This this has been something on my mind since I first came across this redpill theory. Its been a really interesting lesson for me.
My Mum was the disciplinarian in my family growing up. My Dad was brought in when things were really bad to use his bloody loud booming Dad voice that made the walls and ceiling rattle and to occasionally smack my naughty little ass. Otherwise Mum’s anger, tears, stonewalling and emotional manipulation of my Father and Brother would bring me back in line. I grew up feeling very far removed from her and never good enough. We do have a good relationship now and have long since worked out our dynamic but it was my Dad I respected. His expectations I would try to meet. Because that actually seemed possible. Even when I was rebellious, full of attitude and outwardly defiant, I always sensed my Dad enjoyed his little firecracker. Loved my 'bad' as much as my 'good' He was never phased by my Mum or I. Always just a stoic rock of calm and reason, until extreme provocation made him lose his temper. Only ever in a short burst and never aggressive, just authoritative. He’d give you a piece of his mind and move on. My Mum, in contrast would shut you out for days.
I’ve tried to be very different to my Mum most of my life and nowhere more so that in my Mothering. I don’t want my kids to be scared of me. To hide things from me. To feel my love can never be secured. I want to be the safe place, the confidante, the place where you will always find love and comfort, no matter what kind of a mess you have made. This has resulted in me being a bit of a pushover.
Much of our child rearing has been my Husband attempting to discipline the children strongly and firmly. Even shouting sometimes in that voice he has that is just like the one my Dad has. The Dad voice. I’ve hated it coming from him. We’ve had so many arguments as I try and persuade him not to shout at the kids. Not to tell them not to cry and suck it up. To let them express their feelings. Its really pissed him off at times. I’m a soft-ass and he’s a hard-ass. (Interestingly completely opposite in parenting to how we generally are in life!)
So since starting my exploration of redpill theory I’ve been trying to step back. Let him do his thing. Its not been easy and we’ve fallen out when I’ve not been able to keep my mouth shut. Its been a battle against my nature but each time I’ve acquiesced and he’s continued, I’ve started to notice myself feeling very very differently.
Without me undermining his efforts to discipline them, he’s able to go all the way. I’ve heard him split my bickering children up and individually give them a bloody good no holds barred piece of his mind. They’ve cried and bawled. They’ve protested the other siblings guilt. They’ve proclaimed him horrible and unfair. He’s been unmoved. Left to finish the job without interference, he is fucking masterful.
They go from excuses to backchat to grovelling to acceptance and attempting to win his approval back. The snivelling stops. They suck it up and apologise. My Son in particular (who has always been an easy child) is showing some really masculine behaviours now and crying a lot less when he doesn’t get his way. My Daughter is going to take a bit longer as she is a force of nature that wants everything her way and will do anything to get it. And she needs a much more feminine role model than me so I’m working on it!!
Leaving him to do it his way is improving the situation for all of us. The awful part of day I hate, (supper, shower, teeth & bicker) he’s taken over and it’s becoming far less painful. (Probably cos I'm not there nagging everyone tbh) He allows me to be the safe place and the comforter, (the role I want) And he amazes me (I don’t know I’m why I’m amazed, he’s always been very emotionally intelligent) with how he moves them along with his own narrative. Anger, disappointment, acceptance of them, acceptance of apologies, strategies to manage future issues, bringing them together afterwards. He doesn't just react and blow his top. He's got a strategy and he knows where he's taking them. He’s the fucking puppet master! He knows what he's doing. Why did I never see that?
And do you know what else? Its sexy A.F. It really is. I’ve actually stood in the kitchen looking at him in the dining room, giving my daughter the discipline she NEEDS! He had her, (like he has me sometimes in an argument) cornered and unable to do anything but accept what he was saying. He put up his ‘nuh-uh-uh’ wall and she just bounced of it. Just wearing herself out. Caught his eye and got my tits out for him, starting rubbing them and tweaking my nips. That’s what it does to me! Shook his head, rolled his eyes at me and turned away. He rolled HIS eyes at ME!! (he hates me rolling my eyes at him almost as much as he hates being interrupted) Quite a turn on.
I welcome any advice from anyone on how to provide positive female discipline as I'm really starting from nothing. Also any tips on how to make my daughter less like me!