Dr. Jen Gunter is an OB/GYN and a pain medicine physician. She recently turned 50 and has some great advice to share...and also some not so great advice.

Here is a link to the article. I haven't looked around her blog extensively yet (though I both laughed and loved the fact that she's actively denouncing Paltrow's 'vagina steaming' nonsense craze and Kim Kardashian's advice to apply vitamin E in your vagina).

In her "I'm 50" article, Dr. Gunter makes some solid suggestions that are very practical. I want to focus specifically on the portion of the article that I have the biggest issue with:

Don’t change your physical appearance for your partner. They shouldn’t be thinking of ways you could look better, “If you only had…” are four of the worst words I have heard in a relationship. If they want someone with straight hair or bigger breasts, if those things matter that much to them, then they should have chosen someone who looks that way to begin with. If they have caveats to your physical appearance then they are thinking of themselves and not you. If you like straight hair or want bigger breasts for you great, just don’t change yourself for someone else.

I disagree with just about every word here, and I'll explain why.

Don’t change your physical appearance for your partner.

I fundamentally think it's BS to say that it's only ever healthy to change your appearance for yourself. Considering the opinion, likes, and dislikes of your SO/spouse is not unhealthy. We alter our physical appearance all the time to comply with social expectations of friends, family, and coworkers. It would be unprofessional for a woman to wear clothes that are overly revealing to the office, for someone to attend the opera in sweat pants, there are numerous situations where we actively change our appearance to fit in, get along, and get ahead. We tell our children they have to abide dress-codes at school, and we expect friends to spend time and money on their appearance in order to participate in wedding ceremonies. I have one thing to say to any working woman that will adhere to dress code expectations at the office, but refuses to even consider behaving in a similar manner for an SO/spouse. "You are a prostitute. You change your appearance for money, but not for love." Somehow I don't see Dr. Gunter quitting her job because, as a doctor she's expected to present herself in a certain way for her profession.

The truth is, there are lots of situations where the people we love, have friendships with, and work with have varying expectations that we can, do, and must comply with for many reasons. This fictional thought process that mysteriously draws the line between 'acceptable' and 'unacceptable' when it comes to an SO/spouse looks like an attempt to immediately paint any thought a woman pays to her man's preferences as out of control and unreasonable.

They shouldn’t be thinking of ways you could look better, “If you only had…” are four of the worst words I have heard in a relationship.

"It's wrong for the man you love to see ways for you to improve." If Dr. Gunter has had trying relationships riddled with conflict, than that is unfortunate, and I do agree that things can go too far. What is 'normal' and 'preferable' to me, may be 'overbearing' to another woman. Again, this is why /u/Camille11325's relationship dynamics series is so wonderful. We have new terms and ways of looking at these things and how they are expressed within various relationships.

Now, I personally would be crushed if Occam were indifferent to my appearance, or if he was content to let me gain weight, and neglect my appearance. As an employed adult, I have to maintain a certain base appearance for the overall health/success of my business. The same applies to my relationship. I want to look good for Occam, and I enjoy knowing that I'm doing everything I can to look visually appealing to him specifically.

When women are single, they spend hours considering what dress to wear, how to style their hair etc...simply on the off-chance that they will run into a guy that sparks their interest. That effort continues during the early stages of meeting someone as well. Why is it that women are not only content, but complicit with a process that says "try really hard for a stranger...and the more you grow to care for him, not only should you try less you should also be upset if he has opinions!" ? It makes zero sense to me.

If they want someone with straight hair or bigger breasts, if those things matter that much to them, then they should have chosen someone who looks that way to begin with.

I don't even know where to start with this particular nugget...it's so outlandish. What if the woman initially wore her hair straight, and then stopped straightening it? Is it okay in that instance for the man to prefer her hair to be straightened? Having physical preferences (ideals) always has to be balanced with the actual personality of the person they date. Lots of men will make concessions in one area, in favor of other things. Furthermore, women do the same thing!

A lot goes into figuring out Needs vs Wants, and it's rare to meet someone that ticks off every box when it comes to both personality and appearance. I think of self-improvement as a never ending process, similar to learning. I am always going to be a work in progress. There will always be something new for me to learn, and some way for me to improve. This isn't a bad, oppressive, or self-defeating mindset. Again, you can get to extremes that are unhealthy...but I think everyone can agree that there is quite a big difference between "preferring straight hair" and "buy bigger boobs."

Now, I'm sure the opinions on this topic specifically will vary. I keep my hair long, Occam likes it, and I had been growing it out anyway before meeting him. I have zero plans to ever cut my hair to sit above my shoulders. My hair is naturally fine and straight, I know Occam likes volume and texture - so I try to create that in various ways from time to time.

The way I see it, if he really wanted my chest to be bigger, I'd be fine with it. If having a bigger chest is going to drive him crazy with desire (more so than he already feels), then why would I automatically dismiss the possibility? I'd want to research and find a fantastic surgeon, the size would have to look good on me for my height etc, and he'd be the one footing the bill. We've actually talked about stuff like this, and other things.

Here's the thing, when you have a solid and healthy relationship, you can talk about anything really and have productive conversations (that generally lead to learning more about each other). I have no fears that he's suddenly going to start wanting me to throw myself under the knife, because I understand him, his personality, and his values. He's earned my trust. Not only that, he's the person I trust most in the world.

Which is why I have another problem with this comment. Dr. Gunter doesn't take any of that [vetting, trust] into account. She flat states that a man wanting a woman to change is 'bad' - end of story, goodnight. There's no room to consider several really important aspects that go into figuring out if the preference/desire is reasonable or unreasonable.

If they have caveats to your physical appearance then they are thinking of themselves and not you.

This part made me laugh. It's so disingenuous and full of hot-air. Here's the thing: we all have 'conditions' - and to pretend otherwise is to deny reality. It's not "whether" a person has conditions/preferences, it's "will they stay (and for how long) if/when those conditions/preferences are chronically ignored?"

People have pain thresholds, limitations when it comes to patience, and everyone's attraction will be affected after a certain point. I want to be with someone that not only sees my potential, but encourages me to be at my best. Again, (I feel the need to continually repeat this because I can already hear people piping up with extreme and clearly ridiculous examples) there's a spectrum that goes from 'mild' to 'insane.'

I know that if I am unfaithful, the relationship will end. I know that if I gain 80 lbs - well, he's going to pipe up and say something the minute he feels less attracted to me (which is good!). I don't ever want to have to sheepishly ask (ie probe for reassurance) and say "do you think I'm pretty?" I want to always know that my man finds me alluring based on how he reacts to seeing me move around. I enjoy knowing that he's drawn to me, and relish how much we flirt with each other. If anything starts to affect our dynamic in a negative way, and there's something I can do about it to make things better - why on earth would I see that as a bad thing?

Supposedly we're not talking about some random FWB or fling - she specifically says 'partner' so the assumption is that this is a person that has been vetted, you love, trust etc etc etc. Everyone should want to be with a person that has standards - because if they would literally date anyone...you aren't someone they specifically desired. You are just convenient.

It goes back to the idea of sluts for men. They're happy for the easy lay - but they don't want to 'wife' the woman that will literally put out for anyone with the right anatomy. No one brags about getting into a club that literally admits anyone that shows up - you only get excited when the exclusive/hard to get access to club lets you past the velvet rope. Who cares that you 'won' a race when everyone is given a trophy just for showing up? People want to know that they are with someone desirable, someone with standards, integrity, etc that enhance the way they think of themselves and improves their life overall in ways that they have defined as important.

I didn't play sports so I could rack up 'participation' ribbons, schools shouldn't hand out degrees for 'good class attendance' - so why would I want to date a man that has no standards and would be just as happy with a healthy/put together woman as he would an extremely unkempt, careless, and overweight woman?

If you like straight hair or want bigger breasts for you great, just don’t change yourself for someone else.

In other words...it's okay for women to be selfish, but not selfless and take into account the preferences of the man they claim to love.

I didn't expect to ramble on for as long as I did, and hopefully this [mostly] makes sense. What are your thoughts and opinions?