Dealing With Common "Low Dominance" Problems - Share Your Insights And Experiences!

littlegoosegirl · 2017-05-16T21:22:37+00:00

Another low dominance, high threshold lady with a dominant man here! When we first got together, I was nearly incapable of showing negative emotions and being assertive. It is a struggle that I still have to work on, especially my assertiveness. I think once the realization that your man actually loves you deeply hits home, it becomes easier to show your sadness, anxiety, anger, etc. especially if you do it in a function, constructive way and don't throw fits.

My biggest breakthrough regarding assertiveness came when I realized that by not telling my husband my needs or wants, I was essentially forcing him to live my life for me. Abdicating any responsibility or ownership for your own happiness in your life is not a "low dominance" characteristic, it is a lazy and dysfunctional one. Forcing your man to constantly guess at your needs or interests is the absolute antithesis of what a dominant man wants, which is respect. It's not respectful to make your man guess and magically fulfill your life.

Also, it's important to understand that stating your interests or wants does not equal making demands. There is a huge difference between saying "I would just love to go wine tasting this weekend/sometime soon!" and saying "Take me wine tasting dammit, what kind of man are you?!" To me, those statements sound closer than they actually are, because to me any request is a demand. But they are not the same thing, and your man cannot make proper decisions about what to plan without relevant information!

I'm not sure if I'm the only one, but sometimes I mistake kindness for weakness, and that sets off all the alarm bells. If my husband says, "What do you want to do today? We'll do whatever you want!" I start to get angry, because my anxiety jumps up and says "Oh no, he's stepping down from his dominant role! Now you'll have to be in charge and then you'll hate him forever!" Of course this is ridiculous, but a woman's mind is an odd place sometimes. If he's ceding restaurant choice to you but is still planning all the trips, handling all the finances, and asking you to iron his shirts, he is being kind, not being weak. Reminding myself of this allows me to enjoy his momentary bestowing of power as the treat it is, instead of as a threat to my preferred dynamic.

StingrayVC · 2017-05-16T20:12:01+00:00

I'm low dominance, high dominance threshold and dating a dominant man. Occam is very straightforward, and also remarkably sensitive to how I'm feeling. He's always willing to give me the benefit of the doubt, because he has a good sense of my personality 'baseline.'

I am horrible when it comes to being direct sometimes, or even just speaking up. I often don't have an opinion (this could be about food or where to hike), and he won't have a strong feeling one way or another so he'll ask me. Instead of saying what I feel like, I just start listing off possible options (which he knows as well, so it's not as though I'm helping hahah).

The solution has been that when I feel like something, I tell him about it immediately. When I'm really excited to try cooking a meal, or I want to see a movie etc, I let him know and he's always responded positively. He's very good at predicting what I want, but he still likes to fulfill specific requests.

I'm fairly non-verbal, so I do a lot of things that boil down to 'I'm checking up on you and running diagnostics to see if you need anything.' He likes the process, and usually laughs at me and says it would be faster if I just asked.

I talk about how situations affect me emotionally (perhaps I become more stressed, worried etc) and bring up possible negative consequences as a result of the situation. Occam will walk through his reasoning, reassure me, sometimes he alters things other times he tells me it will be fine and he understands the angles. Basically, I bring up my personal state, and seek his perspective and thoughts. Most of the time I'm content to remember that he knows what he's doing, and he's never broken a promise to me or created a faulty plan. The important thing here is that I'm never trying to dictate what he should do, how he should act or limit him in any way. This is really important, because dominant men do not listen when someone tries to control them.

I am hypersensitive, but normally I'm not bothered by any of his observations and feedback. He's always honest, and his insights are accurate, even if they're hard to hear sometimes.

StingrayVC · 2017-05-17T11:48:06+00:00

Understand before I write any of this, that I still struggle with it. I think a lot of the younger women here think some of the mods and EC have everything perfect when it's just not the case. We might understand more, that doesn't mean our actions are always spot on.

So, on to it,

What are your tips for being more assertive within your relationship?

Understand that a dominant man doesn't want someone who isn't assertive. Most dominant men hate weakness just as much as us women who love dominant men. What our men want is submission (for the religious folks out there, this goes hand in hand with meekness, which means contained spirit. Think about that), deference, our whatever word you choose to use for it. They don't want a milquetoast they can't trust to make decisions. This always helps me, but I'm far from perfect. Honestly, my husband has helped me more in this area than anyone else.

If you were ever uncomfortable expressing negative emotions to your man or around your man, how did you get over that hurdle?

Again, my husband helped me. He needs to know these things when it is appropriate. He can't lead this family when something real is bothering me.

How do you combat hypersensitivity?

I'm learned and continue to learn the difference between being hypersensitive and real problems. What I'm hypersensitive about tends to be more trite and I can deal with it on my own because usually it's in my own head. Once I realize this, I can begin to let it go. It used to take me HOURS. Now I can usually let it go instantly to over an hour depending on what it is (sometimes, rarely these days, I still need my husbands help with this). Thank God because back in the day something could consume me for a whole day.

StingrayVC · 2017-05-17T12:23:47+00:00

Great post and questions. I'm HHH so I struggle with the exact opposite but it was nice to reread Camille's series on dynamics again.

It's a great reminder to me when dealing with low dominance women actually, this stuff doesn't just work in our romances. In the same ways H's can be destructive to self and SO, they can be the same with friendships, work relationships, etc.

I like that as I grow, the concepts fit more people, more situations.

stevierose345 · 2017-05-17T04:47:44+00:00

I believe that this is Tempest's response to my pm to her regarding this very struggle I am facing. I think she put the word out there about some issues I am having a hard time wrapping my head around. I don't know what all this high dominance, low dominance theory entails. I have always let my husband call the shots except for a few cases that I could not because he was being a complete idiot. I am guilty of keeping my worries to myself and now they are coming back to bite me in the ass. I walked away from this sub because I am so fucking much older than most of you and I am the polar opposite of your political beliefs. Look up my history and get to know me. If you can honestly welcome me back to this sub knowing my perspective then I will continue to contribute. I went back and read through my history and I did not delete anything because there was nothing that made me feel ashamed. I have always been honest here. I have always been a square peg that never fit in with the round pegs, but for some reason I am drawn back to this sub. I guess it is the closest group of women that will be able to understand my life. Under no circumstances invite me back into the fold until you knows who I am.

Title	Dealing With Common "Low Dominance" Problems - Share Your Insights And Experiences!
Author	Camille11325
Upvotes	8
Comments	29
Date	May 16, 2017 6:13 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/6bj70x/dealing_with_common_low_dominance_problems_share/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/dealing-with-common-low-dominance-problems-share.208947 https://theredarchive.com/post/208947