I've come to realize by reading this forum and also getting feedback here and other places that I'm just not good at this area of life. I know people have said that I'm weak and need to go on easy mode or that I'm insufficient and I actually have been fed that same message in some ways - both blue pill me and red pill me. I've finally given up hope. But thanks for the wisdom and help, I do appreciate it.

There's a story in the old testament where Leah is seeking love from her husband and continually denied and finally names her 3rd(?) Child Judah, saying this time I will praise God. Well, I've also given up on women and I think all the toxic stories of female behavior has left a dark spot in my heart and endless negative feedback.

I know this is whinny and needy and not attractive- but I don't even know if it matters. Even when I do my best and avoid these behaviors, I still don't get success. I'm going monk mode for a few years - maybe even life. Goodnight and good luck.