• Stats: M, 26, 5'9, 9% BF, 150#, 20 consecutive pushups.
  • Reading: About 2/3 of the way through the RPC PDF
  • Finances: No credit card debt, No current job, lots of student debt, 1 year from being a veterinarian.
  • Spiritual: About a year or two ago I realized that, beyond the basics, none of my beliefs were my own. Now I'm trying to start over at the beginning and build a Biblical worldview from the ground up. I haven't made it very far, I still don't feel ready to lead a family spiritually. Half the time when I pray I don't even know what to say.

I don't know how else to say it: It feels like I'm caught in a cycle. I'll decide to work on myself, to be more responsible, mature, fit, confident, etc. and I'll feel pretty good about my progress. Maybe I'll even ask out a girl that I've had my eye on. Of course, she'll say no, but I'll never feel too bad about that. And then one day, when it seems like I'm really starting to get somewhere it will happen; my incompetence will come out in full force. For anywhere from a week to a month, it will seem like I can't do anything right. This downhill slide will continue until I have no pride left and I'm finally forced to accept that I have a long way to go to become the man I want to be, and if somehow I had started a relationship or gotten married before this point I would have failed terribly. And this is where the cycle starts over.

I'm writing this post as I take a break from a car repair that's gone two hours longer than I expected after I bought the wrong size socket set for my ratchet, had to cut a bolt off of the driveshaft after I stripped its head, and installed the new universal joint wrong. Meanwhile, I'm trying to figure out how to get through this next rotation without becoming known as that guy who knows nothing about medicine and makes clients cry.

I could have some pretty good confidence if I had some decent competence, but I have no idea how to get it. The one thing that gives me hope is thinking about how much worse I used to be. Any advice? Has anyone else ever been here?