want one of these girls (or a new one) to develop feelings for you, but you couch it in terms of "Nah, I don't want any feelings happening" so to speak, to seem aloof and indifferent.

Could be wrong. This is how it comes across to me, though.

Figure out what you want and proceed accordingly.

BalaclavaStrasserism · 2020-02-16T09:38:28+00:00

Becoming friends with a girl is a terrible way to try to date her. It's called the friend zone

If you have a lot of female friends and they consider you attractive this usually puts you in good position to be set up with her friends. But try not to be too close to them, or you come off as a gay

Red-Curious · 2020-02-16T16:33:54+00:00

You're missing the rule 2 information. What's your mission? There's no problem dating from your friend pool, but you don't even have that. And without a clear mission and strong frame, even when you do get friends, the relationships will be shallow and directionless.

Too many guys want to skip building the foundation and go straight to chasing girls.

For nonchristians, that's fine. The chase is practice, and if they can get laid a few times before they're actually worth it, they say, "All the better." But if your goal is sex within marriage instead of sex alone, then the foundation matters more than the chase. If you intend to stay pure, the chase doesn't get you sex, but does give her feels - and you end up getting emotionally entangled with someone only to find a few years of improvement later that you could have done much better (though by then you're probably too blue pill to admit it).

This is what I pick up as your issue. Get back to the foundation.

PrincepsOmni · 2020-02-16T07:58:51+00:00

You haven't stated your end goal here.

Based on your statements I think it's reasonable to assume you're looking for a wider pool of prospective women to marry - and I think I can safely assume like most men you want a woman who is genuinely attracted to you (if these assumptions are wrong please correct me).

Women are drawn to interesting men. From a purely worldly sense a man with passions, interest and hobbies who is chasing his own excellence is far more interesting than a man trying to befriend women in the hope that attraction might grow (this is more likely to end up with you being friend-zoned). This is a scarcity mindset approach.

You absolutely do need to build a good circle of godly people who live their best lives, and people who will lift you up. This is best achieved with other men - the traits that make men value each other tend to be the traits women find attractive. A man who other men look up to as strong, hard working, dependable, honourable etc will naturally attract women.

And you need to cultivate your own interests, goals as well as your spiritual growth.

You can certainly take initiative to be friendlier to women you see are living high standard godly lives, but your mindset must be one of abundance. A strong man doesn't try to befriend women in the hope they might find him attractive - he already knows his value and is busy creating his best life...that naturally draws good women.

Ask yourself what kind of women you like, and what you think such women would be attracted to...start there rather than trying to be friends with women.

Title	Dating friends vs. dating women you don’t know entirely well
Author	bigger_than_me
Upvotes	11
Comments	4
Date	February 16, 2020 4:54 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RPChristians
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RPChristians/comments/f4ltnc/dating_friends_vs_dating_women_you_dont_know/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RPChristians/dating-friends-vs-dating-women-you-dont-know.336538 https://theredarchive.com/post/336538