How to stop seeking validation?

HappilyMrs · 2021-06-17T22:33:46+00:00

Ahhh this is so me! It's so hard because words of affirmation are my thing, and if I dont hear praise I will just start to not bother putting in the effort because its clearly not appreciated!

q-the-light · 2021-06-17T23:04:18+00:00

If you're following Doyle's wonderful advice, I presume that you've only made changes recently since she recommends not mentioning it for the first six months - not indefinitely. If that is the case, don't worry! Keep going just as you are, making changes and doing your best, and if your partner is worth his salt he will notice and validate you of his own accord. It may take him a little while to realise what is going on enough to specifically praise it, but any good partner will eventually notice and show his gratitude thusly.

Mewster1818 · 2021-06-18T01:36:00+00:00

Depending on how your relationship is and how you broach the subject I am personally kinda iffy about this rule.

If I do something around the house that I'm particularly proud or excited about I want to share it with my husband and I do. However, it's not to fish for compliments, it's just that he's my number one person to talk to and I think it's natural to want to share positivity like that.

It can be very endearing and cute to be happy and excited about stuff, even if the topic might otherwise be kinda dull. For example, when I finally nailed a cake recipe that I'd flubbed previously I wanted to show it off to my husband. Did he care about the differences? Not really, both the messed up version and the final version were tasty enough that he liked both, but he was still happy that I was so happy about my progress.

If you really need verbal affirmation about things, I also think it's perfectly okay to express how much you appreciate when your efforts are noticed. The concept of "love languages" can definitely help bridge some barriers and increase fulfillment in a relationship, but it does require both parties to communicate what they like best. My husband prefers acts over words, I prefer quality time, one of my friends is definitely the type who likes verbal affirmation the most. Nothing wrong in my opinion about exploring that with your SO, it helps them to know what you like best and you to know what they like best.

mikeegg1 · 2021-06-18T00:03:41+00:00

Male: I look for patterns. When the kitchen/laundry/house is clean and I don’t have to do anything, I can relax. Be happy, take care of yourself, take care of our house, the rest will come. Be patient. Things didn’t get bad over night. It won’t be fixed over night.

Pola_Lita · 2021-06-17T22:16:11+00:00

I revel in the validation my husband gives me. Did Doyle say why validation was a bad thing?

Lightandlush · 2021-06-18T04:07:14+00:00

Since your hubs isn't giving you the validation you want, I would focus on the benefits your changes are giving YOU. How do YOU feel when the kitchen is all sparkly clean in the evening? Or the living room is tidy?

Im trying to work on this too! I love validation from my husband (and luckily he doles it out frequently). But sometimes I still get annoyed when he doesn't comment when I put extra effort into my appearance, or got the house extra clean, or did one of his chores.

Im trying to just focus on how these changes make me feel:

- I love looking feminine/put together during the day. It makes me feel confident and pretty and feminine.

- I love when my house is clean. It makes me feel relaxed and and at peace in my lovely home.

- I love (the very rare occasions) when I catch up on laundry. And when I have a good dinner ready for the family. It makes me feel accomplished. etc

Hope this helps!

HappilyMrs · 2021-06-18T06:31:10+00:00

I thought of something else.

Receiving well: have you ever received compliments from him badly (for example: Him- You look pretty today You- my hair is a mess/my skin is breaking out/you're only saying that because xyz)? If you've done this you've embedded the idea that compliments aren't wanted and you don't trust his opinions. He wont compliment because he knows it'll just get twisted around or not be received gracefully. If that's the case, always thank him for any compliment, and tell him it makes you feel happy when he says it.

Model it: make sure you compliment him very frequently, and dont ignore the small things he does. Once you normalise giving frequent verbal validation, it will seem more natural to him to do it too.

Foxrhapsody · 2021-06-18T13:19:03+00:00

I have the same problem. Though I’m the breadwinner in my relationship I still long for a more RP dynamic. But when I put the effort in to do the RP stuff like cleaning and looking pretty and it doesn’t get noticed it’s like “man, I’m doing all this work for nothing” and give up lol.

mannDog74 · 2021-06-23T18:22:40+00:00

It’s okay to want to be recognized for your hard work! It’s not “needy” or self aggrandizing. When I do something my husband won’t notice right away, (like organizing the pantry) I mention it and he says “awesome, good job baby!”

When I work out 5 days a week, at the end of the week sometimes I’ll say, “I worked out 5 days this week!” And he’ll say, “that’s great! Good job baby, I’m proud of you.”

I do want encouragement and acknowledgement when I do things that are hard for me. Everything in moderation, you can see where approval seeking can become burdensome and annoying in a different context.

Your husband is an asset, and can help you not by telling you what to do, but by being a positive and encouraging force in your life. You only have to keep things a secret if you are trying to manipulate him into acting a certain way. That takes WAY too much energy and you’d rather be spending that energy making your life great.

santarosa2020 · 2021-06-18T01:32:31+00:00

Teach your children to notice good things around them and compliment people. Don't suggest that they compliment you, just point out the lovely elderly woman who makes a beautiful garden down the street. Have them compliment the garden when they see her outside. Find other people around town and demonstrate this action in front of your children. Eventually your children will start complimenting you too. This gives you validation, children that will be well liked, and a happy home, all without bugging your husband for compliments.

customerservicevoice · 2021-06-18T00:02:10+00:00

i started inviting people over. nothing like having other wives gush about how clean your house is to get the validation you crave (which is totally valid, IMO) without being LOOK WHAT I DID!

my husband rarely comments on my appearance and that pisses me off so I started posting nice pics on social media. He may not saying anything but the 1k views tells me he ‘saw’ if that makes sense.

i started finding ways to make and receive my own validation.

turnedIntoAMartian · 2021-06-18T15:06:41+00:00

A little appreciation is nice... there's nothing wrong with wanting your efforts acknowledged.... ain't got nothing to do with any pill color or silly nonsense ... it's normal and healthy to want some feedback for your efforts... all this pill color silly biz got people real confused

Title	How to stop seeking validation?
Author	anothergoodbook
Upvotes	15
Comments	27
Date	June 17, 2021 9:47 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/o28sz1/how_to_stop_seeking_validation/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/how-to-stop-seeking-validation.784562 https://theredarchive.com/post/784562