BSC's Guide to Girl Game
Howdy howdy fellow RPws (: We have a new flair category for posts that I know I am rather excited about -- girl game!
Girl Game is a pretty encompassing topic that continues well into how you conduct yourself in a relationship, but for this post I would like to offer my tips and tricks for the beginning stages of girl game for the single RPW, and being approached, rather than doing the approaching, and making sure it is the right man that your vibes are pulling in.
Fundamentals are the building blocks of fun, and we preach presentation around here an awful lot. They say not to judge a book by its cover, but I've found that to be a pretty inaccurate turn of phrase -- what the heck else are you supposed to judge a book by?? Especially when we depart the metaphor and acknowledge we are not talking about books, we are talking about people, and people do not come with synposis written on their spines (bonus question: what would life be like if they did???)
Nope. Your back will not have a sign that says "Hello there! I am a single woman with traditional values; I enjoy cooking and maintaining a pleasant living atmosphere, and truly believe in the power of a healthy relationship and the role selflessness plays!" -- unfortunately, as far as the world is concerned, you're just another chick in sweats with a dgaf top bun going on. Let's not be that girl, hm?
Actions speak louder than words, and you need to act as if you are a well put together woman with a well put together life, and that includes your wardrobe and makeup and hair. You don't need to dress to the 9s ever day (I sure don't). Just don't look lazy, alright?
Be Intentional with your Energy
I don't know who else can relate, but when I have found myself single and in the 'meeting mood', the men -- they come flocking. When I am in a relationship or even just single and sour that day, I receive no attention. This happens regardless of my attire, and no matter how well I dress, if my heart isn't out there then its signals are not getting picked up on.
I would attribute the bulk of this to your approachability energy. I am a very outgoing person, but I know many are not so I will try and explain what it is and how to be approachable. Being approachable can be an intentional effort, or an unintentional one. I know I naturally put out approachable vibes, and actually have had to work on toning down my subliminal messaging. When your single, you want to be intentional with this and use it to your advantage.
It can be in the way you move, be aware of your body and the gracefulness with which you move. I'm not talking full on sensual swinging hips ala Meg in Hercules, but I am talking about the lightness with which you walk, or handle your groceries, or anything. Looking light and aloof will do much more for you than being brusk and laser-focussed. Be a part of your surroundings, not a self-contained unit. It can also be a part of how you dress from above; a girl in sweats and a top bun with a resting bitch face looks like she has a purpose and doesn't give a crap about anything beyond that purpose. A girl dressed nicely and in no particular rush looks far less likely to brush a conversationalist off.
Playing off that: Eye Contact
Eye Contact is YUGEEEE. Do not be afraid of it. I repeat: do not be afraid of it. Eye contact will set you free, ladies, believe me on this one.
I'm not talking full blown staring, I'm talking the quickest of all demure glances, less than a second. So quick, you leave him wondering if you even looked at all...but now he is wondering.
I'm going to come back to this when it comes to having the approach made, but let me stick to your energy for the moment.
This goes for women as well, don't be afraid to strike up a conversation with another woman! In a similar way that men being around women offers social proof, so too does a woman being around women (note: not men). Think about a 30 second interaction with a stranger lady in the store. You are looking for one item, she asks if her cart is in your way, you make a light joke about being so overwhelmed you have no idea! She makes a joke about the struggles of shopping and not forgetting the one item you seriously came here for, you both laugh and move along. What have you gained from this interaction? Well, first and foremost, a pleasant few moments and an authentic smile that will hopefully last you at least the walk down next aisle. But perhaps you were being noticed, and your pleasant nature was really able to shine with no concerted effort on your part, aside from being the lovely person you are!
Just keep an openness to you, for men and women, old and young. The benefit of this is not only pleasant interactions that I find really fuel my mood, but also that your efforts will not be so try-hard when it comes time to talk with a prospective suitor, and you'll be loosened up from the diversity of small exchanges here and there throughout your day.
Alright. It's time. You've seen him. The hunk in the coffee line that you're a little too sure may be the future father of your children, but hey, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
What do you do? He's waiting for his coffee. You're waiting for yours; you have approximately 120 seconds or less to make your move lest you lose him forever. But how can you make a move without being dominating?? HE'S GUNNA GET AWAY!
Time to dial it back, and take it back to basics. Eye contact. It's all about the eye contact. I swear to god, this mindnumbingly simple maneuver has secured me more intro conversations than I can count. If you are confused because it seems too stupid and simple...then you are doing it right. Here it goes.
Keep sneaking glances at Mr. Hunk. No need for them to be long or painfully awkward, just get seen looking over his way. The second you achieve even a split second of contact, look away and allow yourself to smile or express happiness in some small way. Just trust that he is looking at you. Twirl a piece of hair if you're getting really into it (definitely not necessary lol, just thought I would throw it in for the enthusiast). Now here is the closer: just look back at him. He will be waiting for this, and if you make eye contact again, give him a direct smile. Just something dainty, not a big ol' toothy grin. I won't work 100% of the time, but I would say a solid 8/10 this is all that is required to win an approach.
Talk to Him
You got him to approach you, but you didn't plan any further than that. Whoops! No worries, keep it simple. You don't need any super sophisticated punchlines, or pre-constructed scripts. Just maintain that lightness you've been working on so hard all day. If possible, slip into the conversation just one thing you enjoy. Just one teeny thing. Nice weather? Mention how much you like walking for exercise when the sun is out. Good coffee? Mention that you love tasting new blends and learning how they are prepared. Something comes up about traffic? Say you enjoy the silverlining of listening to x, y, or z genre while you wait. All you're going for here is to firstly personify yourself a little bit -- you are a person with interests, after all. And two, give him something to grab onto for to bond with you. All he needs is a little seed to lead the conversation and find things you have in common, or could grow to have in common ("wow I haven't heard that band, I'll give them a listen!").
Part Two: Seal the Deal
To end the interaction successfully, hopefully with a number or some way to get in contact again, the above may be all that is necessary. When possible, I suggest giving your number rather than receiving his. I'm sure there are arguments to be made the other way around, but I like giving him the ability to set the pace of interactions and also quickly establishing myself as following his lead. Start small, he isn't your captain yet, but in low-risk situations it is always best to let the tone default to his leadership.
If he hasn't gone in for the kill, and the conversation is drawing to a close, you have two choices. The most recommended is making a comment like "Well it was a pleasure meeting you, I hope this isn't our last conversation". It sounds more intentional and direct than a "k see ya!", and lets him know you are interested without taking the wheel yourself. The second choice is a little more bold, but I still think it's passive enough to not be overkill: give him a business card and reference something in the conversation like "well, maybe you can let me know more about that hiking trail sometime" and leave it at that. For whatever reason, I do find the tone to be significantly less overbearing if it's a business card as opposed to you thirstily writing down your number and shoving it at him. If you don't have a business card, maybe find some way to keep your number handy. This, however, may be open to some criticism that even that is too forward; I think it's fine done right but perhaps not. Hopefully, the rest of the interaction has been sufficiently pleasant enough that he asked and you don't have to worry about this part at all.
The Last Step
Lather, rinse, repeat!
Keep that openness and approachability to your energy while you're single. It puts you out there and makes you a viable option to the literally hundreds of wonderful men that walk past you every day. Don't be afraid to pass out your number to multiple men, or even going on multiple first dates. For more on that, I would direct you to Laura Doyle's "The Surrendered Single". In fact, I would direct you there either way.
Enjoy those tips for me, they are delightfully useless to me now (: