My husband said he didn’t want kids.

AllegedHoarder · 2020-01-05T17:10:38+00:00

First, I am so sorry. Second, look at the decision is shifting, versus being taken away from you.

Your decision has now shifted, to do you want children, or do you want this particular husband?

I’ve had friends in their upper 20s to mid 30s, find guys and have kids with them in short order on sites like eHarmony.

ETA: you’re 100% right to be upset and I truly hope 2020 is the year you get your heart’s desire.

AngelFire_3_14156 · 2020-01-05T17:11:31+00:00

I'd be taken aback as well, to say the least.

I would start out with sitting down with him and having a heart-to-heart talk. Find out what his thought process is and why he's reluctant. My guess is that he may have a commitment issue. It's one thing to commit to you, and another to commit to having a child. And it is a big commitment.

What are your expectations? Is this a deal breaker for you? Is this a deal breaker for him?

I think you both really need to lay your cards on the table and talk this out.

Good luck!

Zegiknie · 2020-01-05T18:08:11+00:00

He either married you under false pretenses or changed something too big to ignore.

Find out which and find out why. Is he newly red pillled? Traumatized by something? Is this 100% sure?

Don't have kids with someone who doesn't want them. I'm not quick to point to divorce, but if you want kids and he is decided, leave quickly.

Couples I know with one reluctant parent struggle. It's ugly. Kids suffer most.

lizabellejane · 2020-01-05T19:17:12+00:00

You are 28. Get a divorce immediately you have plenty of time to find a new husband. Having kids is the best thing in my life. If you are ok never having kids stay with him but otherwise get out now.

StepfordInTexas · 2020-01-05T19:04:37+00:00

The person who says no to kids wins. There is no compromise. Even if you “convince” him. At this point, you cannot have children with this man.

Do you want to continue being married if that means never having the family you want?

mgtowwotgm · 2020-01-06T05:01:35+00:00

If you are sure you want kids then leave him Now.

teaandtalk · 2020-01-06T02:09:10+00:00

Oh, you poor love. I'm so sorry to hear this, what a difficult situation.

Everyone below is right... there's really no compromise on having kids. If he doesn't want them, and you do, then you can't have them - together.

If he is truly serious about this, it's okay to have it be a dealbreaker. If you definitely want to have kids, you need to do it soon, not in a sometimes-maybe-ten-years-time; so maybe you guys can't be together.

Good luck.

phoenixtycho · 2020-01-27T21:12:11+00:00

My husband did nearly this exact same thing to me.

I was freshly 23 and we had only been married for a few months. Husband was 25. So we were young and freshly married at the time. We had always talked about kids, but I realized later that I was the one talking during those discussions. He never seemed too interested. I figured this was because we were young and just married. Still didn't have a house, etc. Then my husband sits me down and says he doesnt want kids. I think I had always seen myself as a mother. He knew I wanted kids really badly. I had a meltdown. I was heart broken. I sobbed. He cried too, because he didn't like seeing me so emotional. We talked all night and finally decided we would have one child, but we would want a long time (like 10 years from the discussion) so we could have a house and save financially.

Since that conversation, I really started to think more about children. I did a lot of self-searching about children. I think I always grew up wanting children because they are cute and they are expected from a woman. A woman is expected to want children. I have three younger brothers who I essentially helped raise while my parents had a very messy divorce. I was 11 when they got divorced and my brothers were 9, 6, and 4. I basically raised them during the divorce. I protected them from the divorce. I had that burden on my shoulders. Having three brothers meant I was surrounded by children too. Friends came over to visit all the time. I was used to the screaming and the fighting and the mess of children.

Then I got older. After my husband broke the news how he didn't want kids, and after our talk where we decided we would have one kid in the future, I did a lot of thinking on my own about kids. I came to the conclusion that I didn't really want kids either. I think I wanted them because I was expected to want them. But, in reality, children are cute but they are a mess. They are loud and messy. I roll my eyes when they have a tantrum for no reason. Sure, they are cute and bubbly sometimes, but they also yell and scream and cry. They also cost so much money. Money that could be used to travel the world or buy luxury items.

I thought about this on my own for two years. I really thought about it deep down and I came to the realization that I wanted things more than I wanted kids. I wanted to travel the world with my husband, I wanted to adopt dogs and cats, I wanted a nice clean house with minimal clutter and white design elements, I wanted to stay out late if I wanted to, I wanted to sleep in on a lazy sunday with my husband if I wanted to, I wanted to have sex in the middle of the day if I wanted to.

My husband approached me again...like a month ago. He started crying. He said he thought about it more and he really, honestly, didn't want kids. He said he thought about that agreement we made and it wasn't making him happy. He said he came to that agreement because I was sobbing. I was so heartbroken and he wanted me to be happy. But having a kid wasn't what would make him happy. I told him i had been thinking and I didn't want kids as much as i thought i did. I wanted so many other things more. I was going to be surrounded by nieces and nephews when my younger brothers eventually have their own children. We could be the rich aunt and uncle who travel the world together. Husband and I have never been closer. He is getting a vasectomy later this year. I'm donating my eggs after.

This was a long rambling story but i wanted to share it with you so you could see you're not alone. The important thing here is that my husband communicated with me. When he said he didn't want kids, he sat me down and told me. Both times. It sounds like your husband just sprang the vasectomy on you with little warning ahead of time. He didn't communicate that he didnt want kids, he just tried to keep pushing the timeline back. It's important that you guys communicate with each other. Maybe some therapy would help to get you guys talking with a third party present. If kids is such an important thing to you and such a hard no for him, a divorce might be the best step, honestly. It's hard to admit that though. Couples therapy would help a lot. Good luck :)

Silva_Shadow · 2020-01-06T00:04:43+00:00

Break up with him. He has every right to change his mind about having kids with you, but you have limited time, go find a man that will have kids, but don't cheat on this man, break up with him.

Dumbusernamerules · 2020-01-06T10:38:12+00:00

You both gave different goals. That’s okay but it’s also time to part ways.

pinkdrawings · 2020-01-06T19:23:33+00:00

I do not like to ever recommend divorce, but not being on the same page about kids is a deal breaker. You will never be happy and it is not good captain behavior to not talk to you about that.

Lemon_tine · 2020-01-24T06:47:49+00:00

Oh girl, drop him like a sack of potatoes.

baby--bunny · 2020-01-06T00:51:35+00:00

I would really get to the bottom of why he doesn't want kids, instead of just divorcing him. That feels dramatic and ignores all the realities (emotional and practical) of being in a relationship. Is it still money? Childhood issues? Loss of freedom? Feeling too suburban (wife, kids, white picket fence...) Afraid of being a bad dad? Help him get to the why, and determine if it's something he's willing to work through. Is he open to fostering or adoption, maybe older kids? Are you?

I get the pain and the feeling of choice being taken away from you. My fiance didn't want kids, I was very much on the fence but felt like any choice I made would be a bit biased by his opinion. Despite any sort of abstract feelings about children, he had a lot of positive things to say whenever he brought up the topic of children, had a lot of strong opinions on how he would hypothetically raise children, how many hypothetical children he wanted, etc. Well now we have a little surprise on the way so that's that.

I feel like children are such a woman's domain personally. I mean, I have know a handful of men who are super eager to have children, but in my experience they are either not very desirable or masculine men, or they wind up having non-traditional relationships with bitter over-worked wives. My point is, there are some men out there eager to start families but not most. I feel that birth control sort of gave us too much say in the matter (not that there aren't benefits.) It used to be, for most of time, that children were a natural consequence of regular sex, and good men stepped up, shitty ones didn't, and if you didn't want to, you didn't get involved with a woman. I feel like most men, on some animal level, still feel and react that way. Women want babies. Men want sex. Of course given the technology men would prefer just sex and no babies. That being said, even if a man is not super eager to have babies I wouldn't right him off. Like I said, my fiance said he didn't want them with one breath and the other he gave me the go ahead to stop birth control, never bought condoms, and stopped pulling out. If he had bought condoms or made a huge final decision to physically never have kids .. well that would be a big decision. I would tell other women like yourself to leave, but not sure if I would be so strong myself lol.

Title	My husband said he didn’t want kids.
Author	boop_my_nose_
Upvotes	25
Comments	34
Date	January 5, 2020 5:02 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/ekfmmw/my_husband_said_he_didnt_want_kids/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/my-husband-said-he-didnt-want-kids.304232 https://theredarchive.com/post/304232