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Dealing With Insecurities Over Husband's Attraction to Other Women

June 7, 2019

I've had a rocky marriage, and have posted on here a few times seeking encouragement/advice. I bought Fascinating Womanhood a few months ago (I bought a few different copies and versions, actually), and have been taking the advice there to heart. I have enjoyed the changes in myself, and think I am becoming a better person for it. I have felt an increase in intimacy and a strengthening in our bond, too, and am grateful for it. We are actually pregnant with our third child now, and I think it is because of the way things have changed in our home. I have felt so much happier with my husband when I intentionally set out to admire and respect him, and accept him without criticism.

My issue now - he told me yesterday that he was still sexually attracted to every single young, cute girl he saw, and that he would have a threesome (hypothetically speaking, that is. He said he would never do it with me because I would be too jealous, but that yes, he would be up and willing for one generally speaking), and that it was a sacrifice for him to give up random, casual sex.

I felt like he slapped me when he told me these things. I knew he thought/felt that way in the past, but I also thought our bond was weaker then. I honestly thought that a stronger bond and deep intimacy would mean that I would be his One and Only. And to be sure, he has never done anything about any of this. He has 100% been faithful in actions, which I guess is what ultimately counts, but honestly I felt so disgusted and betrayed. All the memories of him coming home from the bar telling me how much he missed banging randos flooded through me again and I felt like my world had just been smashed, and he would always be mentally scanning other females. And it shouldn't shock me that he still feels this way, anyway. I've had all the signs. I quit wanting to watch Game of Thrones with him because he got so gross and explicit about how hot he thought all the girls were in the show. He doesn't just say, "I think X person is attractive." He says "I wanna ram it up her ass" or "You have no idea how many times I've jacked off to her." He stopped saying all those things when I made it clear how much it bothered me, but I guess I let myself be fooled into thinking the issue was gone since it wasn't in my face anymore. I'm just so disgusted that he would have such low integrity as to even consider that a threesome would be a good idea. He basically just admitted to me that he is 100% OK using women for their bodily orifices, regardless of the harm it would reek on everybody. Honestly I only think enjoying a threesome is possible if the people are completely out of touch with morals, their emotions, and only see the other person as a means to an end. I'm sad and discouraged that his life of family and commitment has been a sacrifice. Maybe I'm just being too Disney, but I really thought that true, deep, soul-to-soul love would quench those baser, more animalistic, hedonistic impulses. I feel very betrayed, and maybe one of the worst things is that the respect, admiration, and the trust I had been feeling for him feels quite shakey now. I feel full of doubt, and while he is faithful and does not do anything in action that is questionable, I have to question our bond and the truth of what our relationship is. He told me that ALL men are driven to want to fuck anything young and attractive, even when they're 80 years old. That also made me feel depressed. If that's 100% true, and men are only keeping their desires in check because of society or family pressures, then it is really impossible for me to be friends with any male. It makes me feel something close to hate for them. It's gross. Are there no men out there who love principles and who don't just see women as holes to be used for sexual gratification? When I ask myself that, of course it's obvious that those men exist, but then that makes me wonder why my husband speaks in a way which would paint all men like that. That, coupled with the history of our own sex life (started out amazing, then had a drastic drop off with first child due to his lack of desire) has me questioning if I chose a man who just by being who he is is not cut out for long-term monogamy. That is one awful proposition. The other is that he actually is a great long-term monogamy partner, but I have failed to fulfill his deepest needs and therefore he is not as deeply bonded to me as I desire. I'd prefer it if I have failed. At least that means there might be a chance that there is something I can do to improve things.

How should I deal with this? I don't want to be plagued by this doubt and the insecurities are awful, because he has not acted in any way questionable. I realize that this is more like thought-crime, and there is nothing which has been done about these thoughts. My doubts come from knowing that he desires and wishes and feels things which I find fundamentally immoral and disgustingly hedonistic. I really have such a disgust for the hook-up culture. I get that men like sex, but seriously, don't men realize that there's a whole other human at the other end of that hole that most likely would never hook-up if she were healthy, and had self-respect and knew what is was like to be valued? I see all the men of TRP who "spin plates" and maximize their sexual strategy amorally as vultures feeding off of the carcasses of broken families and the dysfunction of a sick society. I don't see them as men to respect. I can't respect such sociopathic behavior. It's such exploitation. It would be like a woman serially draining bank accounts of men who were desperate for approval and female affection. The men agree, so it's not theft, but a woman who would do that is a predator without a heart. No man could love a woman like that. It just shows that she is willing to serve her own needs regardless of any moral standard, or of any cost to the other person. And yes, my husband has often accused me of over-thinking things, but it just seems logical to me that these sort of desires and preferences would point to a weakness in integrity and understanding, and that's just awful. I wish my husband was so in love with sterling ideals and standards that he would never even dream of these things. I know the Red Pill community sort of lauds male sexual hedonism, but even that is illogical and dumb to me. All that sexual hedonism and gratification for men- and especially young men - is dangerous to every thing good that society is built on. Men are less incentivized to achieve and succeed, and they stop developing inner personal qualities if they are drugged and inundated with sex all the time, and it makes them feel successful even if their lives are in reality hollow and pointless. There is also the danger of reckless pregnancies, which is tragic for a helpless, totally innocent baby and it ruins entire generations. It also weakens men's ability to bond with women, and it's destructive and hurtful to the women themselves. I am horrified that he will imprint these ideas onto my sons, when it seems like the happiness of their adults lives will nearly entirely depend on them prudently choosing the right women to build their families with, and they will not be attractive to women of integrity and high standards if they are living like man-whores and are slumming it with any trash that walks their way. IF my sons are going to escape teenage years without a porn addiction, without getting an STD or and unwanted pregnancy (which, again, is just utterly destructive for the innocent child, and then exposes my son to legal and financial risks for the rest of his life), then they need to see that masculinity is discerning of women, and that just because you can have sex with it does not mean that you should, and that more sex and more variety of sex does not = being more of a man.

Life is without these insecurities, and I'd like to put the aside if possible, but I want to know some true answers as to whether me putting these insecurities aside is just me sticking my head in the sand until the problem grows so large that it's unavoidable. I'm also afraid that this third child will be a daughter, and that she will grow up expecting to be loved only as long as she is young, attractive, and a stranger/novelty for a man. In other words, I'm afraid her daddy will demonstrate to her that men don't love women, but that they are perfectly willing to use their holes for very selfish reasons. I don't see how it's possible that he can teach his sons to have sex and use women, and then expect his daughter to believe she is worth being treated with love and tenderness and respect.

Honestly I just feel distrustful of him after hearing that his desires are only being kept in check by my presence. It is nothing innate or internal in him, and that makes me think he is not wise, not thoughtful, not insightful or or enough integrity to be a good captain. There is so much at stake, and I feel on full alert because he does not seem to be on full alert himself. I want to relax and never question his capacity, but this has shaken me deeply.

Am I wrong?

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Post Information
Title Dealing With Insecurities Over Husband's Attraction to Other Women
Author mrssmithhh
Upvotes 23
Comments 31
Date June 7, 2019 11:26 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWives
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