Edit: Ladies thank you for your advice! I just wanted to clear up a few things:
- I gave him a blow job, not hand job.
- What I mean by doing all of the work, is literally being only in two positions where I do the work, and positions that I don't like that much anyway. They do also hurt him a bit, but he is willing to sacrifice that for his own pleasure. If my husband does not take the time to fully recover, it only prolongs how long he can't participate fully in sex. So, having sex like this will prolong how long I go without.
- When I wrote this originally, I did not at all care if he masturbates. I was concerned with the hypocrisy. It felt like my husband was unwilling to live up to the rules he set for us, hence the title.
We also did end up having a talk about this. He essentially agreed that it was unfair of him to break the rules he set. That he didn't want me to feel like I was prohibited from masturbating. But, that we would both try to do it less often. We would ask each other for sex before we did it (which he failed to do last time. I take pride in that I do not turn my husband down when he asks for intimacy and at least give him a blow job.)
That said, I have additional concerns that I didn't voice. After last night, it seems like his habit has actually changed how pleasureful he finds sex to be. I'm not sure if I should just wait and see if this fades or bring it up.
How old are you (and how old is your partner) and how familiar are you with RPW?
I am 29, my husband is 29, and I am very familiar with RPW. The authority balance in our relationship comes very naturally.
What is your relationship status?
I have been married for six years, dated for three before that. We live together and have a very active sex life.
What is the problem? (Don’t badmouth your SO!)
Weeks ago my husband caught me masturbating. We were long distance when we began, and we never discussed masturbation once we moved in together. So by "caught" I mean I thought I was acting appropriately and he did not. It was clear that it was a huge hit to his self-esteem and he was distraught. He said that he feels any masturbation takes away from the marriage. He admitted that he did sometimes, but felt guilty about it. I didn't agree with the principle, but I did agree not to masturbate. He also agreed not to masturbate.
A few weeks of not masturbating was, I thought, really good. I went out of my way to buy sexy things and create sexy scenarios. We were having a really good, mutual time. We both have high sex drives so this was like 6-8 times per week.
But then his chronic pain flared up a bit, and we took a few days of breather, just to help him recover. When we started back up, he expected me to do all of the work because he was still in some pain. That was a quick turn off, so I suggested we wait until he was fully recovered, but he didn't want to do that. I just finished him.
He was acting different during, so I asked if he had been masturbating and he admitted that he had been, a few times. I was upset at the hypocrisy, not the act itself. Now I feel like I am in this weird position where I feel entitled to know what he's doing with himself and to take it personally--even though I don't actually care if he masturbates. I actually think our sex life could suffer if I start to masturbate again, but I can't stand the idea of abstaining when he won't.
He says it's best that we should just do what we want to.
I feel neglected and manipulated. Like my needs are secondary, I am supposed to abstain, and he won't put the effort in. And I'm not sure if it's fair to feel that way.
How have you contributed to the problem?
I honestly don't know. I feel like I did everything I could. I guess that's why I am reaching out for help.
How long has this been an issue?
What have you done to resolve this problem?
I feel like I have really put in an effort to see things his way, and act as we agreed to. I put in the effort to make our sex life more exciting, and the effort to control myself.