Help with over-controlling parents?

Red-Curious · 2018-12-21T17:38:39+00:00

You sound like a whiny teenage brat. How is refusing to clean up a table going to make you more manly? Or more godly for that matter?

Part of being a biblical man is learning to respect the chain of authority you're in - whether that's in a military setting or a family one. I don't get the impression they're abusing their authority over you. I do get the impression that you just have trouble with authority and your dad is doing his job trying to beat that out of you. Take his cue and follow his lead.

When you move out and you're not under his authority anymore, you're free to become a loser who doesn't clean up after himself. Or you can learn to put garbage in the trash and dishes in the washer. It's really not that hard.

PurpleTurtle12 · 2018-12-21T16:54:38+00:00

Being beta is sucking up to girls you're interested in, not honoring and obeying your parents.

redwall92 · 2018-12-21T16:58:29+00:00

RP is a sexual strategy. You should probably take this sort of question elsewhere.

However ... if I tell my son to clean up the coffee shop table, then I expect him to clean the coffee shop table. If he chooses to disobey, I don't get angry or threaten, but he knows that there will be consequences. Normally that would mean something like he doesn't come to the coffee shop with me the next time I take some kids to the coffee shop. I welcome discussion with him and questions from him about my choices, but I do not welcome disrespect.

You want to grow to be a man? Then make your choices and deal with the consequences. If you believe you are making the right decision according to your own frame/beliefs, then keep making the same choices as you see fit.

Looking at stuff from your parents as s-tests isn't helpful. You and your parents are hopefully on the same team at the end of the day.

bad--apple · 2018-12-21T16:42:53+00:00

“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.

If you don't like the way they treat you or the way the household is being run then I suggest you move out. Being a high school drop out would make things difficult. I suggest looking into GED programs. You'll find more success as it's easier to garner respect if you've completed basic education.

rocknrollchuck · 2018-12-21T17:11:44+00:00

I'm a teen rper here, and I have some really over-controlling parents who want to keep me under control, like keep me beta. They keep on s-testing me and my father keeps on AMOGing me as well.

Remember, they are trying to parent you the best way they know how. They don't have the advantage of being able to see the code like you do, so give them some grace. Remember what you were like before you found RP?

One situation, where we were in a coffee shop and we just finished our drinks my parents kept on insisting that I clean up all of our trash. I was grey rocking them and trying to ignore them, but my father got all mad and wanted me to clean it up and told me that there will be consequences.

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 'Honor your father and mother'—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3 'so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.'" Ephesians 6:1-3

My parents were ordering me to clean it up yet there were lots of tables that are dirty.

Set a good example now by obeying your parents and doing what they ask, and you will be rewarded throughout your life. God really does take this one seriously.

How can I grow to be a man in an environment like this? Where the very people who should help me be a man, belittle me? I have supported them and helped them somehow financially, I do freelancing work in my spare time. But it seems like I have been beta bucks in this regard.

God sees your sacrifice, believe me. He led you here. He will reward you for helping your parents. Look, being a teen these days isn't easy. The best way to be a man in any environment is to act the way God wants you to act. Treat people with respect, do more than you're asked to do, speak kindly and respectfully with everyone. Set an example for your parents. You never know the influence YOU may end up having on THEM.

My family is furious with me, especially my parents because they think I'm becoming hard-headed, should I say sorry to them? Or try to approach it differently?

Go to God in prayer and repent, and ask Him to forgive you. Then go to your father and tell him "Dad, I was wrong for the way I acted in the coffee shop. I really want to start over and treat you guys the right way, can you forgive me and we can start over?" I bet he would be floored if you actually did that and this would smooth things over quite well. Remember, Christmas is just around the corner. We all want good times for the holidays, right?

Also keep in mind that one day you are likely to have children, and will expect them to honor and respect you as well. Start now with modeling the behavior you want to see in your future children.

One last thing: since you came here from TRP I have to ask, are you a Christian? Have you been born again?

SkimTheDross · 2018-12-21T19:17:43+00:00

Your parents don’t fitness test you. They’re trying to form you into a responsible and fully-functional adult.

Obeying your parents isn’t “beta”. It’s the right thing to do and it’s biblical.

You don’t have a red pill problem.

You have an entitled, spoiled brat problem.

You were in a coffee shop with your parents. Did they pay for the drinks?

By the looks of your grammar and syntax you typed your post on a mobile device. Did you pay for the device and it’s monthly service?

The threads you’re wearing right now? Mom and dad pay for them?

The meal that’s digesting in your stomach and the dinner you’re looking forward to this evening - who bought the food and prepared it?

You’re getting the drift.

Be grateful for what you have.

Daddy’s trying to instill some manners and responsibly in you before you’re off on your own.

A Red Pilled Christian man wouldn’t need to be told to clean up the trash from in the first place.

He’d see there’s something that needs handled and he gets it done.

weakandsensitive · 2018-12-22T04:33:47+00:00

So you're 17, failed out of school, and don't have basic manners. And on top of these clear failures, you think you're special and entitled because you LARP TRP?

The road ahead of you is going to be awful when you're actually on your own.

OUrocks · 2018-12-21T16:28:08+00:00

I don’t really have a very good answer I’ll leave that to people more wise than I.

I will ask though how old are you and do you have plans to move out for college/ work/ military?

g_e_m_anscombe · 2018-12-22T03:14:45+00:00

I see that you’ve already gotten the “honor your father and mother advice” here. That is generally good advice but it can be bad advice for the child of narcissists. Narcissists are demanding, toxic people and they will use this commandment to justify their mistreatment of you.

I just saw it happen with my in-laws over Christmas. My husband told his mother to “not bother g_e_m_anscombe” because I was on a work call in our bedroom at their house. She threw a hysterical fit and started sobbing because how could she possibly be a “bother” and how could her son be so disrespectful and doesn’t he know he is supposed to honor his mother? Narcissists will warp your sense of what honor, love, and justice mean.

The answer from psychology books is that you can’t change a narcissist. After having watched my husband deal with his parents as we’ve just stayed with them for four weeks, I think they are right that the target of narcissism can’t help. There is too much emotion tied up in the problem for them. I’ve been able to make small progress during my time with them, but my husband’s presence often undermined that progress. I would recommend the book How To Kill a Narcissist. Kindle version- obviously, so your parents don’t come across it randomly.

Ultimately you need to move out. The only way to heal and to learn how to see things differently from their narcissistic regime is to get some space to yourself. Ask around your church. If it’s big enough, there are bound to be roommates. Your parents will want you to live with them, maybe go to a university near by. Don’t listen to them. The farther you are physically away, the easier it will be to break free from their head games. This may sound like avoidance, but it’s not exactly - you don’t have to avoid forever, just long enough to clear your head. Even Jesus went out alone in the wilderness sometimes to pray. He didn’t have toxic parents. You may need longer.

Red pill philosophy overlaps in some ways with coping mechanisms for narcissism. In fact, I’m certain that a lot of RPers are successful because they have narcissistic wives. These are your parents, not your wife. So I wouldn’t use RP strategy on them because you don’t have the tool best designed by God to release the pressure valve in a marriage: sex. Without a pressure relief, you are just going to escalate conflict until you become more and more unhappy.

I suspect one reason that the other folks here have been harsh to you is that they don’t relate well to the children of narcissists. It is perfectly reasonable for your parents to ask you to clean the table. When your parents are narcissists, it is hard to distinguish between reasonable and unreasonable requests. If you suspect something is unreasonable, use your good friends for a reality check. However, you are very likely to react strongly even to reasonable requests because you are so used to having your boundaries repeatedly violated. I watched this happen with my husband. Often his parents were wrong about something, but there were low costs to playing along as though they were right. They would suggest something, he would turn it down, and they would come back win more force. Without thinking, he would react with a strong, loud “no!” Again, it’s the emotion of trying to protect his boundaries that makes it hard to do anything else. It’s not an effective technique to get emotional though.

John Gottman is a marriage counselor who has some great work, that I actually think is generalizable to more interactions. He studied happy marriages and found that happy spouses have five positive interactions to every one negative. I find all of my relationships follow this general rule: a ratio closer to 5:1, the better the relationship they will be. I advised my husband that he should pursue the same goal. His parents will never get less annoying, but if he can learn to pause and react to a mild suggestion of little consequence with “hmmm, thank you for the suggestion. I’ll give it a try. I appreciate how you’re always thinking of me,” he has now turned a negative interaction into a positive one. Try to find moments when you can do that. It will help keep everyone more calm. The clearing the table thing is an example of that: low consequence to you. Ultimately practicing clearing the table will make you into a better adult. So just do it. Save your negativity and strong reactions for the boundaries you really care about and intend to keep.

Finally, one last piece of advice: don’t foolishly believe that all women are like your mother. My husband was in bad relationship after bad relationship. I felt like he had bad taste when he told me how awful his exes were. I wondered why he had picked me, and what that said about me. But God brought us together in a beautiful and profound way, and I’m certain that he intends for me to help bring healing to my husband’s family. After spending more time with his parents, I realize that he picked women who were more like his mother. He thought her behavior was just “how women are.” But that’s not the case. You can do better.

Title	Help with over-controlling parents?
Author	NoKoala4
Upvotes	3
Comments	21
Date	December 21, 2018 4:21 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RPChristians
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RPChristians/comments/a8bjtz/help_with_overcontrolling_parents/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RPChristians/help-with-over-controlling-parents.301548 https://theredarchive.com/post/301548