I don't think STFU ever fails in my marriage

Willow-girl · 2019-10-26T04:59:09+00:00

Fights usually revolved around how I had... failed to do something I was supposed to, did something I wasn't supposed to, did the thing wrong, etc, etc. In the past I would DEER.

Maybe, instead of DEERing, you might want to try ... not screwing up in the first place?

Just a thought.

macmeeler · 2019-10-26T05:20:03+00:00

Why aren't you taking care of your duties though? She picked you because she trusted that you were someone that can do what she considers basic stuff. You mentioned that you didn't agree to do them. Why didn't you lovingly tell her when she asks right then and there? Probably because you fear the argument. The second you get defensive is the second you start caring wayyyy tooo much about whether she's got her facts straight and is judging you fairly, it's the same second you lose confidence in your own vision and frame. I don't know anything about your or her but it sounds like you could really learn to have some bloody fun. Petty, enraged arguments are for children and foolish men. Disagreements are for adults but I don't know why you should have to disagree with her, she has the right to expect her husband to be a man. If you do argue, I recommend you do it with plenty of positive energy and humor in the mix so you can maintain a mutual sense of comfort in the conversation instead of delving into what you both know to be resentment and pain.

I replied "Yeah, I didn't do those, I had other priorities", she called those priorities selfish, I just said "true". I would've been so scared to simply own my choices in the past, but it's so freeing to do so.

It's a solid response, but I don't know her and it's obviously pretty curt so maybe she will resent you more for being lazy, unfriendly and uninteresting. Women still want a husband who's gentle to them. They just want him to be a viking too.

Of course, I think when I have really arrived... my wife won't feel the need to try and assign me a task list because she'll be too busy trying to meet my expectations.

Dude, why is this your life? Why don't you receive her task list, self-regulate, get it done like a man, and move on to all the other stuff you care about? You see this situation the same way a child sees it as unfair for his mother to demand him to help with chores. Why don't you take care of everything she asks and more because you're the guy that makes her life amazing. This fixation on RPC principles seems to me more like displaced rationalizations justifying your responsibility avoidance. Bang your head to some Tupac while you mow the lawn with one hand and curl some weights in the other for goodness sake. You're a child.

SteelSharpensSteel · 2019-10-25T19:03:46+00:00

I love me a good STFU.

CarelessBowler5 · 2019-10-25T18:37:56+00:00

When you get the things done and pursue your priorities, you're making progress.

There are some projects around the house that I let languish. When she brought it up (even disrespectfully) my conscience still sang in my ear, "She's right, you know. You futzed around on Reddit instead of fixing that thing."

STFU and fix the thing. Get it done. Give her only 100% confidence that you're the sort of man who gets things done.

Also, your version of STFU is crap. Stop texting so much. If she's baiting you into an argument over text, the most you might say is, "We can address this when I get home."

When I'm home, and my wife is reminded of how muscular and leaderly I am in person, these conversations go much, much differently than they ever did over text.

rocknrollchuck · 2019-10-25T18:34:12+00:00

My big question... should I have even texted her back?

Text is mainly for logistics. But what you did worked, and you also avoided a face to face argument later on. So if it works, that's what matters. This will be different for each person according to the unique details of their spouse and relationship, so it's a YMMV thing. Don't overthink it - if it works, then that's what matters.

I've begun to better Own My Ship^tm

This is awesome, I love it!

Dan_M7 · 2019-10-25T19:10:14+00:00

“Yeah I didn’t do those. I had other priorities”

That’s a really perfect thing you said, man. I’m going to start using that phrase too.

Not doing something is not a failure when more important stuff had to be done, and sometimes people who are quick to criticize forget that.

Keep it up!

lololasaurus · 2019-10-26T05:53:54+00:00

To STFU is human, but to AA/AM is divine.

(Don't feel bad, I'm still working on just being human most of the time 👀)

OGLeonLio · 2019-10-25T20:06:45+00:00

Out of curiosity what is STFU. I must have the wrong interpretation of it.

TreyMagnus · 2019-10-28T18:30:15+00:00

I am new to this site and might be a little confused but IMO, much of this misses the real point. If we are supposed to be approaching marriage as Christians, then the real thing we need to be doing as husbands is teaching our wives the Word of God and much of these types of problems will disappear. I say this from experience.

(Ephesians 5:25-27 ) "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless."

Men, we are to be washing our wives in the water of the word to help remove her spots and blemishes. i.e. Help her in her sanctification process. This is how Jesus loves (His bride) the church. (Philippians 1:6) " For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus."

In this case, you need to explain to your wife that YOU are the head, you are HER head and she is supposed to submit to YOU in every thing, not the other way around. The head makes the decisions and the body submits and follows the instructions given by the head. (Ephesians 5:22-24) "Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

She was created for you. (1 Corinthians 11:8-9) " For man did not come from woman, but woman from man. Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man."

And she is to show you the utmost respect. (Ephesians 5:33b) "... and the wife see that she reverence her husband."

Also explain to her that she is YOUR helper, not the other way around. (Genesis 2:18) Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him."

Explain that the first woman was created FOR Adam to be his companion (not good for man to be alone) and helper (suitable for him). Not the other way around. Instead of putting up with your wife giving you orders, instructions and lists of things to do, tell her that she is free to respectfully ASK for you to do something for her or around the house but what you actually choose to do is up to you and if/when you do it is completely at your discretion. Also make is very clear that from now on, anything that she dictates to you or demands disrespectfully will just be ignored and she should not even bother asking about it and if she does, no response will be given.

If she is a true Christian, someone who actually says she loves Jesus and says that she is following Him, then the Word of God just cannot be ignored. My wife had been in church for decades including Sunday school, church, women bible studies and retreats and I was amazed at the first time I quoted Ephesians 5:24 to her and she looked me right in the eye and said "that's not what it says". Then when I showed it to her in the Bible she got this strange look on her face and said "well that's not what it means". Then I said "Well what does it mean then?" and she got quiet. I showed her Colossians 3:18 and 1 Peter 3:1-6 and she was stunned. It took a while, and some guidance from an older Godly woman in the church but she finally came around and these days I would never get a text like the one you received.

I am all for holding Frame and many of the other things discussed in Red Pill and they can certainly help but there is no substitute for understanding and obeying Gods Word.

As for answering your specific question, I think you did fine with the text answer you gave. It is certainly a step in the right direction and now you need to build upon it by explaining proper Biblical Gender Roles to your wife and then start living them out and encouraging her to do the same. Lovingly call your wife on her sin and call her to repentance. Encourage her by acknowledging when she does good and lovingly call her on her sin when she does not. You can't wash off all of those spots and blemishes at one time but gently, over time, you can can make a lot of progress.

Title	I don't think STFU ever fails in my marriage
Author	cdnrpc
Upvotes	13
Comments	28
Date	October 25, 2019 6:15 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	/r/RPChristians
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RPChristians/i-dont-think-stfu-ever-fails-in-my-marriage.301071 https://theredarchive.com/post/301071
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RPChristians/comments/dn1eu4/i_dont_think_stfu_ever_fails_in_my_marriage/