Last night, a series of events played out that hammered home a half-dozen RPW truths. I would like to share it with you.

My SO and I had been planning to spend some time together last night. I had a busy weekend, so it would be our only chance to see each other. About an hour or two before our usual convening time, he texted me saying he was really stressed out due to some complications at work and wanted some alone time. He apologized and asked to reschedule.

My immediate emotional reaction: Sadness. Hurt. Anger. Frustration. How could he blow me off? How could he do this to me? Didn’t he know how much I wanted to see him that night?!

But instead of reacting with my feelings, I put my phone down, and just let myself feel them for a few minutes.

And then I thought about how I wanted to respond. I asked myself, “What’s true right now? What do I feel right now?”

My thoughts:

  • Every so often, he’ll request a night to himself when we’ve been loosely planning to see each other. I’m usually more than willing to accommodate, since I know he’s an introvert and I know he just needs his space sometimes. But this was the first time he’d asked to cancel more-or-less concrete plans, and he’d done it so last-minute that I didn’t have a chance to make plans with a friend or something.

  • It was literally our only weekend plan and I was busy for the next few nights so I didn’t know when I would see him next. I was disappointed.

  • I’m going through a lot of family stress right now, and I always feel better after spending time with him. I was sad and wanting his comfort and had been really looking forward to some cuddle time.

  • I don’t ever want him to feel guilted or obligated into hanging out with me, and I don’t ever want him to feel like he can’t ask for alone time when he needs it.

I thought about those things for a while and realized I didn’t know how to resolve what I was feeling. And then I remembered my RPW lesson: Bring your captain your problem, not your solution. I also remembered a Laura Doyle lesson: Express your feelings.

So I sent him a text saying: “I understand. I’m going to be honest. I was looking forward to spending time with you and I’m sad. Things aren’t easy for either of us right now. I don’t want to guilt you into hanging out with me, and I’m not mad at you. Just wanted to be honest about how I’m feeling.”

Not even ten minutes later, he texted me back. He thanked me for telling him and offered to come over for just an hour or two and cuddle and watch a movie together or read or something. I said yes and thanked him, and we agreed he’d come over in a few hours.

I was still shaking off the sadness when I thought, “Look, Mabs, your man is doing a wonderful thing by coming over here, so don’t you go thinking you can slack off and sit here like a self-pitying bump on a log. He’s stressed out too, so you better put some effort into making this excursion worth his while instead of making it just about yourself.”

So I tidied up my apartment, lit a few candles, turned on the humidifier (he loves watching the steam – it’s pretty cute), and whipped up some quick treats and popped them in the oven. I put on a pair of yoga pants he likes and a cute, soft top. And then I took a moment to really think about how generous and kind and loving he was being by listening to my feelings and offering to come over and spend time with me. It was like I literally felt warmth and love slowly radiating through my body. By the time he arrived, I was feeling so loved and grateful and heard that I practically leapt into his arms.

There was cuddling and there was talking and there was movie-watching and there were cookies and there was funny, giggly goofing around. He left after about two hours, looking noticeably less stressed and saying he felt a lot better after coming over. I went to bed with a huge smile on my face, and we’re both feeling good this morning.

Now I want to make one thing very clear here: This is not a story about me getting my way. This is a story about the practice of RPW truths leading to maximum satisfaction for both parties.

There are a number of takeaways here.

What I learned

  1. Bring your captain your problem, not your solution. I didn’t tell my SO exactly what I wanted him to do. I just told him how I was feeling. I told him the situation I was in. He offered up a solution that worked out great for both of us. If I’d told him what to do, he likely would’ve resented me for bossing him around, and I likely would’ve been unsatisfied with our together time, since he’d be there out of guilt and obligation rather than a desire to spend time with me.

  2. Communicate your feelings. By telling my SO exactly what I was feeling, I was able to communicate in a way that didn’t put him directly at fault or blame him for anything. I was just sharing my truth, not pointing fingers. And my initial reaction was, "Doesn't he know how much I want to see him/how much I need his support?" And the answer is no! He didn't know how much I was counting on spending some time with him! And unless I told him I needed support, how would he know? Feels. Share them.

  3. Acknowledge his feelings. There are two human beings with emotions in your relationship. Yes, I’m stressed and going through some garbage. But so is my SO. My shit does not outweigh his shit. I didn’t make the night just about me. I made room for him to talk about what’s been stressing him out and listened.

  4. Pull your weight. If my SO had shown up to an unkempt apartment to find me in slouchy sweatpants and a foul mood, the night probably would’ve ended very differently. I made an effort to make my place and myself warm and welcoming. And he noticed.

  5. Gratitude. Always. My SO went out of his way to come over and spend some time with me. He was so generous and thoughtful and honest, and he didn’t brush my feelings aside, and he really listened to me, and I am so lucky to be with such a wonderful man. Taking a moment to really think about that was like giving my attitude a facelift. Did it erase all the challenges in my life? Of course not. But it brightened my attitude considerably and set a positive, loving emotional tone for the evening.

What I could’ve done better.

  • Probably 30 minutes passed between him texting me and me responding, which probably felt like an eternity to him. While I really did need that time to think it through this time around, in the future I’ll make an effort not to leave him hanging for so long.

  • At one point, it occurred to me that another solution would’ve been to let him have his night off and expression my feelings later – thus giving him his space and also letting him know that that didn’t make me feel very good. In this particular situation, I don’t think that would’ve been the right choice, but now I know it’s an option I can consider in the future.

  • I let myself get a little too worked up after sending him my text and probably would’ve taken it very personally if he’d chosen to spend the night alone anyway. This comes from a place of fear, since my ex would’ve been a grade-A asshole in a similar situation. But my SO is smart and kind and makes decisions with both of our best interests at heart, and by bringing him my problem and giving him all the information I had, I put the decision in his hands. This time, I “got lucky,” but if he were to make a different decision for us in a similar situation in the future, I’d need to be prepared to respond to any decision with respect, grace, and trust, rather than getting overly tied to one outcome and then being sulky when I didn’t “get my way” (oh, hey there, covert contract, where’d you come from?). Dealing with the baggage of my asshole ex is my responsibility and it would be unfair for my smart, kind SO to be faced with an emotional reaction caused by leftover nasty memories of a manipulative jerk.