If the red pill is knowing the truth about intersexual dynamics, it's not enough merely to embrace the truth. We've got to cast off the lies as well. Otherwise we're going to rationalize some compromise between competing principles that were never meant to reconcile. I believe Rollo calls this "killing the blue."

I was reminded to write this post earlier today when my wife became huffy that I didn't get out of the car to pump the gas when she gave me the silent look of expectation. She huffed, "For as much as you try to teach other guys about how to be a man, you're not man enough to pump my gas? That's the man's job." Uh huh. Keep telling yourself that.

Here is a list of blue notions that I've had to overcome in my thinking.


TRUTH

  • Honesty is the foundation of marriage.

Wrong. Honesty is a useful tool, but there's nothing foundational about it. If anything, I'd suggest sex is the foundation of marriage. As is often said among those who aren't having it: "Without sex, we're really just roommates."


ARGUING

  • If an argument comes up, it's the man's job to resolve the conflict and make it right.

Wrong. The man decides what his job is or isn't. If he doesn't want to resolve the conflict, that's his business. Perhaps it's more valuable to him to spend his time doing something else than let his wife victim puke all over him.


MONEY

  • If she handles the money, she calls the shots.

Wrong. This phrase is usually implied in relationships where the wife is the heavier earner or is the one who handles the household finances. Not surprisingly, I find it uncanny how often the woman is in charge of the household finances. I was just chatting about this with a friend the other day. His wife handles all the bills and will constantly tell him what he can/can't spend, but then goes off and breaks her own rules. "We have $200 to get us through the next week" - then she goes and buys $300 in groceries, saying, "We'd need it eventually," and they can't pay one of their utility bills. As for women-workers, money is certainly tied to power, but I have seen many men who are capable of leading from a SAHD position. If she makes more, it is certainly more difficult to earn and maintain her respect, but far from impossible. A woman will do anything for a highly attractive man - including work her butt off to keep him from pressing on her fear of abandonment. While a man's career may affect her attraction toward him, it can be made up through a number of other factors.


EMPATHY

  • Good husbands are always, with their wives, ... empathetic, kind, patient, humble, understanding, etc.

Wrong. These are all tools that are useful in their own place. When a wife characterizes what a "good husband" does she is placing her own moral judgment on his behaviors, often without a solid foundation for that judgment beyond her own preferences or societal norms. This sentiment also leaves off the context associated with the behavior. It presupposes an endorsement of the notion that a man should love a woman for all of her, including her flaws (or at the very least, despite her flaws), not recognizing that sometimes the most loving thing to do is help her overcome her flaws, which often requires casting off some of these more palatable virtues.


HELPER

  • Society expects a lot from women, so husbands should help their wives by carrying part of the load.

Wrong. Society does expect a lot from women. But this is because men aren't taking personal responsibility for the things that need to get done in their own lives, so women step up and take over. The more attractive framework isn't that a woman is burdened with responsibility and needs a man's help, but that a man embraces being responsible and invites his woman to help.


EXPLANATION

  • If she asks, a man owes it to his wife to explain his behaviors so she can understand what he does and why he does it.

Wrong. You owe her nothing. Over-explaining yourself, even on her request, takes away the mystery of who you are. A lack of mystery and intrigue as to the inner-workings of your mind simply makes you predictable and boring.


ROLES

  • It's a husband's job to ... shovel the driveway ... fill the gas tank ... mow the lawn ... etc.

Wrong. A man should set his own framework for what his responsibilities will be in his own home. Appealing to an amorphous standard of gendered stereotypes takes the power and authority from the man and forces him to live in society's frame - a frame that so happens to benefit women more often than men. Always challenge these statements (even if only to yourself) with the negative inquiry: "Why is it the man's job to ... ?" or "Where did the idea come from that it's a man's job to ... ?"


PURSUIT

  • Men should pursue women; husbands should pursue their wives.

Wrong. This is a trope used to compel men to put more work into relationships than women, rationalizing their own selfishness. It's based on gross misconceptions of historical/traditional relationships and a mixing up of the concepts of "initiation" and "pursuing." The orientation of the pursuit in the relationship is a reflection of the power dynamic. The one who pursues the other is the weaker one in more desperate need of what the other has to offer. The one being pursued is the prize. When the man is the prize, his pursuit should be his mission, not his wife, and she should pursue him.


UNCONDITIONAL

  • Marriage requires unconditional love.

Wrong. Marriage is inherently a conditional contract. That's what a covenant is. If love were an emotion, it would be impossible to persist unconditionally. If love is a choice, it would be foolish to employ it without conditions. To take away all conditions on any behavior makes you a slave to that behavior and the one to whom you allegedly owe it.


SACRIFICE

  • It's a man's job to make sacrifices for the good of his wife.

Wrong. It's each person's responsibility to decide what they will and won't do and if the benefit of a particular course of action justifies the cost. This phrase is utilized by women to compel men to ignore common sense in evaluating this dynamic. There are certainly times where a sacrifice will be more beneficial to a man's long-term purposes, but not every time, as is often implied when this statement is used (especially among guys in the church).


SYNERGY

  • Marriage is about synergy and teamwork, and through mutual cooperation they create one greater whole.

Wrong. While there are benefits to having a teammate, you are still two separate people. Losing your sense of individual identity can be extremely dangerous in the long-term, re-enslaving you to the expectations that come with a synergistic mentality, which almost always come from society or her relationship philosophies. There are times when it is effective to do things independently from each other, not as a team. If she feels like you're always harmonious as a team, there's little room for dread.


YIELDING

  • In order to resolve conflict, the husband must yield his position to his wife as an act of service and display of his love.

Wrong. This is a gross misrepresentation of concepts of servant leadership. While a man should certainly own up to his faults, that doesn't mean he should always yield in conflict or let his wife think she's never at fault. Rather, he should tactfully address her faults through displays of attractive behaviors, such as AM, AA, teasing, etc.


PRIORITIES

  • A husband's highest priority should be his wife and kids, not his career, friends, etc.

Wrong. Men can have whatever priorities they want. If she doesn't like it, she can leave. He can account for the value of keeping her around when setting his list of priorities, which he is free to change or rearrange at any time he so chooses.


OMISSION

  • You should never hide anything from your spouse. Omitting the truth is the same as lying.

Wrong. Omitting the truth is everyone's way of life. Compulsory honesty would force the disclosure of incredible quantities of irrelevant information, and nobody does this because it's pointless. Instead, we only disclose when we know it has value. The argument for compulsory honesty is that it is always more valuable for a man to disclose than not. When framed this way, it's much easier to recognize that you can discern this balance for yourself in any given moment to decide what you will and won't say. Now, if there's an actual duty to disclose, that's a different story (I'm an attorney, so this duty comes up a lot). But in a general relational context, that duty almost never exists.


UNCOMPROMISING

  • Marriage is about compromise.

Wrong. Compromise weakens both positions. When a balance needs to be sought, compromise is a valuable tool. However, the situations where compromise is the most effective tool are far fewer than you might imagine.


NEGOTIATION

  • If a man wants sex from his wife, he should give her something to get it.

Wrong. Desire cannot be negotiated. This attitude, at best, leads to duty sex. At worst, it leads to claims of rape when the negotiation is implicit and the sex is undesired. More commonly, it's just a covert contract that doesn't get held up and leads to resentment.


DIFFICULTY

  • It's hard enough being a woman; it would be selfish for a man to add more burdens on his wife than she already puts on herself.

Wrong. This rationale is used to make men feel guilty for asking anything of their wives. In reality, if a husband never asks anything of his wife, she never knows what she does that's of value to him. She can only live on her own self-validation or his feigned attempt at validation that she often sees through. Women require authentic validation from others and cannot have it until they actually know what others expect of them. This is particularly true and potent within marriage.


INFATUATION

  • Love is an emotion that married couples should experience with each other.

Wrong. The word "love" means countless things to various people. The most useful definition I have found is that love is a choice relating to how you will act toward someone else. The most common associated emotion is infatuation. Others include lust, happiness, serenity, etc. Emotions come and go. If emotions were a viable definition of love, a woman could rightly claim to still love her ex while slashing his tires. This is not love.


TALKING

  • Communication is the life-blood of marriage.

Wrong. Attraction is the life-blood of marriage. I've known countless horrible communicators who get on just fine. Why? Because they each find value in the other due to their mutual attraction. I have also known immaculate communicators who end up in divorces. Why? Certainly not for lack of communication, but for lack of attraction. Those who are highly attracted to each other will keep coming back to the same disastrous affair with each other over and over and over again no matter how much it's ruining their lives. Never underestimate the power of attraction as the true life-blood of relationships.


FLAWS

  • A good man will love a woman for all of who she is, including her flaws.

Wrong. If a man claims to care about the good of the woman he is with, he'd do better to help her overcome her flaws rather than enable them.


FIGHT

  • A man must fight to keep his woman - emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

Wrong. A man can do whatever he wants. Failing to fight for a woman doesn't make him less of a man. It simply indicates she wasn't worth the fight. All of those "chase her down at the airport" scenes in chick flicks only make sense if she adds enough value to his life to warrant the gesture - and not merely emotional value, as emotions are fickle, but pragmatic value.


FAN

  • A good husband is his wife's biggest fan.

Wrong. This gets brought up on social media and dating apps all the time. This puts her in the spotlight and you as the one on the sideline cheering her on. Guess whose frame you're in when that happens. Women claim they want to be the center of attention, but when they have it they often find they're unhappy. Why? Because it sucks being married to the side-liner rather than the star. She'll be much happier cheering you on.


I'm sure there are countless more concepts we've told ourselves that could be added to this list, which we'd be better off unlearning - and I'd love to hear them! But, I'm getting tired for the night. So, I'll leave it to you all to share some of the blue pill ideologies you've had to overcome. Consider this a collaborative effort.