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Divorce and Custody

February 22, 2017

I'm hoping to get some insight from the parents here who are going through, or have divorced a spouse with children involved.

A little background. Two children, 7M and 8F. For the most part the divorce has gone just about as well as divorces can go. Custody is split 50/50, and financially we are both ok. I'd like to think a lot of this is due to the red pill, holding frame, taking a beating when required and holding frame to make sure I get the outcome that is best for me, and my kids.

My ex-spouse can be quite combative as I was the one who ended the relationship, and cheated. Not my best decision, as I should have ended it first. So her hate for me is understandable. Though she has maintained this only towards me without getting our children involved.

I'm just looking for general advice moving forward to maintain parenting. Talks about the children seem to develove into what a cheating scum bag I am, and are mostly through text. Disagreements seem to pop up about activities for example that were never an issue before the split, but now she has new ideas on how to raise the kids. I'm just looking for some experience from other members, about holding frame, when and if to go nuclear, and there general experiences co parenting.

Handling shit tests, which is what I'm getting, are quite a different dynamic when children are involved, and maintaining frame is a different experience. There is no walking away from this relationship as a parent.

Any experience/insight you can provide is great.

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Post Information
Title Divorce and Custody
Author Slydermv
Upvotes 6
Comments 3
Date February 22, 2017 2:30 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillParenting
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[–]youcantdenythat2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I went through probably the most nightmarish divorce possible. She falsly accused me of domestic abuse while she was pregnant and tried to have me sent to prison. All while she was the violent and abusive one. I had to prove my innocence and fight her in court and now have 50/50 custody of my son. It cost me a small fortune in legal fees.

Hopefully you are still journalling everything you can. She might be ok for now, but she might go crazy later. Log things like pick up and drop offs. Money spent on the kids. Medical visits. Anything that makes you look good or makes her look bad.

In dealing with her, amused mastery is your friend. Don't text her when you are upset. Wait until you are calm. I encourage you to ignore her entirely if says anything that isn't related to the kids.

Remember, the moment you get upset = she wins. The moment you let her know you're upset = she wins even more. The more she wins, the harder your life will be.

Initiate communications with her as little as possible. Try to stay off her radar. That said, don't appear weak in any way.

[–]0FO61 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well there is the typical advice and some of it stands true either way. Like not talking bad about the kids mom around them. Or try not to fight with her while the kids are around stuff. It does make a big difference. Now what I think most don't talk about though is that there are generally changes to rules and how they are applied with regards to the kids. My ex would hardly follow the rules that I had established for the kids whenever they went to visit her. Even though consistency was specifically directed in the parenting plan. So I just held to the parenting plan for most major things and the rest was fairly minor and just dealt with whatever fallout there was with the kids regarding those situations. Also for any major communication tried to get it from her directly.

As for dealing with her directly, is a tough one either way. My ex even though we have been apart for quite some time was still able to get me going about something that really shouldn't have engaged in on occasion. Most of my talks with her anymore I keep brief and straight to the point and if I feel it is going off rails usually try to disengage quickly. I also generally stay boring to her and try to only really talk about the kids without letting the conversation go past that much.

[–]Ezrickkn0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

New to TRP but for what it's worth;

Maintain the joint custody as long as possible. The longer that you go the less willing the court will be to change the schedule.

Go Alpha and schedule the doctor's appointments, Dentist appointments, Optometrist, etc. and take care of all of that as much as you can. Don't ask if she's already done it, just go do it yourself and never mention it to her. Health Insurance should be provided by you.

Make sure to set a clear line of communication with their school. If you need more leverage later, someone at the school may be able to write something for you to use in court.

Pay any regular child-care expenses, specifically day-care. Be kind about it even. Just tell her that you have taken care of it.

All of these things will help set the precedent that you are their primary caregiver. While you are building your parenting portfolio be kind to her. In an anti-RP sense, you need to let her feel like there is nothing wrong. Lull her into a sense of security that everything is fine but never show your cards until you need to.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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