Screening for a Wife: Methods (Part II)
Disclaimer: AWALT remains true. There is no 100% effective way to screen for undesirable female behavior. All women come equipped with both hamster and wheel. That said, the following post provides a framework to help screen out candidates who are most likely to be disloyal or otherwise unsuitable for marriage.
In the previous post we looked at the two foundational elements that need to be in place before you are able to effectively screen for a wife; worldview (mission) and abundance. This second part post assumes you understand and are actively developing a robust worldview and are cultivating abundance. Once you've established options, the question we are seeking to answer is: how do I screen for the best viable option?
How to screen well
Before determining what to screen for, we need to discuss how to screen effectively. Effective screening requires collecting and analyzing relevant information about a potential candidate for a wife. You want this information to be as free from bias as possible. In the last post we covered how to protect yourself from your own bias (i.e., Oneitis) through abundance. Now we need to employ effective strategies for combating her biasing the information (i.e., pretending to be what she thinks you want her to be). There is no way to get 100% unbiased information, but with a thoughtful approach one can reduce the degree of bias considerably and garner enough reasonably objective information to make positive decisions.
The following is a list of considerations and techniques of gaining unbiased information to add to your tool belt. These skills, though fairly obvious and seemingly basic, can allow you to get a highly perceptive "read" on people. These skills extend beyond the Sexual Market Place and can give you an edge in the workplace, during interviews, and many other areas of life. In my career I have done hundreds (if not thousands) of interviews, and in another role I did some minor criminal interrogation. I used (and still use) these techniques frequently and can attest to their effectiveness. There are many more that could be added, these are simply ones that I have used to great effect; use what works, shelf the rest. Each item could be a post itself, so bare with the shotgun drive by. If you have questions, ask in a comment.
1) Try not to let on to your own beliefs. The less she knows about your own convictions, the less she can bias her answers in a way that she believes you will agree with. If a girl knows you are against abortion and says she is too, you cannot know if she is genuine or seeking your approval. On the other hand, if you've never indicated your stance and she says she opposes child murder, that is a much more reliable piece of data.
2) Don't interview her. Not only is it not sexy, but if she is interested in you and feels like you are interviewing her for the position of Wife / Sex Kitten, she will answer in ways that she thinks will please you. You don't want this. Don't rapid fire questions, space them out over time. Serious questions should be rare and on topic. Remember what she answers.
3) Ask her the same questions again later. By asking the questions again in a different setting and at a different time you can check for patterns of consistency. If she said she wanted a big family when you asked her around your friends, but then wants few kids, if any, around her friends, that is a Rosie O'Donald sized red flag.
4)Watch what she does more than what she says. This should be obvious, but actions speak louder than words. Words are cheap. If her actions do not line up with what she says, make a mental note of this as it can be a major data point. Sure, women often say one thing ("I like nerdy sweet guys") and then do another (Hooks up with bodybuilder Chad), there are degrees of inconsistency. If she says she is not a night person, but stays up super late to hang out with you, this is could be a positive inconsistency where she is adopting your frame. On the other hand, if she says she doesn't like it when guys objectify her but she constantly wears super sexy outfits that leave little to the imagination, this can be a red flag.
5) Make sure your questions are organic. If you are having a conversation about favorite foods, and you throw out a question about her political leanings, you will raise her suspicions that she is being interviewed. Also, who does that? Don't be a sperg.
6) Hang out with her when she is inebriated. This obviously depends on your theological convictions, but a little liquor can loosen the tongue and lower inhibitions to the point where she may be more honest than she otherwise would be. This is often best done in a group setting or in public to prevent obvious sexual overtones. I've heard women admit amazing things after a couple drinks. If the woman you are screening becomes a completely different person when inebriated, you should be cautious. Sometimes people loosen up in a positive way, other times they may shock you with their "real" uninhibited self.
7) Be less interested in what she believes, and more interested in why she believes it. While women tend to be emotionally driven in their beliefs, logic, to varying degrees, still plays a significant role. The more logical a woman is, the easier her erroneous beliefs can be changed.
8) Look for consistency in her "belief network". If she believes animal cruelty is wrong, but abortion is okay, she isn't thinking coherently.
9) Ask presumptive questions. Don't ask, "Have you ever lied to someone you love?" but "What is the biggest lie you've told and got away with?" Don't ask, "Do you enjoy physical touch?" but "Where is your favorite place to be touched?" etc.
10) Ask crazy / silly questions. Keep it light, but pay attention. When she asks you in turn, answer in a silly way. "What would you outlaw if you were emperor of the world?" You: "Skinny Jeans!"
11) Try to change her mind about something unimportant. Is she teachable? If she can't be persuaded that The Foo Fighters is super over-rated and is actually a terrible band, can you expect to convince her of anything substantial?
What to screen for
Now equipped with the screening tools above, we can turn to the question of what qualities to be screening for. This list could go on forever, but here are some of the big ones that are both high scope in importance and readily ascertained.
Low N Count This should go without saying, but women who aren't accustomed to riding the CC and engaging in promiscuous behavior are less likely to engage in such behavior in the future.
Teachability/Openmindedness In our day, perhaps more than ever, good wives are made, not found. You want to find a woman who is flexible enough to adopt your frame without too much difficulty or protest, but isn't immature and "tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes." (Eph 4:14).
Responsiveness to dread A woman who sees you as the prize from the get go and fears losing you will be much happier in marriage. Dread is a tool and the more responsive she is to it, the less of it you may need to employ. That said, overly jealous behavior is just plain annoying, so there can be too much of a good thing with this one.
Genuine Faith(tm) Duh. This is r/RPChristians after all. There are many ways to screen for this, but you can't know the genuine article if you don't have a good understanding of your own faith, so start there. Keep in mind that many women have Genuine Faith(tm) but may be less articulate in explaining doctrine. That's usually okay, but if they resist theological teaching be very wary.
Political agreeableness Leftism is evil. 'Nuff said.
Family oriented She doesn't need a desire to compete with Octomom, but she should like kids and want her own. Better yet is if she has a history of babysitting, being a nanny, or caring for younger kids. If she doesn't want kids or hates the idea of being a parent, next her.
Too numerous to list seriously, you'll know them if you see them. If you are unsure, post about it here and get outside perspective. If you have to ask, it's a good sign it's a serious red flag.
Finally, one quick rule of thumb when screening for a wife is this: "If it's not a 'Hell yeah!' then it's a no."
Happy hunting, may the Lord be with you.