Feeling a lot of resentment, need encouragement please!

Can I vent please ladies? I don't know any real life women on this kind of journey and its very new to me.

I can’t surrender. I can’t shut up. I can’t respect the man, because I cannot rely on him to do his bit. Or to be there for me.

Its always been like this, I need it to change for my mental health. I don't want to be the Captain anymore. I want to be able to be a Woman. A Surrendered one, not the Strong Independent One I've spent my entire life trying to be, never having to rely on anyone else, that has ended me up on medication. I'm trying to make a big change. To be more vulnerable and feminine.

I don’t know if I can do this work. Encourage me? Tell me where I can do it better, smarter, wiser.

OK (very) recent examples that have left me seething with resentment. They sum up my typical experiences nicely.

1) Yesterday evening:

He always picks up the kids as he finishes work before me. Monday my Son has footy training and we alternate weeks to take him. It's my turn this week. I get home at 5 and need to be leaving with the Boy at 5:30. It's been this way for about 3 years. Nothing new. 5pm I’m home. Hubby at home too scrolling his phone. Convo goes like this

“Helloooo" I call as I charge through the door, not having seen anyone yet. "How are we all”

“Hi” says Husband, getting up to greet me. At this point the kids are usually throwing themselves at me and talking a mile a minute.

“Hey' I reply as we hug have a little kiss. Where are the kids?”

“Not picked them up yet, just chilling out. I was going to go in a min.”

This is when I probably should have shut up. I didn’t.

“Oh… You know I have to leave with Boy in 30 mins and he needs food and changing into his kit?”

“OK I’ll go now shall I”

“Please”

In fairness, we did get to footy on time. But it was a rush and Hubby was stressed out and shouty trying to find shin pads and footy boots.

2) My job:

“So what’s on for you next week then” I ask Husband Sunday night as we relax together.

Gives me a full run down of the schools and groups that are at his forest school and a long discussion about this particular child that is a problem. “And what about you babe?”

Now I’ve been doing my job 12 years. I don’t usually say much to these questions, or the ‘how was your day’ one. It’s usually ‘ah, you know the usual’ or ‘its wages week meh’. But this Sunday it was different. I’ve listened to him describe his planned week in detail. I matter too right and I have a challenge to face worth sharing. So I let him know I am expecting to dismiss a long serving alcoholic on Monday morning whose life is in total and utter chaos. As much as I know what needs to be done, I am not made of stone and I feel for this person. It will be unpleasant.

“Ooh don’t envy you that he said” Asked how I feel about it, took an interest. Don’t envy you a forest full of other peoples kids’ I added. I really don’t! I would rather sack the alcoholic no question. All good. Its good for him to know what I face sometimes, I should share more probably.

Yesterday we are all back home and catching up with each other on the sofa. He’s told me (in detail) about his day and how problem child was actually not too bad today. I wonder if he’s remembered what I told him I was doing. We go on getting the kids up to bed. Get some jobs done and sit down together. It is not until 10:30pm that I’ve accepted he’s not given my day a thought.

So I announce “So we sacked that lady then, went better than expected to be honest”

‘Oh shit he says, forgot about that. Can’t have been very pleasant though, you ok?'

'Aye'’ I said, disappointed. ‘Still it’s done now.’ Killed that discussion back off. Thanks for checking on me babe, don’t worry I got my shit handled without having to sing and dance about it my brain is sarcastically adding. Next time I’ll just get on with it and not bother sharing.

It hacks me off. I listen to him unload about his day at forest school every night. He literally cannot start his evening until he has downloaded his day into me. Tea can’t be made, kids can’t ask questions until he’s done. It's so rare I share any of my challenges with him. When I did? Not on his radar.

....

I’m the breadwinner, my job pays our bills. I see so much written about Women supporting Men in this role, how stressful the burden is and wonder what I have to do to get the same care or concern. I give it to him. After a day in a HR Office listening to people moan about their work issues, I get home and immediately do the same for him. Every night.

So this morning I feel pretty fed up. Its such an uphill struggle. I am full of resentment for him.

....

So in an effort to temper this with something objective

What he has done that I appreciate

1. He took the kids outside and cleaned both our cars Sunday evening, off his own back. Said he’d seen me revolutionise our filing system (he doesn’t know I’m doing that so I can outsource tasks to him more easily) and was inspired to do something.

I was really pleased with that. It meant our tea being later than usual and the kids were bathed a little later and I was pleased with myself for not letting this bother me, trusting that Sunday night bedtime would still be on schedule, which it was.

2) When I back from footy yesterday, my daughter informed me that her and Daddy had packed up a bag of everything she needed for her school trip, got her clothes laid out and a list of what she requested in her packed lunch.

I was fully expecting to be sorting that out myself after she was in bed so that was really welcome and appreciated. He even went out and bought what was needed.

I don’t know whether he was gonna do this anyway or if he realised (after not picking up the kids on his way back) he’d better do something to compensate. I don’t suppose it really matters.

I've got to give it more time. Give both of us more time...

Thanks for reading....

EDIT!!

PS His MOT is up tomorrow. I printed the reminder from the garage for him last week in May. At the weekend, he picked it up and said oh shit I'm out of MOT. I pointed out he had til Weds to sort it. Let me know if you need me to borrow a pool car from work, so you can have my car I said. ooh cheers babe, thanks. So its the 12th tomorrow. I'm not saying anything. Can I not say anything? How long do I leave him without an MOT before I remind him?

EDIT 2

Questions..............

How old are you (and how old is your partner) and how familiar are you with RPW? I'm 41, He's 43. I'm a huge novice, about 2 months into discovering it existed.

What is your relationship status? Married

What is the problem? (Don’t badmouth your SO!) Resentment of spouse How have you contributed to the problem? Doing everything, controlling everything for him

How long has this been an issue? 18 years What have you done to resolve this problem?

Argued, asked for change, threatened to leave, only ever gets a temporary improvement. accepted it and tried to live with it. If married or in a committed, monogamous relationship:

How long have you been together? 20 years

Is your relationship long-distance? no

Do you have an active bedroom life? yes for a long time. No for 5 years yes again in last 3 months