Proposal, Engagement and Marriage Traditions

NathanDahlin · 2019-11-07T00:41:14+00:00

Agreed. On the one hand, I don't like kneeling for a proposal because it seems worshipful/reverent and most modern American guys already have a problem with making girls their idol over Christ. But on the other hand, I think most girls' fantasy "dream proposal" involves the guy getting on one knee and pulling out a ring. So the challenge is maintaining frame & perspective while still communicating respect and living up to (or surpassing) her dream as much as you judge to be appropriate.

Another tradition I dislike is the garter-toss. I've only been to one Christian wedding where it was done, and it's just not very seemly. It invites crass thoughts & remarks. Classy wedding dresses cover the legs for a reason.

Johnny-Thunderfrost · 2019-11-06T23:28:28+00:00

I feel the same about proposal. I did it sitting next to her on a bench.

[deleted] · 2019-11-07T02:46:11+00:00

Bachelor and bachelorette parties.

AlanNoles · 2019-11-07T14:36:11+00:00

Getting on one knee is just a cultural thing and only like a 5 second glimpse in time. Yeah if you really look at it it’s “a loss of frame” but like others have said it is what every girl wants and most have been thinking about it since they were 10.

If it’s really that much of a NO for you my wife discussed a different alternative after I already did it that she said would be equally romantic.

She watched some movie and the guy proposed by putting the engagement ring on her finger then sleeping next to her. She woke up with it on and started crying and woke the dude up saying “Yes”

There are other creative ways to do it but the proposal IMO is a “choosing of the woman” and that moment is to make them feel special.

Yeah you might have got down on a knee but you still chose her. It really just depends on how you view it. If you really CANT wrap your head around that then just find another creative way.

Deep_Strength · 2019-11-07T19:04:26+00:00

The simplest solution is don't do what you can't do in good conscience.

There's been many great godly marriages where a husband got down on a knee (they probably see it from the perspective of Jesus washing the disciples' feet or something like that), and there's many godly marriages where that didn't happen too. The opposite is probably true too.

DuffBude · 2019-11-07T08:07:31+00:00

You make a great point. I would rather that we didn't get down on one knee like that. But I would probably still do it again if I went back in time. I think it is more of a cultural custom and expectation at this point. It's kinda like how in some languages, you are supposed to use a formal word when referring to older people. It's a kind of submission, even though they don't have an exact authority over you. But it's a cultural custom, an expectation, that you have to fulfill to successfully function in society.

So, I think it would be worse for the relationship overall if I didn't get down on one knee. I wanted to show that I put effort into the proposal and that I was serious about everything that it entailed.

rocknrollchuck · 2019-11-07T18:24:41+00:00

I wouldn't do anything different necessarily. I agree the "down on one knee" thing is not biblical and is an act of submission - I asked my wife to marry me while sitting next to her on the couch in her condo. In addition:

I wouldn't spend / let her spend a ton of money on a wedding/reception. If she insists, RUN.
I agree the garter thing is not classy at all, I wouldn't do that either.
I also agree that bachelor and bachelorette parties are not classy either in most cases. Not that they can't happen, but they shouldn't be held in the same manner that the world usually does them.
Getting married in Vegas is probably not the best place for Christians to tie the knot, what with it being "Sin City" and all.

g_e_m_anscombe · 2019-11-07T19:49:08+00:00

This is sort of stream of consciousness. I'm sorry, not sure how relevant it will all be to you.

I cheaped out on the photographer and our wedding ended up being the last family gathering we had before my grandfather passed away. Unfortunately the quality of the family photo was poor, and that makes me a little sad. I found it very hard through the wedding planning process to figure out what would be a Christ honoring amount to spend. We do try, as an act of generosity, to always tip vendors well. I felt terribly guilty for how much we spent, so we ended up having a charity registry instead of a normal wedding registry. I wished that I had been better about following up with the charities to get a final tally of how much we raised for them. It was more complicated than I thought it would be.

My husband did get down on one knee. The Catholic church has defined rules regarding genuflection in worship; genuflection with the right knee is reserved for Jesus. A brief history can be found here. My husband took care when he proposed to use his left knee. It is traditionally a sign of respect. If you don't respect your wife, you shouldn't marry her. When I said yes, I also fell to my knees as a sign of respect back to him. If he is my king and I am his queen, why should we not show respect to one another?

He organized an amazing scavenger hunt as part of the proposal. One of the stops on the scavenger hunt was at the side chapel of his church. I was nervous as we drove up; there were a lot of other cars entering the parking lot and I was afraid the proposal might be more public than I hoped. As we got out of the car, I realized everyone else there was wearing black. A funeral was about to begin! We entered as surreptitiously as possible to go pray in the side chapel - thank God we weren't running 10 minutes later or it would have been unfathomably awkward! I am very glad that we went to the church. As we prayed in the chapel, God told me very clearly that I should say yes and he gave me a reason why. I treasure that moment and will always treasure it. When I find marriage hard, I come back to that moment and remind myself why God wanted me to marry. I think my husband might say he would check the church bulletin in his do-over, but I think it was probably better the way it worked out! The proposal ended up being very him - cute, thoughtful, a bit ham-fisted and hilarious.

I'm a bit afraid to say how much we spent on our wedding here. My husband's family is Indian so there was the expectation of a large, expensive wedding. We spent less than the average, close to the median for our area, which felt overwhelmingly pricey to me. We had a small wedding by Indian standards, large by white ones. There was some conflict over who was paying for what; I learned recently that my husband felt a little "taken advantage of" because he wanted my family to contribute more. (They were covering the bar tab, which ended up being far less than we were originally quoted.) I wish he had been clearer about that then so that we could found a more workable compromise; learning about it 3 years later means it's too late to really repair it. There was a lot of angst about what type of drinks to have - we ended up with unlimited beer, wine, and one specialty drink on theme. We basically put the bar away from the dance floor in a separate room. There was a bit of line at the start, but it ended up nudging people toward drinking less. We were glad that we were able to balance hospitality without encouraging over-indulgence. My parents commented afterward that they were impressed with how well it worked to avoid the family getting drunk. (Okay, maybe they were impressed with how low the bar tab was!) One religious uncle suggested we should have no bar at all, because we would be responsible for encouraging the sins of our guests. Jesus didn't seem so concerned with that when he turned water into wine? We preferred to use subtle nudges to accomplish a similar end without coming across as judgmental.

The most important thing that I was terribly proud of was a booklet I made for our wedding. I had not yet converted to Catholicism, and I found participating in Catholic liturgies very challenging. Most of our attendees were not religious. So I ended up making a booklet that detailed every part of the ceremony, when to stand, sit, kneel, etc. It included all of the Scripture readings and hymns, and explanations of what they meant. It had some of our favorite works of art. I even flexed on my husband's feminist cousins by including, next to Ephesians 5, an explanation to the question "Was St. Paul a misogynist?" Afterward, my husband's family friends all commended us on this book despite being of another Indian religion. One lapsed Catholic said the ceremony helped remind her of what she loved about her faith and made her want to start getting involved again. That was my dream for our wedding, for it to be glorious and God-fearing in such a way that we could be a light to those we love.

On an Indian note, we did have a day where we did henna. Henna can involve drawings of Hindu gods/goddesses, but I opted for a simple secular design with animals. I would also take more of a lead in organizing the Indian dance party the night before the wedding. My father-in-law was very insistent on managing it, but the food was a total mess. We ended up paying for the band which helped us ensure that they only played secular songs and not any songs to gods or goddesses. One aunt snuck in a banner at the entrance with a Ganesh on it (along with our initials), but the venue where we were actually dancing was free from any religious imagery. So I felt like we were 98% successful at avoiding any semblance of idolatry. Anyone in the know about such matters would have realized it was a VERY secular affair by Indian standards; it was the white Christians who aren't familiar who were most upset (read: religious uncle) because they googled it and what they read said it was a dance to worship other gods. I found this out later from my parents; I wish he had just talked to me so that I could explain that we were doing the dance part VERY untraditionally by Indian standards for the sake of avoiding idolatry. We had a huge fight with my father in law about it, but my husband and I were of one mind through it, which was a blessing. I tried to be supportive of my husband through the conflict while letting him take the lead in the conversation with his father. One thing that happens is that they both tend to get very angry and withdraw; I support my husband (then fiancé) by diffusing tension and helping him remain calm/collected. We have a lot more cultural differences than average. Most Indian Christians trace their faith to the time of St. Thomas so their families are also Christian; my husband is a convert (as am I) so it was very different. I don't think we could have navigated it much better than we did, to be honest.

DoersOfTheWord · 2019-11-09T00:24:47+00:00

Nothing. I proposed on one knee during intermission of our favorite musical.

You’re overthinking this. If it bothers you, weave some “leading her in Christ“ talk I to the proposal.

Remember that Jesus literally washed his disciples feet. It’s appropriate.

Title	Proposal, Engagement and Marriage Traditions
Author	ChadDownUnder
Upvotes	11
Comments	11
Date	November 6, 2019 11:23 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RPChristians
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RPChristians/comments/dsoju5/proposal_engagement_and_marriage_traditions/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RPChristians/proposal-engagement-and-marriage-traditions.301060 https://theredarchive.com/post/301060