Girlfriend's past bothering me, and other things (Warning: sexual past discussed)

5 points52 commentssubmitted by maximillian2 to r/Christianmarriage

I [29M] recently began a dating relationship with a woman [23F] who I met through some mutual friends in a new city I live because of work. Long story short, we had a pretty good connection and started dating before she went back to Europe where she and her family live. By that time we started a budding relationship-she invited me to visit her and meet her family, which I did.

We almost kissed during our first dates, but after that she kept trying to save our first kiss for a special moment to make a "beautiful" story.

As a Christian, you may be wondering why I tried to kiss her, etc., well, you'd be partly right. I think God was showing me that I shouldn't kiss her until our relationship is very far along, perhaps after a proposal if that happens. (Plus lately, I have been getting a lot more attention from women and was in a drama situation for making out with a woman, which was not a good choice.)

This is fine, except when I heard she had an extremely emotionally intense relationship when she was around 20. The guy she was with pushed her too far sexually (think foreplay to the point of her having orgasms and giving oral) many times. Her father gave them permission to marry, so this may be why. In any case, it seemed like she would do anything for him and was willing to upend her life in Europe to follow him. Before this she had like 4 non-christian boyfriends who she went too far with as well. Apparently she didn't know marrying a non-believer was verboten. When she told me all this, I felt like a truck hit me. I always envisioned I would be with a virgin, (or at least, less experienced as she hasn't given herself fully sexually). She's grown much since then.

Wow, looking back on the sentence I typed make me and her seem like total pagans. Sexual purity is actually a big deal for me, and despite my age I've not had sex but have gone too far (foreplay) twice. I'm a big advocate of no-fap. I had to literally tell women I'm not having sex with them as they tried to convince me. Praise the Lord for that.

At this point she seems changed, because that relationship didn't work out and she was completely heartbroken. I was totally floored when she told me this, but I am glad she didn't go farther with her past bf.

We believe the Gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ, and know that he cleanses us of our sins when we repent, confess them, and turn from our ways. She's completely honest with me and I can ask her essentially any detail and she will tell me because she doesn't want to hide anything at this stage in our relationship. I want to be a guy who treats her right-and I came to the realization that kissing and physical touch can interfere with the evaluation process of dating, so at this point I'm starting to solidify the idea that we shouldn't kiss for a while/after engagement. I want to build her up spiritually, emotionally, and treat her right. If we decide not to continue I want her future husband to be glad she met me and happy that I treated her with respect.

A few things based on this background:

  1. She was so passionately "in love" with her past boyfriend and went so far sexually with him (many times) that I'm having an issue getting over it. It's because she was so attracted to him, probably. Since she won't kiss me, I'm worried she's not as attracted to me. I refuse to be a beta-male provider, I want my wife to be passionate for me and attracted to me at a high level. When she told me her sexual past I was emotionally wrecked and slipped into masturbation. This was rare for me as I've tried so hard to discipline myself in that area-typically can go many weeks without slipping. (I continually need to cleanse my mind.) When I told her this, she said that she wants to help me as an accountability partner. Recently, we discussed 1 Cor. 7 where the wife and husband are bound to serve each other sexually. She wants to know how much I want sex because she's mentioned that twice a week is probably okay and so wants to know how much I can control myself. She literally said "what if one of us wants sex and the other is tired or doesn't feel like it for whatever reason." !!! Okay, yea, that possibly happens late in the marriage. But look, if she's having this outlook now then I'm seriously wondering-is this a warning this woman is not attracted to me or will use sex as a tool and say "twice a week is enough!" A women will do this if she's not passionately attracted. I can't help but think she would never have denied her past bf anything.

2) How do other couples handle sexual tensions? If one partner has a higher sex drive? Men: what do you do that increases your wife's passion and attraction for you?

3) How do I/we aid in the healing of our sexual past?

4) Do you think letting my gf be my accountability partner is a bad idea and will hurt our relationship? There's good men who I already do this with. But she want's to know how much "control" I have over myself. (I'm worried that she's already calculating how she can wean me off sex, as already mentioned.)

P.S. The above may make our relationship seem very negative, but it only represents a uni-dimensional slice, and we have grown so much spiritually.

I'll update as necessary.