A Comprehensive Guide To Vetting Men


This post was written with /u/PhantomDream09. It can also be found in the Essential Posts section of the wiki (along with the best RPW content to date!). We had a blast writing together and we encourage other users to collaborate on projects for the subreddit :)


Does this dating advice sound familiar to you?

  • “Don’t worry about the future, you’re young and have plenty of time!”

  • “Just go with the flow!”

  • “Sleep with a man as soon as you feel passionate about him, if he likes you he will stick around!”

  • “You’ll meet ‘the one’ when the time is right!”

Each statement gives women a false sense of security and misrepresents what it takes to obtain lasting, exclusive commitment. Female sexual strategy is more than just looking good and showing up to the right place at the right time. Anyone interested in a long term relationship or marriage with a quality man must prioritise this goal and put in the requisite time and effort. Not only should you make sure that you are the best woman possible, you must actively search for the best man possible.

Women date to filter through eligible men and find who they want to spend the rest of their lives with. Sexual attraction and having a connection are extremely important, but a relationship will not succeed if arousal is the only factor you base your decisions on. If you have an idea of what you need and what you can’t handle, you will be able to date with a purpose instead of wasting time with men who are fun, but not viable long term options.

What is vetting?

To vet a man is to actively figure out if he has the qualities that you want, as well any deal breakers. Not only should he have a compatible personality, the two of you should share the same goals and vision of the future.

Why is vetting important?

It’s your first line of defense against ending up plated, strung along, alpha widowed, or tied to a man you really can’t stand. Properly vetting reduces your chances of needlessly increasing your N count with men that have zero intention of building a future with you. It is in every single woman’s best interest to fully vet each man she dates before agreeing to be in an exclusive relationship with him.

Am I shallow or entitled if I vet a man before commitment?

No, it is smart to have standards and adhere to them. The vetting process takes the entire person into account, not just a handful of traits. A comprehensive assessment of someone’s compatibility not only with your personality but with your life goals is essential for future happiness.

Does taking the time to vet a man mean that you don’t like him very much?

Absolutely not! In fact, putting in the effort to be more selective with who you commit to demonstrates how seriously you take relationships, and how much you value the man you ultimately end up with. If you sleep with every man who catches your eye, each encounter is worth less. A man knows your commitment (and sex!) means something if you don’t give it away easily.


If you are single or in the early stages of dating, grab a notebook and a pen and follow the steps below!

First, reflect on what you truly desire. How soon do you want to get married? How many children would you like to have? What goals and milestones would you like to achieve yourself and with your SO? What lifestyle and relationship dynamic do you thrive in? Keep these answers in mind as you think about the traits that your future SO should have.

Next, you must distinguish between wants and needs. Needs are the essentials, the things that you must take into consideration and cannot compromise on. Some characteristics to consider when assessing what you need in a man:

  • Age - An older man is more likely to be established in his career, mature, ready to settle down, and secure in himself. But he may have baggage from past relationships, and it could be harder to relate to each other. If he is younger, there may be less pressure and more fun. However, you may fall into mothering role and/or find it hard to respect him. If you are in your early 20s, men in your age range may still be figuring themselves out, struggling financially or not interested in settling down. If you are in your 30s or beyond, you will be competing with younger and more attractive women if you go after your peers.

  • Socioeconomic Status - It makes the most sense to focus on men of the same or neighboring class. He’ll have similar values, expectations, behaviour, and more. Another benefit is that you’ll be able to navigate social situations without feeling uncomfortable or pressured. It will also be easier to meet men and go on dates, since you’ll be in the same area and enjoy the same things. Of course some women can find success without considering class, just be realistic about how well you will be able to handle a major shift either for you or your man.

  • Ethnicity and Culture - Similar backgrounds will lead to more harmony. The closer your cultures, the lower the chance for conflict when it comes to questions of lifestyle, childrearing, relationship dynamics and more. This doesn’t mean that you can’t look outside of your own ethnicity and/or culture, but you have to consider how well you two will actually mesh when it is time to build a life together.

  • Religion - Both of your religious backgrounds are important, even if neither of you are currently religious. This ties into the importance of culture as a whole - the upbringing of a Catholic woman is completely different from the upbringing of a Muslim man, even if they are both Americans of the same race, class, and location. If you want to practise your faith, be sure to find a man who supports that or at least won’t interfere. And don’t assume that you can convert him in the future!

  • Marriage - If you want to get married, make sure the man you are dating is interested in marriage before you commit to him! He doesn’t have to say that he specifically wants to marry you, just get a general sense of his life goals while you are in the early dating stage. Don’t come on too strongly! There is no reason for you to compromise on the subject of marriage, so make sure this is a top priority.

  • Dominance Level - Attraction is non negotiable. You cannot ignore how attracted you are to a man, or how much you respect him. If you do, then you’re just firing randomly in the dark and hoping that when you land a man, he doesn’t end up being too dominant, or too passive for long-term happiness and stability. Marriage is forever so don’t commit to someone you won’t be able to devote yourself to entirely. Read up on dominance levels and dominance thresholds and reflect on what traits you value in a man. Pay attention and screen for the right combination of alpha and beta traits.

  • Children - You should be clear about how many kids you want, and know if the man you are seeing is on the same page as you. Don’t hope that you can convince him to want kids in the future, or to give up his dreams of having a large family if that is the case.

Other characteristics you may consider in the “needs” category:

  • Education - When the man has as much, or more education than the woman, it allows the woman to look up to and trust her man. This does not mean reverse scenario cannot yield great results. Every woman must know for themselves how important this aspect is in relation to other qualities.

  • Political/Ideological Affiliation(s) - if you are passionate about politics, philosophy, culture, or similar fields, you’ll want to prioritise finding someone with similar views. Most men interested in traditional relationships are on the right side of the spectrum, and are not interested in debating their beliefs.

  • Desired living location - If you are tied to your current location, limit the men you date to other locals. Long-distance relationships are likely to fail for many reasons, one of the most common being that neither party is fully willing to uproot their life and move to be with the other person. If the thought of moving for a man makes you uneasy, then keep that in mind as you go out on dates. If someone has close ties to their family, halfway across the world, consider how that will affect your future together (frequent trips to visit his relatives, alternative holidays etc).

  • Employment Status and Type of Job - When the man makes at least as much money (if not more) than the woman, the woman has as an easier time respecting him, as he is the ‘stronger’ partner financially. This is a generalisation of course but you should know ahead of time what your preferences are. Other things to consider when it comes to a man’s job is how busy he will be, if travel is required, and the level of danger tied to his position. It does not make you a gold digger to include a man’s career in the vetting process. If you want to build a life with someone you need to have a clear idea of what your future together will look like.

  • Appearance - Major deal breakers only at this stage! For example, you may say you’ll love a man at any weight - but if you shudder at the thought of having sex with a 300 pound husband, then you should be vetting for someone with positive health/body habits.

These are just general things to keep in mind, and it is vital that every woman personally identifies the basic things that will lead to harmony within the relationship. Once you've identified your criteria, only see men if they meet these basic standards.


Wants are optional; they are pleasant add-ons. You can live without them, but they’re really nice to have. A lot of women can get carried away with this category, especially if they are unrealistic about their personal dating worth.

Aiming too high can lead you to high value men, but they will not be interested in anything long term or exclusive. It is true that some men are not open to a relationship (or marriage) until a woman comes along that truly changes his perspective about things. Understand that chasing those men includes an increased level of risk. (Read here or here to see why it is not in your best interest to rely on “plate” status as a dating strategy).

As you think about what you want in a man, evaluate yourself as well. Would the man you are describing be willing to commit to you, as you are? If not, why not?

While it is good to be firm about what you need, and what is a deal breaker, be flexible when it comes to everything else. You may think you want someone who plays the guitar, but find a deeper connection with a hunter!


Now, on to deal breakers! This list is merely a jumping off point as it is okay to not care about or even prefer any of these traits, just know what you are getting into, and accept that your choices have consequences. Here are some common red flags:

  • Smokes cigarettes
  • Excessive drinking or drug use
  • Incompatible diets (e.g. he is a militant raw vegan)
  • Poor financial management skills
  • Criminal history or current criminal activity
  • History of infidelity
  • Previous marriage(s)
  • Has kids with another woman
  • Has a difficult time holding down a job
  • Has a history of gambling problems/overwhelming debt
  • Hot headed/short temper - prone to overreact
  • Serious health concerns
  • Overly sensitive and/or emotionally feminine
  • Lack of ambition
  • Clinginess
  • Previous bisexual or homosexual experiences
  • Unstable, dramatic or hate-filled relationships with his friends or family

When it comes to dealbreakers and red flags, keep in mind that everyone is flawed. Don’t next a guy for being human! In addition, avoid trying to find a carbon copy of yourself. If you love to read and he loves sports, that doesn’t mean you two are a bad match.

What do you do if a man you are dating isn’t right for you?

If you have only been on a few dates, you can easily put an end to things by not reaching out and declining the next invitation he extends. If you are somewhere in the casual dating phase where you are regularly seeing each other but not exclusive (note: this is not the same as being a plate), it would be better to deliver the news the next time he calls you on the phone, or even in person if things were close to becoming official. There is no need to give an exhaustive list of all the reasons you two won’t work out, and it is in your best interest to cut off all contact afterwards. Don’t give him false hope or suggest that you remain friends. You don’t need to be cruel but there is no obligation for you to coddle him or hide your true feelings.


There are a lot of moving pieces to the vetting process. You have to know what you want and need (as well as the difference between the two!), what you bring to the table, and major deal-breakers. If you are dating without a plan, then you are delaying your chances to meet a quality man you are compatible with, and increasing your likelihood for stress, panic and loneliness in the future. Keep the ideas outlined above in mind and you will have an easier time entering into the right relationship!

P.S. For information on dating strategies tailored to your age/life stage, read this! If you are interested in online dating, take a look at this guide!