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Husband won't live by his own standards

November 11, 2020

Edit: Ladies thank you for your advice! I just wanted to clear up a few things:

  1. I gave him a blow job, not hand job.
  2. What I mean by doing all of the work, is literally being only in two positions where I do the work, and positions that I don't like that much anyway. They do also hurt him a bit, but he is willing to sacrifice that for his own pleasure. If my husband does not take the time to fully recover, it only prolongs how long he can't participate fully in sex. So, having sex like this will prolong how long I go without.
  3. When I wrote this originally, I did not at all care if he masturbates. I was concerned with the hypocrisy. It felt like my husband was unwilling to live up to the rules he set for us, hence the title.

We also did end up having a talk about this. He essentially agreed that it was unfair of him to break the rules he set. That he didn't want me to feel like I was prohibited from masturbating. But, that we would both try to do it less often. We would ask each other for sex before we did it (which he failed to do last time. I take pride in that I do not turn my husband down when he asks for intimacy and at least give him a blow job.)

That said, I have additional concerns that I didn't voice. After last night, it seems like his habit has actually changed how pleasureful he finds sex to be. I'm not sure if I should just wait and see if this fades or bring it up.


How old are you (and how old is your partner) and how familiar are you with RPW?

I am 29, my husband is 29, and I am very familiar with RPW. The authority balance in our relationship comes very naturally.

What is your relationship status?

I have been married for six years, dated for three before that. We live together and have a very active sex life.

What is the problem? (Don’t badmouth your SO!)

Weeks ago my husband caught me masturbating. We were long distance when we began, and we never discussed masturbation once we moved in together. So by "caught" I mean I thought I was acting appropriately and he did not. It was clear that it was a huge hit to his self-esteem and he was distraught. He said that he feels any masturbation takes away from the marriage. He admitted that he did sometimes, but felt guilty about it. I didn't agree with the principle, but I did agree not to masturbate. He also agreed not to masturbate.

A few weeks of not masturbating was, I thought, really good. I went out of my way to buy sexy things and create sexy scenarios. We were having a really good, mutual time. We both have high sex drives so this was like 6-8 times per week.

But then his chronic pain flared up a bit, and we took a few days of breather, just to help him recover. When we started back up, he expected me to do all of the work because he was still in some pain. That was a quick turn off, so I suggested we wait until he was fully recovered, but he didn't want to do that. I just finished him.

He was acting different during, so I asked if he had been masturbating and he admitted that he had been, a few times. I was upset at the hypocrisy, not the act itself. Now I feel like I am in this weird position where I feel entitled to know what he's doing with himself and to take it personally--even though I don't actually care if he masturbates. I actually think our sex life could suffer if I start to masturbate again, but I can't stand the idea of abstaining when he won't.

He says it's best that we should just do what we want to.

I feel neglected and manipulated. Like my needs are secondary, I am supposed to abstain, and he won't put the effort in. And I'm not sure if it's fair to feel that way.

How have you contributed to the problem?

I honestly don't know. I feel like I did everything I could. I guess that's why I am reaching out for help.

How long has this been an issue?


What have you done to resolve this problem?

I feel like I have really put in an effort to see things his way, and act as we agreed to. I put in the effort to make our sex life more exciting, and the effort to control myself.

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Post Information
Title Husband won't live by his own standards
Author FragrantHyd
Upvotes 24
Comments 24
Date November 11, 2020 9:02 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWives
Archive Link
Original Link
Red Pill terms in post

[–][deleted]  (11 children) | Copy Link


[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]FragrantHyd[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I mean, I think any diligent Captain understands that sexual pleasure needs to be mutual for both people to be happy.

[–]tirednurse9692 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I look forward to learning from you ladies, too. In her shoes, I would be heartbroken.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

How did he cut her off sexually? It sounds like he's in pain and she cut herself off because she doesn't like doing all the work?

I mean I understand that and I don't like doing that either, but I don't see how he's "cut her off".

[–]FragrantHyd[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I hope the edit kind of clears this up for you. He did cut me off in a way, by choosing to prolong his pain for his pleasure, knowing this reduces mine. Not really outright cutting off though.

[–][deleted]  (5 children) | Copy Link


[–]anonymouscausefuckU8 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I think with masturbation it’s good for it not to be too frequent of a habit so that your as much of your sexual energy can be harnessed into sex with your partner as possible. But there are naturally going to be extenuating circumstances where sex isn’t possible logistically, and I think times like that it’s a bit illogical to ask your partner not to masturbate. My best suggestion is to try to impress that lack of logic upon him.

[–]FragrantHyd[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm honestly surprised to say I think I agree with you. Ultimately, it was the lack of logic that I think brought him around.

[–]anonymouscausefuckU0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

So he’s come around then you mean?

[–]the_spiraline5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I think putting an arbitrary rule in place like "no masturbation" is unfair and impossible for either of you to live up to. I'd be curious to know where he got this belief from. There are times when your sex life will be great, and other times (illness, injury, kids, someone goes out of town etc.) where it won't be and you'll have to either take matters into your own hands or go without. That's just reality, and it shouldn't be an issue unless your masturbation habits are actually interfering with your sex life. Marriage is a lifetime commitment, and monitoring what your spouse does with their own body in private for the rest of your lives seems extreme to me.

[–]FragrantHyd[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

impossible for either of you to live up to.

That's probably the truth right there.

unless your masturbation habits are actually interfering with your sex life.

And I don't think my habits were.

I agree with you, is I guess what I'm saying.

[–]_trixie_firecracker_31 - 5 years married, 7 total2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Have you considered mutual masturbation as a way for you to both feel satisfied while maintaining a sense of intimacy and connection?

[–]FragrantHyd[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I have suggested that. He doesn't like to watch. I think it affects his self-esteem somehow. That may be irrational, but it seems like it is also very emotionally painful for him.

[–][deleted] -5 points-4 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Are you more concerned with the fact that he masturbated, or that things are "unequal"?

Chasing equality in a relationship with a man is only going to leave you disappointed. If you were ok with him masturbating before he asked you not to, then I would advise you to just let it go. He has his own reasons for wanting what he wants from you. You yourself said that when you stopped masturbating you became more sexual and adventurous with him. Win win, right?

What do you actually lose when he masturbates? It sounds like this is a temporary thing while he isn't able to have normal sex with you. The man is in pain, and you cut off sex for him because doing all the work is a turn-off. What do you expect him to do?

[–]FragrantHyd[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Are you more concerned with the fact that he masturbated, or that things are "unequal"?

That things are unequal, you're right.

when you stopped masturbating you became more sexual and adventurous with him.

Not really. I am always available to him, I take pride in that. I did put in extra effort because of the conflict we had. That wasn't motivated by a lack of masturbating, but concern that he wanted more effort.

The man is in pain, and you cut off sex for him because doing all the work is a turn-off. What do you expect him to do?

I don't expect him to not masturbate. I expect him to allow me to masturbate when he cuts me off. I never cut him off.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think getting hung up on the idea of fairness in a marriage is not going to be a good idea. This tit-for-tat mentality is what kills love and respect.

He hasn't done anything awful to you, if you value an RP dynamic in your marriage you should defer to your husband.

[–]_trixie_firecracker_31 - 5 years married, 7 total-2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have no idea why you are getting downvoted. I think your take on this situation is correct - the root of the issue seems to be a perceived unfairness.

[–]_Anarchon_-4 points-3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Correct on all counts

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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