How do I vet men?

2016-04-08T20:32:31+00:00

Wow, everyone has such long answers! So instead of getting into the nitty gritty like the other folks, I'll give you a catchy one liner.

"Your man should be a reflection of everything you'd be proud of your son to have."

Because at the end of the day, your possible future children are going to have him as a role model. So if they pick up a bad habit that you have excused in your spouse, it sets a bad precedent for what is acceptable behavior.

littleteafox · 2016-04-08T19:35:12+00:00

To me vetting is not as much about, "does he check these things I like off my list" and more about.. observing his behavior in different situations.

How is he around children?
How does he express anger?
What are the social influences in his life like (his friends, family, etc)
Is his behavior consistent?
How does he handle conflict?
How does he treat strangers?
How do other people I know and trust speak of him? What are their non-love-goggle opinions?
How does he handle change?
Does he follow through on promises and commitments?
How does he react to my moods/emotional states?
How does he prioritize the things that matter to him in life?
How does he treat/interact with other women? Men? What if he doesn't like them?

I kind of combine all my observations together, consider context and circumstance, and figure out how I feel about the results as they are right now. I take care to not hamster ("Oh he's like this now, but under my influence I could change that...") Then I also add in how in general I feel when I'm around him -- not how I THINK I feel but how I feel without trying. How I feel when I think about him. How I feel when he's not around. Is it anxious, uncertain, stressed? Or is easy, warm, open, and loving? Do I feel respected? Etc. It takes time. Not everything will be perfect, but will it meet whatever standard you've set for yourself?

2016-04-08T19:53:40+00:00

If he won't commit to monogamy before intimacy, he doesn't want to commit to you period.

Masculine men will pursue what they want. If he is not pursuing you, he does not want you. It is your job to convey receptiveness and be available, the onus of the rest is on him.

Lonny_zone · 2016-04-08T18:17:59+00:00

I'll be updating this list as I think of more traits.

Some Green Flags:

Has a good respectful relationship with his family
Is confident, straightforward, and direct
Is sexually attractive to you, personally
Is ambitious and goal-oriented
Displays loyalty and a desire to settle down
Has a personality you mesh well with - whether that's earnest and serious, or fun/goofy/laid back, it needs to be compatible.

Some Red Flags:

Hides your existence from his family and friends
Always looks for ways to excuse himself or blame others for his own failings
Is passive aggressive
Shies away from discussing commitment and brushes off the "are we exclusive" talk
Has a reputation of being a "playboy"; history of playing girls for sex without giving them commitment, etc. Has an excessive N count *
All his exes are "crazy" (even worse, has a baby-mama - STEER CLEAR)
Has a lazy drifter attitude
Excessive alcohol or drug use

*there are obviously women who consider this a boon rather than a drawback, but I stand by it being a "red flag" - Proceed With Caution

How long should one vet a guy before trusting or a relationship forming?

Whenever possible, do all your vetting and secure serious commitment before having sex.

Kittenkajira · 2016-04-08T18:33:02+00:00

On a basic level, if you have attraction and at least some compatibility, and are both interested in the same kind of lifestyle, then it could work. I think you can vet men pretty fast, sometimes just within a few dates. It's important to do it quickly, before all the feelings start coming in (at least the basics). If there's anything at all that you're passionate about, either for or against, seek his thoughts on those subjects. (You may want to start making a list.)

I did have deal breakers, and he had some as well. Our first date was at a sushi restaurant, and he later told me that it's one of his tests - girls gotta like the sushi to be with him. So keep that in mind when dating. You may meet a guy who seems wonderful and checks all the boxes, but you might not do the same for him. Try not to take it personally unless it keeps happening.

For me the deal breakers were smoking, drug use, partying and/or alcohol abuse, being short, not having a car, no ambition, not leading/initiating contact and dates, drama-creating family members. I tried a long distance relationship, and that crashed and burned - so I wanted nothing to do with that again. I don't know that I had a lot of must-haves, I think I made a list at one point but damned if I could remember what was on it.

The first hug should give you comforting feelings, the first kiss should make you want more. Our first date really made our compatibility glaringly obvious. Conversation flowed well, we had similar thoughts on morals and politics, both wanted kids. He'd been on the Army Bachelor Diet and wanted to start eating better, and here came me the Organic Cook. There weren't many pauses in our conversation, but to eat, and we would give each other these "wow, this is really happening, I like you" type of looks.

Within a few dates, he told me that he'd like us to date exclusively, and we made our dating profiles inactive. He also gave me a heads-up that it would take at least 6 months for him to determine if we would work, and if he had feelings for me. I think that rather holds true for most relationships, you don't really know if you're going to make it until you get out of the honeymoon period, which is 6-9 months. Brace yourself, because it is really difficult to gracefully navigate the uncertainty you will feel during that period.

qwertyuiop111222 · 2016-04-08T18:55:35+00:00

/u/sunnie- this is such a wonderful idea for a post, and I look forward to hearing what everyone has to say.

I think one of the first things should be to sit down and figure out what makes you feel safe and what brings you happiness/joy. These things will probably speak to the core traits of your personality, or that's my guess at least.

For example, I'm an introvert, with minimal social needs, I desire stability (financially and in my routine), and I feel the most 'at ease' when I'm with people I trust (they are capable, knowledgeable, have solid morals similar to my own, value hard work, think things through, have a sense of humor). Understanding myself as a person, really made things easier overall. Along with that, I knew my deal-breakers (no smoking, doesn't want children, must want or be open to an exclusive relationship).

I didn't need someone that had a specific job - just that they were steadily employed. I didn't need someone that had any particular physical features, because attraction is a mix of physical appearance and personality (always an added bonus when a man is taller than I am though). I needed to be with someone that understood my introversion, and would avoid trying to push me to go out constantly. When I dated, I had the opportunity to talk and get to know a lot of different gentlemen. I really do think it's entirely appropriate (and generally wise) to take your time getting to know someone. It's not a race to jump into a relationship - it's a process. Don't overwhelm yourself by going on as many dates as possible when you do return to dating.

Honestly, there were many different men I could have possibly entered into a relationship with, and had varying levels of happiness and success. I don't think there's just one person you are destined to be with (although my SO definitely makes me feel as though it was always our fate to end up together).

I think it's normal for people to make time for the things that really matter. I have a big aversion to 'mind games' - so if, at any point I thought someone was trying to 'game' me (restrict level of communication for example) especially when we are supposed to be excited and trying to get to know each other, it was a red flag in my book.

Conversations always flowed organically, and I never had a problem talking about personal philosophies with anyone (whether about finances, family, religion, etc). I think it's very important to show active interest and ask questions, and just have a really relaxed, happy energy.

I think it just takes time and practice. Every experience gives you something new to consider moving forward.

Sorry for all the rambling and good luck!

stevierose345 · 2016-04-08T20:30:13+00:00

(I feel the most 'at ease' when I'm with people I trust (they are capable, knowledgeable, have solid morals similar to my own, value hard work, think things through, have a sense of humor). I agree whole-heartedly with this. Trust your at ease gut instincts.

stevierose345 · 2016-04-08T23:56:10+00:00

I hope I cited Phantom's words correctly. I don't know how to make them italic.

SleepingBeautyWokeUp · 2016-04-09T06:06:33+00:00

This is such a good question! I feel like I have spent half my life trying to help my girlfriends solve problems that they shouldn't even be having, but they vetted poorly. At least among my friends at least 75% of bad vetting is willful, though. They know he "doesn't believe in marriage", but they think they will convince him. They know he cheated on his last girlfriend, but they think they can keep him loyal. Just, no.

What are the ways to vet for a good man?

You definitely want to systematically and intentionally watch how a man reacts in different situations!

How does he react to minor frustrations like the waiter messing up his order, or getting stuck in traffic? Is his whole night ruined if one thing goes wrong? Does he get irrationally angry? Does he stew? Does he look for someone to blame?
What does he do when he's on a date with you, and another woman is being flirty? Ignore you for her? Freeze up and get awkward? Get mean or mock her (even if she's maybe just being friendly)?
What does he do when a little kid runs up to him and strikes a superhero pose? Play along and laugh? Freeze in horror? Scowl and make some comment about how the mom should have better control of the child?
How does he talk about his exes? Were they all crazy bitches? Were they all lazy gold diggers? Were they all controlling ball crushers? Did they all force him to cheat somehow?
How is he with his family? What's his relationship with his dad like? How would you feel if he had a similar relationship with a child you both had together? proud? Scared? Are his parents still married? Happy?
Watch how he is with his friends! Well, first make sure he has some, lol. Do they seem like they have healthy, supportive relationships, or are they dramatic, or whiny, or always high/drunk?
What does he do with his money? Is he living in a studio apartment but wearing $600 sunglasses? Or, inversely, is he stingy? Would he rather park two miles away from the restaurant in a rainstorm than pay $3 to park out front? Does he prioritize spending money on experiences, or toys?

How did/do you ladies vet for a guy or know when one is right?

It's not enough just to notice these things! You have to evaluate them critically, and be prepared to walk away if you see something you don't like. If ALL his exes "made him cheat"... Dude, no matter how cute, how funny, or how successful he is... He is probably going to cheat on you, too.

How long should one vet a guy before trusting or a relationship forming?

Others might disagree with me, but I think it's OK to form a relationship after 6 weeks or so. I wouldn't marry in under 3 years. The first year... Yeah, it really is a honeymoon :) Which also means if you have a LOT of problems in the first year.... Cut your losses. It's very unlikely you will "figure it out" year two, three, or seventeen.

2016-04-08T18:30:02+00:00

Vetting is a tough process because it means that you need to have sharp emotional intelligence skills. You also have to be ready to next guys you may be physically attracted to because they are not good men.

Personally I had a few things that I needed to line up.

Good job. Doesn't mean he needed to be a millionaire but I don't think I could have dated someone who was a cashier at a porn store either.
Kids. Either had to already have them and not want them, or not want them altogether. That just isn't in the cards for me anymore so that was a deal breaker.
Respectful. Does he respect his family? Friends? Strangers (especially those in the service industry)? Coworkers? Does he talk shit about people behind their backs?
Self respect. Does he have it? That means does he take care of himself? Does he allow people to step all over him?
Sense of humor. I have a pretty crass sense of humor and honestly if someone couldn't handle that then we probably wouldn't be compatible.

How long to vet is dependent on the person and how often you see them. Do you see them almost every day or once a week? Someone once told me that it is equivalent to learning an instrument. You will know the ins and outs of an instrument if you play it every single day but if you only play once a month then you will probably never really know that instrument.

Again, the key is to have enough emotional intelligence to discern whether or not a person is a good person. If that person is a shit bag on any account NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PixieDelights · 2016-04-08T19:47:22+00:00

I do not have much experience with vetting men as I have only had two LTR and both kinda just happened, I was not really looking for anything. The first one started in high school (married him to defy my mom and step dad) and the second one when I was 22 with my husband. One thing I hope from my growth from being here is that I will be able to give my daughter better relationship advice and guidance than I ever received.

How did/do you ladies vet for a guy or know when one is right? We had a very casual relationship and we were both kinda hesitant to get into anything serious because of our past. We first had started out saying "You are the bestest ever" to each other until one day in the grocery store he was picking on me. I gave him an annoyed look on like the 8th time he stepped on the wheel of the buggy to jerk it around and he said "Why do you hate me?" playfully and I said "I don't hate you, I love you!" and broke down in tears at the joyful release of finally actually saying it. Next to the yogurt at the grocery store.

What are your must-haves and deal breakers? Number one was honesty No Cheating No violence toward me

Beyond that I didn't have any. We were both on the fence about kids (decided we would give it a whirl 3 months before getting pregnant), but we did have very similar views on how to raise them if we did. Marriage wasn't even a big deal either (we actually decided to buy a house instead of marriage b/c that seemed more complicated to get out of than marriage). Everything else was just meh, we are neither so very passionate about something that something like religion, politics, humor, jobs, whatever would make a difference.

How long should one vet a guy before trusting or a relationship forming? I would say it is always an ongoing thing. We were together for 3 months before we decided to be exclusive, and 6 months before we decided we wanted to be serious. At 6 months I don't think either of us entertained separating, but I can honestly say that the day I told him I loved him that if you had told me that 12 years later we would still be together I would have been shocked. I just didn't think I would ever be with a guy that long.

Now having said that, those three deal breakers are still in play. We have 12 years of trust built up between us, and should he cheat or suddenly become violent that would really shake the foundation of our relationship. It is not something I worry about though now, though.

DemonDigits · 2016-04-09T04:11:45+00:00

I'd just like to say, having learned the hard way, that one can be blinded by similarities. Yes, it's nice to find someone who shares all the same likes, dislikes, beliefs, goals, ideologies, what have you, but it doesn't guarantee the person is good for you, or even a good person! I'm not saying don't hope for similarities in a partner, but I am saying don't try to talk yourself into a partner simply because you think he's so similar, it must be a good match, despite any niggling feelings to the contrary.

I've also learned that differences can teach you a lot about a partner. The key is in how they disagree. Do they get defensive or combative? Do they mock your differences and make you feel stupid, or do they treat them with respect and make you want to think? There are some differences of opinion that no amount of respect on either side can overcome, such as whether or not to have children, but in other areas you'd be amazed at how many things don't matter because of how much respect one partner has for the other in giving them credit for being intelligent, rational people while still having entirely different opinions.

People so often go into the vetting process with such a narrow focus on similarities that I feel these are important points to come back to every now and again.

2016-04-08T18:39:00+00:00

I'm just gonna preface this by saying that this is something I'm still very much working on myself but try to be cognizant about while I'm currently dating.

What are the ways to vet for a good man?

I don't know if there's a clear list or a set rule of law on how to vet a good man that everyone shares. I just have to be confident and comfortable around him. He has to earn my trust. I have to believe he's in my corner. He has to be attracted to me and want my company. We'd have to share the same values. Stuff like that is what I find attractive. But it varies. Some women say he has to have a good paying job, while others may say a good man is a man of God. It really depends.

I will say this, don't use your friends to vet a potential LTR unless they have relationships that mirror what you'd ideally want for yourself. I've relied on gfs to vet my relationships and they were always so off the mark from what I thought personally....it was like, err, do yall even know me? The weird thing about being INFJ is that people think they have you pegged and they're usually really off.

How did/do you ladies vet for a guy or know when one is right?

How do I know he's Mr. Right? Child, I'm still figuring that one out. But I would assume that he has my utmost trust and I'm 100% comfortable deferring to him without question. I'd give him my babies <3 and his opinion/decision would be first before anyone else's without comment.

The guy I'm seeing I have a good feeling on: we have very similar interests, the same sense of humor, he's masculine but not overwhelmingly so, very secure with himself and he really likes me and MAKES THAT KNOWN. I have not had to ask myself really whether or not he's into me, which is really nice :3 We check in daily and hang out for hours. I find myself wanting to appease him and make him happy. And it doesn't feel like a chore or burden and it's not intimidating. I am not anxious around him ever! All good things.

What are your must-haves and deal breakers?

I try not to have a list of must-haves. I've found before that I've made a list (and this list was extensive, for the record) and just assumed because my broad categories of what I wanted were met that I was getting what I NEEDED out of the relationship and this was not the case. I could have missed out on countless great guys solely because they didn't meet my silly list. Also, let me remind you that my list of needs at 22 is SO DIFFERENT from any list I'd write at 27.

What I have now is a deal-breaker list, which has been pretty consistent over the years. So long as he doesn't flag any of my deal breakers, I can make it work if he proves himself.

Cannot be physically violent AT me. I just won't tolerate that. IF he was mad and broke shit around me, lol, that's tolerable. I just know my weak ass would die upon the impact of a man's angry fist.
No affairs. If he was drunk one night after an argument and made out with a girl, I'd be furious but I don't think that alone would make me next a guy. Especially if we were together for years, ya know?
No drugs. That's obvious.
Cannot be bi-curious or whatever. That kills my lady boner. I need a straight man.

How long should one vet a guy before trusting or a relationship forming?

I don't know if there's a set amount of time. My last LTR, I knew in a month. I was younger and less experienced then, but I trusted my gut and overall it worked out rather well, even if we ended things. I think my metrics are fluid cuz it's man-dependent, but I think it's more so determined by the guy, right? If I like him and trust him over time, and he wants to progress the relationship at whatever stage, then I'd be okay with following his timeline. I've rushed a relationship before and that was a mistake.

Title	How do I vet men?
Author	sunnie-
Upvotes	28
Comments	38
Date	April 8, 2016 6:01 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/4dxla8/how_do_i_vet_men/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/how-do-i-vet-men.210158 https://theredarchive.com/post/210158