Hi Ladies, I have always had issues with depression and anxiety. And I have relied on my husband to be stronger than me, so when I reach my breaking point, he is there to help and support me.

I have noticed that when I sense that my husband is not at his best- when he is tired/ frazzled/ stressed/ frustrated etc, I shit test like crazy (by feeling and acting irritated at him).

I think it is an anxiety response- in my anxious mind, if he is tired/ stressed etc, he won't be able to support me, and then I am on my own, and can't rely on him, so then why should I act submissive/respectful/obedient to him.

So I shit test (usually by saying things in an obviously annoyed tone) with the results being either 1) he passes the shit test (which I want because it shows me he is still in control and can take care of me OR 2) he fails the shit test (which shows my anxious mind that I can't rely on him and I have to be the strong one, which makes me feel so anxious and irritated and display increasingly disrespectful/ power-grabbing behavior).

The crazy thing is that even being aware of all of this, the impulse for me to shit test is so strong, I continue to do it, even if it means I am acting disrespectfully towards my husband. I feel like I fail as a "surrendered wife" because I try to control that impulse, but I so desperately desire for my husband to show me that he is stronger/ dominant over me, that I continue to do it.

Any advice or input? Does anyone else feel they doing anything similar?

Please note I am not trying to justify my disrespectful behavior (it makes me feel INCREDIBLY GUILTY and b*tchy honestly), but I do feel I am starting to understand the cause...