Going to be a father. Resources?

Late to the party on this post, but here's what I came up with when in your shoes.

The Purpose of Parenting

You can't measure your success as a parent if you don't know what your goals are as a parent. These goals are neither overly broad ("I want him to grow up to be a godly man") or overly specific ("I want him to be a cardiovascular surgeon by the age of 35"). They are informed by the way God has parented us.

The world will tell you that the goal of parenting is simply to have an emotionally positive relationship with your children. If they walk out the door at the age of 18 knowing that you love them and are proud of them - no matter whether they deserve it or not, then you will have succeeded. This is total garbage. I study child psychology literally every single week and review the research. It's part of my job in knowing how to approach custody cases. The evidence is just not there. It sounds good to emotionalist liberals, but there are countless people who felt loved by their parents who still wound up leading very unsuccessful, unfulfilled lives, struggling with depression, loneliness, unable to connect in a community, lacking meaningful romantic relationships, etc.

God does not tell us that a person is mature when they feel loved by him. Rather, he says through Paul: "Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have already attained. Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us" (Phil. 3:15-17).

That is, maturity comes from learning how to live in the example of our parents - and it is made complete when we no longer need our parents, though we may certainly still want them around. I don't take this to mean every single detail of our lives, just as Jesus doesn't compel all men to take up carpentry as their career. But it does mean that maturity comes from developing the same driving force in our life as our parents, which Paul explains in the preceding verse: "I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." That is where spiritual maturity comes from - when we can emulate this "straining forward to what lies ahead" (v14) and an orientation toward achieving clear life goals. The same should be true of earthly maturity: that our children recognize their parents' goals and are able to strive to achieve the mission set out for the - which only works productively if we get our goals from God.

While I don't know much about what he teaches generally, I did read a book on parenting by Chip Ingram. The entire foundation of his book was that the primary purpose of parenting is to teach children how to obey. If they can learn to obey you, they can learn to obey God. I find it hard to argue with that conclusion - especially given all the talking I do about the parallel between the tangible and the spiritual. Just as tangible parenting helps us understand spiritual parenting with those we disciple, so also does being parented for a child by their physical father help them understand how to be spiritually parented by their Father.

In short, my goal as a parent is to teach my children how to obey and to give them a purpose bigger than their own self-interests that they can pursue, which will make a difference for eternity - a purpose that my Father passed down to me through my physical parents and through the man who God used to give me spiritual life.

Get on board with a purpose for your parenting and orient everything around that. As always: Mission matters, nothing else.

Methodology

With my stated goal above, how do I go about accomplishing this? Here are some practical tips that will mostly apply over a long period of time, and not necessarily during the first year of your child's life.

First, Kids are born believing that they are the center of the universe. They're not. Have your own agenda and let them know consistently: "You are important to me, but you're not the most important thing to me, and I do not orient my life around you."

Second, boys in particular get stifled enough by society as-is. They have ambitions and desires and crazy ideas that are totally risky and unsafe. Everyone tells them they shouldn't be this way and that they should just chill out and avoid these adventurous pursuits. This is how boys become feminized. Learning to obey the word "no" is crucial to a boy, but it must also be well-placed. If you can waken his adventurous spirit by finding a way to say "yes," then do it. For example: my son wanted to play with a hammer once. My wife immediately said no. It's really dangerous. He could break himself or something else. Makes sense, right? Don't let kids play with grown-up tools. Screw that. "Yes, you can play with the hammer - just wait until I can do it with you." See how easy that is? Adventurous spirit alive, appropriate cautions taken.

Third, do things WITH your children, not just FOR them or merely telling them what to do or how to do it. I defer back to 208 as the simplified methodology of disciple-making I see in Jesus life:

• Tell them what. Verbally explain to your children who you are and what you expect of them - both in the moment and on broader life goals. This is only the first step because it's probably the least important of all of them.

• Show them how. Actually do things in front of them or show them through guided motions. A classic example is when the guy wraps his arms around a girl to show her how to swing a baseball bat. For my kids, when teaching them how to walk, I'd physically grab their legs and move them in walking motions so they would start to learn. When playing tether ball with my son, I show him how to hit the ball at the right angles to go over the other kids' heads by doing it in front of him.

• Let them try. Once you've shown them, give them a chance. With the tether ball example, he used to want to hit the ball up to go over someone's head. Makes sense to a kid: hit it up to make it go up. After telling him how tension on the rope will cause the ball to swing up if you hit it down, then showing him how it worked, suddenly he understood it and was able to hit the ball effectively on his own.

• Send them out. After they're competent doing something, you can stop supervising. They should be able to function on their own. My son can go play tether ball with other kids on the playground and employ the strategies I taught him even without me being there to remind him.

• Pass it on. As a person begins to excel at something, others start to follow them and want to learn from them. My 7yr old son got really good at folding paper into boomerangs and ninja throwing stars. He gets so excited to show me the new ones he makes after school. Other kids saw him doing it and wanted to learn, so now he's teaching other kids how to do it too. This is beautiful. I didn't have to arrange for this - but there are many things where I do have to be intentional about ensuring my son passes on the things I've taught him to other people. "Do you have any friends who don't know Jesus? Wouldn't it be great if they loved Jesus too? Wouldn't it be cool if you got to be the one to show them how to be like Jesus?"

Fourth, when in doubt, look to how the Father parented humanity. I used to be harsh against legalists. I now understand the value in it - especially as a parent. In humanity's early days, God crafted a covenant of legalism: follow my commands and I'll bless you. Paul later reveals that God never intended legalism, but that humanity without the Spirit and absent the cross was too blind to understand the full picture of God's relationship with his people. My kids are too young to grasp the way I want to relate with them. So, I have to use clear rules and boundaries to create a safe context for them to be able to love and relate with me appropriately. They don't understand why they must clean their room - only that they must do it. As much as I can explain that it's character-building to let them take responsibility for a small domain I've given them, they just can't grasp that concept intellectually yet. So, the law it is. As they mature, my 7yr old son can now understand bits and pieces of the reason behind the rules I place - that the rules are there both for his benefit and my good pleasure. To that end, embrace the fact that legalsim, while not an end-goal or even a present interest, is still a practically valuable tool for parenting purposes.

Fifth, controlled emotional expression can be very valuable. I firmly believe that we, as humans, do not have the capacity to infuriate God. He does not emotionally react to us, as if I could flip off the sky and somehow he'd get all fiery-eyed. Yet we see examples of God becoming angry at human behavior all the time. Is God losing frame when this happens? I never understood this until I became a parent. This happens about every other night. My kids are sent to bed, but keep getting out of bed. It's usually for stupid stuff like, "I bumped my hand on the wall. Can I get a bandaid?" No, you cannot have a bandaid if you're not bleeding. It's silly kid stuff. Sometimes my wife and I just laugh - amused mastery. But I'm not trying to get my kids sexually attracted to me; I'm trying to get them to obey me. So, amused mastery isn't always the best strategy at developing obedience. Know what is? Daddy gives a stern look and starts walking slowly toward them. They think, "I made Daddy mad! I better get back into bed before he spanks me!" Was I actually mad? No. But I certainly needed to show them that side of me so they can develop a healthy fear that leads to obedience - and then I am well pleased with them when they stay in bed after that.

And I'm out of room ...