He says he loves me but he's actually lying and one day I'll find out he's been dating another girl along with me and because I've invested my heart, my heart will be broken. Also, he's overly devoted. Also, he's overly detached. Also, he's not manly enough because he's gentle. Also, he's too manly because he's driven. Also^also^also^also
Oh my brain.
Many nights it goes off like this, and I squash the horrid rambling as much as I can. On the rare occasion, something of this strain bugs me so incessantly that I text him about it and always end up ashamed of having done so.
How long has this been going on, you ask? The whole relationship. Over a year.
But recently I had a personal epiphany. I literally sat bolt upright in bed at 2 am and realized that sex is my answer.
Do I ever overthink so irrationally when I'm with him? No. Do I ever overthink so irrationally recently after seeing him? Not usually. Why only "usually"? Because sometimes we don't have sex. When I sat bolt upright in bed I realized in a rush of one year's memories that it was only ever after recently having sex that I was free of my overthinking. Not after texting him, not after just seeing him, not after a cough personal session. After sex. With him. It was a perfect pattern.
We talk so often of our men needing our sexual availability, but I need it regularly too. Evidently.
- Sex grounds me. It reorients me out of my mind and into my body. It halts the overthinking and erases the unreasonable emotion.
- Sex connects us. It renews our dynamic. Through total vulnerability, it reinforces that above any little "issue" I'm overthinking about, we are a couple, we are a unit, we are committed.
- Sex makes us both happy. And it's darn fun.
It's surprisingly relaxing for me to have "solved the puzzle" of how and why my mind runs off this way. It seems that regular sex with my man keeps me rational.
I'm sharing firstly just to share, but also because it might be nice to talk about how sex affects us as women. Does being physically intimate with your partner influence you personally in some way, and how?
