How do you be sure to go back to Day 1?

ToughKitten · 2016-07-25T15:04:14+00:00

So, after desperately trying every thing I could think of to save my marriage, including RP practices, I am getting a divorce, and I'm getting counseling through out this process.

This is exact concern was something my therapist wanted to address immediately. He told me that if I want to date, to date, but to go out with multiple people, not to get exclusive with anyone for some time.

He said when people go from a serious relationship straight into a new relationship, they often experience a transference of their emotional investment from the lengthly relationship right on over to the brand new one. He says this is hugely problematic and the best way to prevent it is to see a few different people and check out options before jumping into a relationship.

BellaScarletta · 2016-07-25T13:46:49+00:00

That is a good question and something I struggle with terribly because not only am I bringing the wishes I had for a previous relationship to a new one, but also the dirty laundry too. They simultaneously get penalized and rewarded for things they haven't even done. Your friend sounds like she is talking about marriage because this new guy is doing the things that she wanted her ex to do which would have led them to being married. Conversely if he had to cancel for a date (lets say) she might be severely pissed because HE ALWAYS does this (read: projection). I struggled with this every time because what I didn't do after a break up was take time to heal. I needed to get rid of the baggage, vet appropriately, and also be mindful of the steps I take in new relationships. If you find yourself catching feelings because "wow my ex never would have done that to me" there is a problem.

BellaScarletta · 2016-07-25T14:51:30+00:00

Waiting between relationships (until I knew I was fully 'over' and had moved on from the previous one) is something that always helped me avoid treating a new relationship as more of an 'expansion release' of my previous one.

I haven't had many relationships, and they were all different from each other in several important ways (both good and bad). I actually think of my current relationship as my first 'real one' for several reasons (not only in overall structure and dynamic, but also with how we both approached things in general). I knew very early on that he was going to be in charge (that's just his personality - he took care of things and let me know right away that he'd handle logistics etc), and it was far more enjoyable for me (from the start) to just relax and enjoy the process. He wasn't interested to see if I could plan a nice date from start to finish, or a weekend away. He wanted to see if I made an effort to be pleasant and thoughtful and how I chose to supplement the things he planned.

It takes time for me to feel really comfortable and at ease in a relationship (not in a "I'm lazy now and will never dress up" way - but more in a "I can fully exhale, and feel at ease, and just react organically to everything"). For better or worse, it takes a while for me to feel familiar with another person - and I think that's always worked to my benefit when it comes to this particular issue.

Everything in a new relationship seems very 'blinding' to me almost, and I feel all the 'unknowns' very keenly. It's not at all unpleasant, and the various levels of discovery are quite enjoyable. I become hyper aware that this person knows nothing about me, I'm just as much of a mystery to them as they are to me. Foods, interests, morals, personal philosophy, their ticks, and what things tend to bother them the most.

If I had to make a suggestion it would be exactly that: keep the other person in mind specifically. Be aware of exactly how much you don't know about them and are still trying to figure out. Be aware of the fact that you've never gone to their place of work, have yet to meet their family, extended family, you don't know if they tend to keep the trunk of their car organized, or if it fluctuates between clean and cluttered, when they do their grocery shopping and where - the items they get every time vs. the splurges. You don't know what holidays they look forward to or dread, or if they have any personal traditions. You don't know how long they take to get ready every morning vs prior to a big event, the brand of toothpaste they like, or where they eat lunch generally.

Sure, you can probably fill in some of that information, but really - a lot of the examples I listed are really only things you'll begin to think of/remember once you are living with them (or when you're spending almost every night with them). You figure out if they like to sleep with the windows open, or a fan, or if they prefer a certain side of the bed.

Early on in relationships, the other person probably looks more like a colorful, but sparsely detailed portrait. You haven't memorized the contours of their face simply by repeated, casual exposure. You haven't reached the point where you can almost see their reactions before they happen in certain situations. You don't know how best to offer support, or soothe them...you can't tell just from a glance if they're bothered by something but just don't want to talk about it vs. a look that specifically says you/that commercial just now on the radio/the heat is making them a little irritated.

And it's not that people become boring and predictable over time, it's just that you have a better understanding of how they 'work' and function. You notice things that you couldn't have observed previously, because earlier on you were simply working so hard just to take in as much as you could while trying to figure out where you stand in relation to them. You're still figuring out and wondering if your responses and reactions are making you more or less appealing to them overall. You feel a bit off-balance, and thrilled and the overwhelming theme is one of discovery. Constantly learning, and assimilating observations, and reactions, and words into your personal mental 'file' of this new and wonderful person.

Keeping things in perspective will most likely help. Ask yourself this: if you were arrested, or had something truly horrible happen to you, would your instinct be to call this person you just started seeing - or a long trusted friend or relative?

That mindset may not work for everyone, particularly women that are prone to trust anyone they've had a lengthy conversation with - but for me it always made a great deal of sense. There are maybe three people I actually trust in the world. My SO became the third (having any SO make that cut was another first for me). Not long after he made it on that list, he climbed his way to the very top of it.

Not sure if anything I've said will resonate with you or make sense, but I hope that it does. :0)

Title	How do you be sure to go back to Day 1?
Author	BellaScarletta
Upvotes	12
Comments	10
Date	July 25, 2016 1:35 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/4uim96/how_do_you_be_sure_to_go_back_to_day_1/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/how-do-you-be-sure-to-go-back-to-day-1.209760 https://theredarchive.com/post/209760