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[–]Sylxian1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I've only been in the similar situation for less than a year with my two boys, 3 and 6 yos. The mother has been gone since January and has erratically bothered to physically see them a total of 4 times (which they devolved into monsters the first 3 times after I got them back).
Most she ever does is call them on the phone. Which worked for a time. Then they grew bored of that. So she started to doing facetime, again, worked for a time now they are bored with it.
Even after heavy amounts of damage control on her behalf towards the boys, it never did any real good. It only ever band-aided the loss, come to find out. I was talking with a friend one day, and she (which is very RP herself) made the statement that "...maybe they feel like they should miss her..." and "...that maybe the damage control is only prolonging the feeling."
That was the breakthrough I needed. My boys, even with all the damage control, had already made their mind up about their absent mother. I was the one that needed to stop fighting on her behalf when she won't do it herself.
It's been 2 months now since I've quit damage control. If, during the rare time, they would say "I miss my mom" or anything like that; I either say "ok" or don't acknowledge it. Sounds harsh, but the results are unbelievable. Hardly any behavioral problems out of the 6yo anymore e.g. he was hitting, spitting on people, throwing furniture. The works. Now, he's paying attention in school, being very considerate and nice to others.
I'm still working on the 3yo, however, but its understandable since he's only 3. Although, he has came a long way too, I find it hard to play the additional roll of "mommy" just because I won't coddle my kids. Sure I'm caring and warm towards them, but I don't put up with certain behavior.
So my point is this: just rip the band-aid off as it were, and stop fueling the fire. She's 8. She should have more than enough capacity to internally think out this mommy business with your stoic guidance.
Good luck.
[–]iluminatiNYC1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
As a single dad, the best thing you can do is be honest to their level of understanding. I have a 6 year daughter myself, and I've been forthcoming that yes, my mom and I have split up because we didn't get along. She also knows that mommy is sick and sometimes can't be there all the time. I figure as time marches on, I'll give her details as she's capable of understanding.
In terms of keeping her away from the wrong men, you're it. Either you present a good example or you don't. She's around you more than any other man during her formative years. The example you put out there will be the template she works off of moving forward.
Also, as an aside, do get her into some activity where she can see real live adult women. My daughter is in Girl Scouts, and it's worth the bullshit to at least give her something to strive towards as she becomes a woman.
[–]RedPope1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Therapy does help, but it takes time.
However, there are too many shitty, useless therapists. Some are incompetent. Others are charlatans, who will endlessly milk you for money.
If after 5-6 sessions, the therapist can't explain what is going on with your daughter, it is time to try a different therapist. A good therapist will be able to explain the problems and outline a plan to make things better.
Unfortunately, finding a good therapist can take longer than resolving the underlying issues. Good luck.
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
2 girls myself and the most important thing I think you can do is to be the man you want her to be with. Not in that creepy down south way, but be the example of who she should bring home. Mine are 2 and 6 and I take them on dates. Tell them where we are going because of a certain food we should try or the atmosphere. Open the door for them. Pick where to sit and get them settled. Take charge and make it fun. be in control. Start conversations, but also talk about what you would like to talk about.
Remember, once they hit puberty and all that "AWALT" shit kicks in, you really can't control their horrible decisions. All you can do is try to be a good influence and hope for the best. Try to teach them to be independent and never rely on men or even need men. Try to get them to understand that finances aren't everlasting and to actually save a dime once in a while. (If I meet a woman with good fiscal sense, I really don't know what I would do). Basically teach them to not be cunts and act more like men. That is what I am going for. Try to make science interesting ( we watch How It's Made a lot). Try to get them to make decisions on their own and be assertive. Try to encourage critical thinking and logic. Hell I may be wrong and my kids may end up being the queens of cuntiness, but I am trying. That is about all you can do.
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[–]Sylxian1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]iluminatiNYC1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]RedPope1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link