Why do I still hold appearance so highly in my partner consideration?

TheChristianAlpha · 2020-10-04T16:51:05+00:00

If you don't want to be wrapped up with appearance your best option is to probably poke your eyes out or chop your nuts off. That said, if this isn't an option for you then you just need to recognize that this is the way God hardwired us and then get out of your head. You're thinking about it too much.

Here's some scripture to think on. But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7, ESV)

God is speaking to Samuel about choosing David for King. Regardless of this, God tells us in this scripture that mankind looks at appearance. This isn't a bad thing. But if you go solely based off of looks AKA you find a hot babe and she has no depth to her and doesn't believe in Jesus, you would be making an idol of looks so to speak.

This is how I think about it that has been helpful for me. If I see a girl that is cute, not hot, but in my mind bangable (if I was into hooking up) I will be friendly to her and maybe her personality will make her more attractive in my eyes. Whether I find a girl cute with an attractive personality or I find a hot girl with attractive personality, I will chat with both of them and see if they're interesting enough for me to initiate more interactions. Regardless of Personality, they must be physically attractive to me. But I don't think about it a ton and that's what I'd recommend to you.

Laughorcryliveordie · 2020-10-04T19:23:09+00:00

Because you want to be attracted to your spouse!

DeChef2 · 2020-10-04T18:56:17+00:00

You haven't read the sidebar. Read it.

I know how dangerous this [caring about a girl's appearance] is

And you're still blue-pilled.

God made you to be attracted to hot girls; who are you to reject the person God made you to be?

It is interesting to note that Paul only recommended people to get married if they couldn't keep themselves from banging. Weird, right? Not once you understand his reasoning. If you have the self control to control yourself with beautiful women, then you should live the single life and use the extra time to serve the Lord wholeheartedly.

For Paul, life is all about serving the Lord (something we all can aspire to). Notice how your thinking switches. Before, you considered being attracted to and dating hot girls as basically a sin, now you realize that is the only situation in which you should ever date someone.

It's going to take you some time to wrap your head around this new concept and way of thinking as you learn that your old framework is faulty. Give yourself time as you read the sidebar here. You'll also want the read the sidebar from r/TheRedPill, though be aware that at times they will advocate for sin.

Rock_Granite · 2020-10-04T23:05:50+00:00

If you marry a woman who is not attractive in your eyes your marriage will never go the distance. 50-60 years is a long time to be married to someone. She better be good looking or you will never go the distance. Quit listening to the feminists who say that being attracted to good looking people is somehow shallow. It's not. It's how we were designed by our maker.

infinityplus1 · 2020-10-04T15:56:01+00:00

Why is wanting to be physically attracted to your spouse dangerous?

Personally I think that mentality is pretty foolish. It is one of the things to consider, physical attraction. It shouldn’t be the only thing of course. But thinking that wanting to be physically attracted as being “dangerous”, just wow where do you get that from?

Viridian_Shark · 2020-10-05T03:15:26+00:00

It’s completely normal to want to be physically attracted to your mate. Don’t try to “be a better person” by ignoring this fundamental truth. It’s a battle you will lose.

My first wife was an amazing woman. She was kind and gentle, thoughtful and creative. Her job was working with children to give them a better life. I still have an immense amount of respect for her as a person.

She was also close to 100 pounds overweight. It was never going to change.

And I was miserable. I didn’t like being seen with her in public. I hated having to be seen with her at work parties so everyone could pity me for being the guy stuck with the fat wife. I beat myself up about my own impulses and told myself I should be able to be content with her inner beauty and not so concerned with her outer beauty. After all, looks are fleeting anyway, right?

But I still felt terrible. And now I was convincing myself that I was somehow a horrible shallow person for not being able to get over it. I spun off into a deep depression.

That marriage didn’t survive. It never should have happened in the first place. It only did because I wasn’t being honest with myself. Society and feminism pushes all this stuff down our throats about inner beauty and looks shouldn’t matter, but the whole time I was trying to swallow that blue pill over and over I was just a completely miserable person. And ultimately, sadly, because I wasn’t wise enough and strong enough to know myself, I allowed a relationship to happen when I never should have, I married a woman I never should have, and ultimately I had to hurt her by divorcing her. And I truly regret that, I regret not being a person who was conscience of myself enough to realize what was a wrong decision for me. And I really regret that I had to bring pain to a good woman when we ultimately separated.

But the only alternative was to be a miserable person for the rest of my life.

Know thyself. If looks matter to you - and they do to most people - then don’t try to pretend it’s different or beat yourself up over it. Embrace it. Embrace who you are and be honest about that with yourself and with the world. Anything else is a lie.

Willow-girl · 2020-10-05T12:51:01+00:00

There is nothing wrong with vetting for looks FIRST. But if a woman clears that bar, you also need to vet for character. Too many people skip that step, to their subsequent regret ...

Zemirot · 2020-10-05T02:16:10+00:00

For me its that I was still thinking about who I wanted to have sex with and not who I wanted to raise a baby with

Bruh-Nanaz · 2020-10-08T19:37:17+00:00

I will offer insight from my own struggle with this. Take if its relevant and resonates, otherwise let it simply be something worth considering.

You are probably subconsciously hyper-fixated on appearance, and it is a dominating force in your mate-selection.

This may be because you are not quite secure with your own self or appearance and attracting hot women may be a source of validation that you are also attractive. The hotter, the more validating when they approve of you. Women naturally make men self-conscious (and vice-versa!!) and this is a good thing. It challenges both sexes to put forward their best and if you're lacking, it will show!

In regards to this challenge you will want to both authentically KNOW yourself (who you REALLY are, and what you REALLY want, not the cultural/societal conditioning you've been fed) and MASTER yourself. Become EXCELLENT at what you do, whilst being humble in your failures and confident that you can handle them. Confidence is not about getting it all perfect, but knowing you're just as respectable and worthy in spite of falling short. ie DIGNITY.

Another thing to remember is that you're looking for a PARTNER, not a replacement MOTHER. You must learn to be SELF-APPROVING and value your own inner monologue. Mothers don't expect excellence from their babies. Like, at ALL. And why should they? They're BABIES. But partners DO expect excellence, as that's what makes a person attractive, regardless of gender. Think hard on this point.

Mothers don't need to find their children 'desirable'. Remember that saying? "He's got the kind of face only a mother could love." Mama's boys run around at the mercy of women's words, because that is the only way they know how to find value in themselves. Our fatherless generation is more and more rife with this repulsive behavior. Fathers are the ones most responsible for introducing risk and skill into a child's life, and challenging them to overcome obstacles. They instill confidence and a strong identity. You must embrace this for yourself.

Behaving around women like THEY are the authority or validation in your life shows them YOU are not capable of being the authority yourself and are still a BABY. That's why they SHIT test. To see if you do this. Women crave a MAN with SELF/SOCIAL value who leads and takes charge in their relationship, and tells them what to do. Women want their partners to be dominant, and to SUBMIT to that dominance (female porn habits are CLEAR indications of this) but, they must find their partner suitable and desirable for submitting to. If they don't internally RESPECT or VALUE the man why would they ever do what he wants?

Think of it this way -

Is a child in charge of his mother? No. "Honor thy mother."

Is a husband in charge of his wife? YES. "I will make a HELPER, suitable for him"

A few ways to manifest this are:

Dress in a way that makes YOU feel good. Get your hair the way YOU like.
Take care of your health & fitness as a MAJOR priority.
Do things that make you worthy of respect and appreciation from YOU, all whilst having a solid point of reference to check in with (Jesus maybe?). YOU must respect and value YOURSELF.

The other reason you struggle with appearance is that you may be stuck in an objectifying mindset when it comes to women. We men, particularly those of the younger generation like you (though I'm barely 10 years your senior), are CONSTANTLY BOMBARDED with images/implicit messages that condition us to consider a woman's appearance the singularly most important aspect of her attractiveness.

Contrast this with the messages they simultaneously OVERTLY SHAME us with, which are to respect a woman for her accomplishments and completely ignore her outer attributes (read: LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM AND IGNORE HOW I ACT/HOW I LOOK). Society has hyperbolized both of these totally reasonable mate-selection criteria, to the point where it is agonizing.

So what you're probably experiencing is this conditioned dissonance between what your body/flesh are telling you is good and what your mind/spirit are pushing you to prioritize.

Ultimately I believe we must restore the balance between the two, as there is indeed need for both attraction to your mate's face/body as per your OWN subjective tastes (not society's), AND for her to have a desirable/compatible personality and set of habits.

Break your conditioning that correlates a woman's HOTNESS 1:1 with her desirability, as they are almost NEVER the same. It's not about choosing to go for an uggo with a great personality or ignoring their looks completely either, because that is also wrong. NOBODY wants to be "settled for" and that is as much abased and insulting as it is self-righteous.

When you put the person's humanity back into their body, instead of abstracting it from their physical attractiveness with your eyes, they take on a new appearance within your subjective interpersonal experience of them. Hot girls frequently become ugly, "ugly" girls can become desirable.. This is true of men, too. It's ALWAYS about how the inside colors the outside. If you can only operate in the visual aspect of interacting with a person you will be stuck in your abstraction and never see anyone for who they truly are, or appreciate them appropriately.

Honestly I'd stay away from any woman who you find particularly gorgeous until you can EASILY look past that and have restored attraction-parameter normalcy to yourself. When you actually DO see them for WHO they are, while feeling completely confident acting yourself around them, you will see the most authentic behavior come out. You will also be able to more clearly see all the bull they pull and try to get away with.

Anyway just some thoughts, hope that helps.

OlderSon777 · 2020-10-04T16:48:43+00:00

There is either do or do not. Don't want to be focused only on looks? Then do it. Just do it.

"easier said than done"

Yes, it's hard to just do things. Practice makes perfect.

But anyway here's the tip. Train your focus. Get a mission. Read the sidebar.

RedPillGlasses · 2020-10-04T18:21:22+00:00

Stop watching repeat seasons of The Bacehlor and maybe you’ll have normal dreams.

Title	Why do I still hold appearance so highly in my partner consideration?
Author	dazann1
Upvotes	23
Comments	27
Date	October 4, 2020 3:51 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RPChristians
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RPChristians/comments/j5146w/why_do_i_still_hold_appearance_so_highly_in_my/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RPChristians/why-do-i-still-hold-appearance-so-highly-in-my.316988 https://theredarchive.com/post/316988