How do I stop being a nice guy?

RunawayGrain · 2020-05-26T21:02:49+00:00

Realize there is a difference between a 'Nice Guy', as in someone who does nice things in the expectation of a reward, and a nice guy, who is just an upstanding person.

Also realize that being a nice person doesn't mean you have to be a doormat.

I suggest No More Mr. Nice Guy as a read.

infinityplus1 · 2020-05-26T20:34:35+00:00

I would recommend reading a few books, they helped me to find a better balance in being genuinely kind vs too nice (a push-over).

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Wild at Heart

The Rational Male

BLUEDIESEL007 · 2020-05-26T21:43:12+00:00

No more mr.nice christian. It's like no more mr. nice guy but faith based.

Highly reccomend a martial art hobby too.... something about combat that brings you to reality when someone is punching you or choking you in a spar or fight....

agoodcrayon · 2020-05-26T20:57:49+00:00

Nice guys really do finish last.

Personally, I’m transitioning from being a nice guy to just being myself and making moves intentionally.

I say no when I want and say yes when I want. I’m direct in what I’m seeking and don’t try to cover it up with some other “nice” deed- my intentions are clear.

The road so far has been strange. It feels uncomfortable going against the grain of what I’ve been doing the past 20 years. It feels like I’m becoming a “bad” guy. Although, has anything really changed?

People have noticed I’ve changed and have commented on it. Whether it’s good or bad, I don’t really care anymore. I really don’t care what comes out of their mouths or what goes on in their brain. I do what I have to do and what I believe will get me where I want to go and what I want to do. I’m not going to plead anymore or beg someone to join me. I’m just carving my own path.

The only thing that’s changed is my mental point of origin. It has helped my frame and foundation.

I’m sure God doesn’t want my purpose to be delegated by other people nor have my purpose be derailed altogether because I let someone else decide what to do for me.

I feel as if I’m not just riding in someone’s car, I’m driving it. Everyone else that doesn’t agree with the destination or hates road trips can stay home. Imma do what I came here to do.

operationveritas · 2020-05-26T21:32:14+00:00

Good job coming over here as I suggested. Not being a ‘nice guy’ doesn’t mean you need to be a camel’s behind all the time either. As others have said here, its partially about learning to say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ when you want and making intentions clear. Don’t let people walk over you.

Read the sidebar. Lift. Apply.

SkimTheDross · 2020-05-26T20:34:34+00:00

Rule 2 - update your post to include stats

nexipsumae · 2020-05-26T22:42:45+00:00

“Nice” isn’t a personality, mate.

“Nice” is the bare minimum yet still hoping for all the benefits of having not done the bare minimum.

Don’t be that dude, bro.

UpTanks · 2020-05-27T01:41:57+00:00

Others here have suggested books and I agree. I would also like to add: When I Say No I Feel Guilty.

But if you want immediate actionable steps in not being a 'nice guy' anymore, I would highly recommend actually going to a psychologist. I don't often see it being recommended here unless its an extreme case, but if you can afford it and have a good one near you - why not?

The books we're all recommending for you were written by psychologists anyway so it's not like the approach is different - what's different is that it would be tailored for you professionally.

CarelessBowler5 · 2020-05-27T13:08:35+00:00

Stop smiling.

Seriously. When I first started down this path, I suddenly noticed I was smiling a lot in an attempt to make other people feel happy/comfortable. I wasn't smiling as an honest expression of my own emotions but as a means to affect/manipulate other people.

So I stopped. I just didn't smile that much anymore. If I ever felt that people-pleasing anxiety creeping in, I would first check, "Am I smiling again when I really shouldn't be?"

A super simple step, but it helped me get out of that nice-guy, people-pleasing mindset and more in touch with my own frame.

El0vution · 2020-05-26T23:31:57+00:00

Pick up the New Testament. Very often Christ does not appear as a nice guy. The Christ in Matthew frightens me actually. He’s very overbearing. “Do you think I came to bring peace? I came to bring the sword.”

Jinbrah · 2020-05-26T21:47:12+00:00

I think as someone who is similar, considered handsome, and kind, don’t sell yourself short as a “nice guy.”

That’s not what we are. What you have in Christ takes you far beyond what a normal physical being can have and know.

I have never had a problem being friend zoned. It’s not simply because I’m good looking, or a dick to girls.

It’s because I know what I have, and I know how to use it.

You can do the same. Find confidence in God and you stop worrying about these things, because they are trivial compared to eternity. When you know who you are, you start taking these things less seriously.

It gives you an air of “cool and stoic” while maintaining a good heart. It’s so much better to be a genuine person, who has confidence and boundaries than to just be a good looking asshole. People, especially women pick up on the fact that you’re different.

You can’t get that anywhere else except from God. That’s why you’re here.

PrincepsOmni · 2020-05-27T06:50:22+00:00

I've just finished a book called "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert A. Glover.

It's a secular book, so some of what it contains should be taken with a pinch of salt, but the core principles are quite sound. It even talks about how Western men have lost their way due to factors, more men left to be raised by women at home and school, feminism teaching us we are bad, the loss of fathers bonding with their sons, the sexual revolution etc. The church has been feminised as well, which doesn't help Christian men especially.

I'd recommend the book, alongside your regular bible and Christian books.

You don't need to become 'wild' and no one here will advocate jumping into sin or the appearance of sin - but a man should be able to stand his ground, say no sometimes, and let others know what his boundaries are.

I think a lot of Nice Guys confuse tact and manners with never standing up for themselves. I had this issue as a young man because of how I was raised. It can lead to disingenuous behaviour, and even sin. It also causes you to become weaker and less reliable...which means you are actually less able to help others, lead others and live a live of purpose, and effectively steer clear of sin.

Red-Curious · 2020-05-28T04:16:18+00:00

On the spectrum of nice to jerk, most Christians stay far on the nice side because it's more socially acceptable than being a jerk. But both extremes are destructive. The thing is, if you've been on the nice side for too long, you have to live on the jerk side for a while before you can figure out how to find balance - otherwise you're going to end up being slightly less nice, but feeling like a jerk and thinking you're done, while still being pathetic.

So, go be a jerk for a while. You can do that without sinning. Apparently I wrote another post for the sidebar that never got added: 116 - God is a jerk. Maybe it contributes a bit to the conversation.

Thermidor1689 · 2020-05-30T04:27:01+00:00

Lift. Acta, non verba. Tell the chicks to make up their mind. Don't chat with chicks on social media or by phone. Don't waste your time.

You're handsome, you exercise, you're not autistic. There's one thing I didn't hear from you: your mission.

Here's the thing: you have to know what you want, down to the detail. What kind of marriage do you want? Career? Kids? Ministry? You need a mission. Down to the detail. Parenting, sex, retirement, everything.

If you don't have these things down, if you're loosey goosey, "I'll just see what she thinks", you'll always be nice.

Until you figure out what you want your world to look like, and what you have to do to get it, your world will decide for you. Nice guys follow the program. The rest of us make the program.

This comes through prayer and submission to the Lord's will.

You'll need to figure out how to go about communicating that vision while your dating as well.

After that, don't compromise. Don't start the bus after you get married. Start the bus, and see who's coming along for the ride.

SkimTheDross · 2020-05-27T03:26:12+00:00

I feel like you can be a nice guy, but if you never get rewarded (such as a thank you) or if you expect to be rewarded (such as getting gifted a relationship), then you’re moreso better off as someone else

johngalt1234 · 2020-05-27T12:25:15+00:00

Aside from other's suggestions. Read the Gospels to see for yourself what our Lord is like. He isn't a nice guy.

And he acts as an Alpha Male: https://sociological-eye.blogspot.com/2014/04/jesus-in-interaction-micro-sociology-of.html

Behaviorally he is the primal equivalent of the Silverback Gorilla and the Alpha Chimpanzee even as he is much more than that.

Jesus in Game terms doesn't allow himself to get sucked into other people's frame but forces other's into his.

nonfictionfan · 2020-05-27T22:49:58+00:00

No More Christian Nice Guy by Paul Coughlin

ChristianGirl93 · 2020-08-10T23:27:46+00:00

Be yourself. Talk to women. Talk to a lot of women. We will let you know if we like you- then you date. It’s really that simple

lil-sparky · 2020-05-26T21:52:22+00:00

Develop a deeper understanding about the nature of women. Once you do, you realize there is no angle it makes sense from to be the nice guy.

Title	How do I stop being a nice guy?
Author	CrispyBrian
Upvotes	22
Comments	38
Date	May 26, 2020 8:22 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RPChristians
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RPChristians/comments/gr4umr/how_do_i_stop_being_a_nice_guy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RPChristians/how-do-i-stop-being-a-nice-guy.668668 https://theredarchive.com/post/668668