Here on r/RPChristians, while we welcome both men and women to post and comment, we are still mostly geared towards men because that’s how secular RP forums are structured and that’s where our practical knowledge base originates. There is almost no info out there, however, for giving good advice to a wife who wants her husband to change. Let's face it, there are many women out there with husbands who are lazy schlubs.

Now we’re not talking about a man who is just falling short in a few areas. We're talking about husbands who:

• Are fat and out of shape

• Have not taken leadership in the area of family finances

• Have their family living in one of their parents’ houses because they can’t afford to move out on their own

• Are making minimum effort to improve their financial situation or are content with a bad situation

• Have undisciplined kids, and basically leave direction and discipline to their wives

• Come home and play video games for hours on end

• Are addicted to drugs and alcohol

• Are emotionally immature and yell and get into fights when the wife attempts to confront them

• Retreat into their own little world and don’t help with anything around the house

• Don’t spend time with their families

These wives would love for their husbands to step up and lead the family, get in shape, lead in the bedroom and take the helm of his family’s spiritual life, but he refuses to do so. The only info I’ve seen, other than the RPWives sub (which I have spent almost no time on), is a few comments by u/jacktenofhearts addressing this. All of them basically involve the wife issuing a direct ultimatum that he either change, or they’re done and she’s getting a divorce. Moving out to give him time to think and realize the gravity of the situation is also part of this strategy. Obviously, while this may work, this is anything but Christ-like.

But on the other side of the advice spectrum, the usual Christian advice to wives is something similar to this:

You must go to God and tell Him that you are choosing to forgive your husband and start over. Give it to God. You won’t feel like forgiving him, and once you extend forgiveness you will still have the emotional pain. So tell Him “Lord, I am choosing right now to forgive my husband for all the hurt and pain he has caused me, and I’m starting over fresh today. I give it to You, and I know I don’t FEEL like I’ve forgiven him. Please help me deal with the emotional part of it by changing my heart and taking away the hurt and pain so I can feel love for my husband again.” God is faithful – HE WILL DO IT if you ask.

Then, start supporting your husband daily in a positive way, with words of affirmation and a kind, gentle spirit. Ask God to help you love your husband again, and take every opportunity to encourage him in what he does. Stop questioning his decisions and just go with whatever he decides. To be clear, there will be things he will do that you won’t agree with. DON’T SAY ANYTHING. Just give it to God and let Him deal with your husband. You see, God won’t deal directly with your husband if you’re constantly standing in the way. So step aside and see what God does. Resist the urge to say anything negative at all. Resist the urge to give direction to your husband.

Remember 1 Peter 3:1-4 at all times:

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.

You’re not responsible for your family’s success – ultimately, that responsibility lies with your husband, and God WILL hold him accountable for its success or failure. Be “the wind beneath his wings” and speak those words of faith and affirmation. Tell your husband you believe in him, even (especially) when you don’t. Faith means you must believe it BEFORE you will see it. So have faith in God, and have faith in God’s plan for your husband. God can do what you cannot. Let Him.

Above all, don’t go to your husband and tell him any of this. Go to God and tell Him whatever you need to. Just begin to change without saying anything. Believe me when I say your husband may not appear to notice, but he will. And above all, work on yourself and be in prayer constantly for God to change your situation.

Now this is good, godly advice. But it also leaves the woman thinking “Wait, I thought RP was all about taking control of your life and making changes. But you’re basically telling ME (a woman) that all I can do is pray, work on myself and wait on God? Isn’t there ANYTHING I can actively do in the meantime?

So I’m posting this to ask for your suggestions: what can a wife do if her husband is not measuring up, other than pray, work on herself and wait on God? What advice would you give her in general –

  • Proper mindset? What verses would you recommend to women in these types of situations? What do you wish your wife was praying for you?

  • Since the Bible speaks of women winning their husbands over through silent behavior, when and how do you want your wife to speak up? How can she present opinions and concerns in a way that makes you more receptive?

  • a) How should she handle her career and that dynamic, especially if she’s somewhat successful compared to him? How should she respond if she senses that her husband resents her?

  • b) How can she have faith in a husband who isn’t measuring up? We say that you have to believe it before you see it, but what does this look like in this kind of a difficult situation? How can she show faith in him when she is struggling to have faith in him?

  • For men who are depressed or feeling inadequate, etc.

  • a) How can a wife encourage him to seek needed help? Do you recommend counseling as a good option? Why or why not? And if you say yes to counseling, should that be handled by someone in the church, or is a professional counselor the way to go? Can personal therapy for her be helpful, or do you think it is harmful? Why or why not?

  • b) How can she get past the resentment and hurt and start to undo the emotional damage? How can she show she supports him when she has valid concerns about decisions he has made/is making?

  • What if he’s verbally abusive, stubborn, or otherwise difficult to live with? How can she continue to encourage and uplift him when she is hurt by his conduct?

  • How can she influence him to give her attention in the way she needs it? How can she present her needs in a way that doesn’t make him defensive?

In addition:

• Are there posts or comments that you think would be helpful?

• Are there other things to be considered here that have not been mentioned?

• Are there other questions here that need to be asked?

Thank you.