Steve and Susan

"You're just like your father!" Susan shouted at Steve. She knew how to push his buttons, and that particular one stung the most. Steve let out a flurry of cuss words, mumbling promises to himself under his breath between outbursts. He raised a hand to her and she dared him to do it. He knew better. It was 3 in the morning before he came home that night. She tried to apologize, but he was back to his cold, dead self. The excitement only lasted a little while. At least she knew how to get him back to a place where he makes her feel something. It's so much easier now that they have to share parental rights of their child.

Susan couldn't love a robot, but the fighting humanized Steve - and having solidified their status as cojoined opposing forces in legal documentation, she continues to enjoy the histrionics she came to remember as the only thing from her marriage that was worth talking about with her girl friends. In fact, it helped her find a new man who was only too eager to play the hero. She felt something with him ... as long as her ex continued to make her feel like the damsel in distress. Otherwise she was just as bored with segundo macho. Steve hasn't found another input-giver to take coding from yet.


Polarization

Polarization has value. But jumping from one off-putting characteristic to another is not being polar. It's closer to being bipolar. Valuable polarization comes when one crowd identifies with you and another despises you. It lets you know quickly where you stand, and builds a powerful bond of camaraderie with those on your end of the line. It also creates a strong emotional reaction with those on the other side that can, in many cases (though not all), result in an "opposites attract" path opening up.

Jesus was polarizing. He did it the right way. He had a drove of followers who adored him. He also had a committed band of opponents with influence and authority who wanted to kill him. He knew where he stood between each crowd and he played it to his own advantage unto his death, resurrection, and glorification.

Steve was not polarizing with his wife. He was agonizing. But there were two more things he also was not:

Equable

Equability is when a man is able to remain calm and centered in the midst of troubles that come his way. As the Bible says, he is "not easily angered" and "keeps no record of wrongs." He is a static force. He is a rock in the midst of the stormy seas - a rock that some people despise and others love, but a rock nonetheless.

Jesus was equable. He could be driven to great anger and even insults, as we all know. But he was not easily angered. It took a lot to get him riled up, and even when he was, it was always for a purpose. It was rational anger.

Steve was not equable. Equability is a virtue that is not expressed in any one moment, but as a broader character trait that can only be understood with observation through a multitude of scenarios of varying intensity. At times Steve was shallow and robotic, but it wasn't hard for Susan to rile him up. It wouldn't be proper to say he was "equable in his calmer moments" and then simply "stopped being equable" when he became angry any more than I could say that "Bob is an honest man, except when he tells lies."

Rational

I don't believe Rollo titled his books simply because the name sounded cool. He understood that rational thought is a shockingly rare commodity these days. People are beholden to their emotions as the foundation for their decisions. The dominance of feelings over rational thought is apparent not only in intersexual relationships, but also in politics, our educational system, the business/marketplace, and even the judiciary - the one bastion of logic and argument that should have held out. The church is no exception.

It is not sufficient that a man has the capability to express rational thought. He must BE a rational male.

Rationality is not a factor of intelligence or mere logical clarity. A man is irrational when his behaviors don't align with what he knows to be the proper course of conduct. When a man discovers the red pill and intellectually grasps that ONEitis is destroying him, yet he continues to cede to the contrary impulses at work in him, he is irrational. Rationality is not only about how well you can comprehend your own circumstances, but also how you translate that into behaviors that dominate over your emotional predispositions.

Jesus was rational. He not only knew the face value of his circumstances, but also the motivations of the people who presented them, and had thought out insightful solutions in response. He also acted on these solutions in a manner that consistently led him to his ultimate goal to be crucified so as to save us all.

Steve was not rational. Even if he knew why Susan was pushing his buttons, he didn't behave in a manner that was grounded on any real solution. He never bothered to rationalize his circumstances or assess solutions to his problems. He is still unhappy to this day, last I knew him.


Jeff and Jane

Jeff was a character. He was funny, even especially when he didn't know it. Not everyone got his type of humor, so there was a degree of polarization too. You had to appreciate the macabre to get him. Jane didn't. She romanticized men like Steve because of the high paying job, well-groomed haircut, and flashy clothes. Steve knew how to attract a woman, but not how to keep her interested. Jeff was the opposite. It took a man like Steve in his life to play "wingman" before Jane gave him the time of day. After the first introduction was made, Jane was reassured by Jeff's unending fun with life, even when pessimistic. He once was genuinely worried he would be fired from his job, but teased Jane endlessly about the "poor, homeless schmuck she'd soon be dating." Whether she believed there was any real risk or not, it was obvious that even when times were bad he knew how to make her laugh and enjoy what life brought their way. He was never fired.

Jeff and Jane are engaged. I don't know if marriage will change Jeff as it does for so many. But I do know that Jeff, at least for now, is equable. His demeanor is entertainingly consistent (and I include that modifier by necessity, not merely for emphasis), despite that the things he has experienced would trouble the average Steve into a cold depression or an angry storm. He is also rational. He understands that his behaviors have consequences and affect his relationship and sexuality, and he allows that cognizance to be the primary contributor (over emotional impulsivity) toward the resolve he has in maintaining his affable nature.


Patrick and Sally

It's not quite fair to compare Steve and Susan with Jeff and Jane because Jeff and Jane are still "young and in love." It's easy to overlook a lot and stay positive when you're still in your mid-20s, broadly untainted by the burden of responsibility, and new in a relationship with lots yet to explore about each other. Patrick and Sally have been through all that. Patrick and Sally are who I imagine Jeff and Jane will become someday, if they don't lose what they have going for them right now. I've seen Steves and Susans in the dating phases of life too, and it's never pretty when solemnized.

Patrick and Sally have not only learned to enjoy each other without regard for their circumstances, but they have also learned to balance that with the weight of the responsibilities God has given them in life - responsibilities not only to their own family, but to a much bigger purpose that they could not manufacture for themselves. It took this purpose to help them work past their low points before Patrick could lead Sally into a healthy bond that remains today.

Patrick is the head of a local student ministry where Christians are not welcome. He and Sally are constantly struggling between a family of believers who love them and a secular institution that has engaged in legal proceedings on at least two occasions to kick them out. It makes life interesting, if not worrisome. He is a polarizing person on his campus, and not shy to engage in conversation with those he knows oppose him. You have to be that way in ministry. His theme verse for his family is both equable and rational: "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want: ..." He humorously leaves off the far more popular concluding verse in an effort to draw on others' curiosity while simultaneously emphasizing the context that is so often forgotten.

Patrick is a man I want to be like in many ways.