Struggling with jealousy of a new friend

Rock_Granite · 2020-03-11T02:59:25+00:00

I think you need to express to your husband that you feel unappreciated. And specifically point out that you see a contrast to the admiration he gives her and the little that you get. I personally would have no qualms about refusing to do certain housework unless I was getting some pats on the back for it. There is no law that says you have to do these things. You do them from the goodness of your heart. And if nobody appreciates it, then just stop doing it.

You should also demand that no woman comes into your house when you are not there. Having her over when you are not home is just wrong. He used bad judgement here. No need to rake him over the coals about it, but he needs to know that this is unacceptable.

Lastly, do not envy this woman. She wants everything that you have and wants it badly. She is under so much stress. They do not pay you that kind of money because it is a fun job.

blackandwhitemoth · 2020-03-11T02:17:03+00:00

The Jezebel Spirit comes to mind. I think you need to trust your instinct and keep this woman away from your man and out of your home.

tropicsGold · 2020-03-11T01:56:07+00:00

You are 100% on point, she is looking to swing her way over to your man. Her behavior is predatory and she needs to go. Tell her and your husband in no uncertain terms.

If it makes you feel any better, she is desperately envious of YOUR job and she wants it. No need to feel inferior. Just pissed off at her abuse of your friendship.

isthecheesefree · 2020-03-10T23:27:36+00:00

I’m going to give you some tough love that might upset you, but I hope you can hear me out and look at what I’m saying:

Firstly, your insecurities and bitterness are coming through incredibly strong in the post. You talk about her being younger (which shouldn’t be relevant, unless you are insecure about it). What you’re describing about her “bragging” seems to just be normal dinner conversation UNLESS her attitude was rude. She didn’t bring up what exactly she does until somebody asked. She didn’t even brag about the amazing benefits first — she talked about the stresses.

It sounds to me like you’re unhappy with the lack of appreciation you’re getting in your own life (being a homemaker) and are comparing yourself to this woman, and judging her for it. I say this because you seem sour when you say “I am busting my ass in a more skillful full-time job” — who’s to say that your job or hers is more skillful? Why do you feel the need to compare skills like this? You seem possibly upset that your husband was impressed by her career...but if we just look at it objectively, what she's doing IS impressive. He wasn't fawning all over her talents, I'm sure. He just had a normal reaction considering the circumstance.

I imagine that if you felt appreciated for the work you do, you wouldn’t be speaking like this. That makes me feel that you should have an honest and calm conversation with your husband and let him know that it would mean the world to you if he could acknowledge what you do in whatever way is most helpful to you (verbally, physical affection, etc). It seems like this is one of the roots of the problem, rather than her attitude.

I’ll also go out on a limb here and say that it shouldn’t really matter if she wore a revealing bathing suit — why is that an issue for you? My guess again, is insecurity. I don’t think what your husband said is inappropriate (that he is happy for his friend).

Lastly, I believe that you brought up her unhappiness in her relationship because you see her as “better” than you (you feel plain around her, your husband said she’s cute, she has a better job financially) and you’re looking for something to bring her down in your mind. The fact that she’s not happy makes YOU happy, because you don’t want her to be happy.

To wrap it all up —

I think you should work on your insecurities — unless she’s done something clearly rude that we don’t know about…it sounds like she’s just a normal woman with a different life circumstance, and you’re letting that bother you. Figure out the root of why this is.
You should talk to your husband and communicate what your emotional needs are revolving around taking care of your child and house. If you need more appreciation, there is no shame in saying so :)
I urge you to not compare yourself to other women and find ways to put them, or yourself down. (Again, this is assuming she hasn’t done anything that’s outright unkind). In life, this is such an easy way to be upset about things that don’t really matter. It will rub off on other aspects of your life. When you could be having a lovely time with your husband, your mind might be obsessing over whether or not him calling her “cute” is crossing the line or not.

I know that may have been a lot of constructive criticism…but you are clearly a dedicated woman: being in this sub and having the patience to take care of hour household isn’t something to gloss over lightly. That shows how seriously you take your life :) because of that, I think you’d be even happier if you just approached all of this with level-headedness, confidence in your worth, and communication w your husband. Insecurity can completely take over your life so it's best to nip it in the butt and address it within yourself, no matter how hard that may be.

Who knows though, maybe a little extra love and affection or verbal compliments from your husband are all you need to feel on top of the world and not feel bad during situations like these :)

Good luck!

teaandtalk · 2020-03-11T05:10:37+00:00

Other people have addressed the points about a) your insecurity and b) your feeling of being underappreciated. Both are very, very relevant, so please don't take me not discussing them to be a suggestion that they're not important - I just think they've been adequately addressed.

One thing that I haven't seen mentioned is that you seem particularly threatened by this woman expressing admiration of his manliness/handiness/pain tolerance/whatever. I would say that you wouldn't feel insecure about this if you were already on top of that yourself. (Though there is certainly an extra element when it is someone who isn't your partner commenting on this - like the difference between your mum saying you're pretty and a random person.) Do you appreciate these things to him verbally? Do you flirt with him like that? Wear cute bathing suits to show him how cute you are? Try emulating some of those aspects that threaten you, and maybe they won't anymore.

Also, your husband's friend is a closer friend to you guys than she is...but she's openly discussing how she 'wants to break free' of him? Uncool. Does his friend know about this? How is that coming up, and is it being addressed by your husband?

PristineFondant2 · 2020-03-25T18:40:28+00:00

Okay so firstly, my response isn’t going to be PC. I am in my 20’s and am single – I have been in long term relationships, never been married and no kids. I’m just going to give you my perspective. I probably have more experience as the other girl in this situation. I have been in your position before, many women have. This situation is very common, and your reactions and emotions are normal, don’t ever feel guilty or ‘bad’ for the emotional reaction your having. Having said that, leave your emotions at the door for this one and let’s look at this logically!

I’ve broken down my response in dot points:

She is insecure as a person and jealous of you:

When someone talks so much about themselves, they are the insecure one, remember that! True confidence speaks for itself. Her behaviour clearly shows that she is jealous of you, your situation, and your husband. She could envy you appearance (you could be glowing and gorgeous during your pregnancy?). If your husband is a manly man and provider, she clearly envies that and wants it for herself. She’s unhappy and looking to validate herself in any way she can. Your feelings of counter jealousy to her most likely a reaction to feeling threatened because you sense another woman wants what you have – this is good, it means your instincts are working!

She is trying to steal your man:

 This is normal if you man is of high value. Women are competitive. Don’t take it personally, take it as a compliment – but beware.
 Your man thinks she’s cute. Most men think any attractive girl is cute – no need to worry about this one. If she’s pretty, she’s pretty there’s nothing you can do about it. Level yourself up (dot point down below).
 Going over to a married man’s house to have him “fix your phone” is ridiculous and outright inappropriate.
 The thing is, people are going to cheat if they want to cheat and no one can stop them. What you can do to avoid this situation from escalating, is make sure they don’t have each other’s number and contacts and STOP inviting her over to your house for dinners…fade her out through separation.

You are jealous, and that’s okay:

Being jealous is completely normal and natural so don’t beat yourself up over a completely human reaction. Whenever I am jealous of another woman, I try to get to the core of it. Why am I jealous? Usually, it’s because that woman exhibits something that I don’t have e.g., she knows a language I want to learn, her life experiences are more exciting than mine or she’s more put together and dresses better. My thing with being jealous of someone is I stay far away from them as I can!

o Write down EXACTLY what you are jealous of and then ask yourself if this is something you want. – if it is, then do it!
o Are you the woman you want to be? Have you let yourself go physically, spiritually mentally since getting married and starting a family?

Don’t do these things:

 Don’t talk to your husband about your insecurities, it will make you look desperate and weak and make him less attracted to you.
 We all know talking to men and getting them to understand things from our perspective never works – they are not natural listeners and nurtures. You will be frustrated by his response and it wont fix anything. Women like to talk, men like action. Stop doing things that women respond to because your husband is a man.
 Don’t wallow in self-pity, use the feelings of jealousy to propel you to the next step in your journey

What you need to do:

 Level up: you said you feel plain compared to her. Do you mean physically or all round?

If you’re feeling plain, it’s time to start valuing yourself and looking and feeling your best. I know you have kids a full-time job and husband and home to take care of and I can imagine the stress that all that stuff brings but taking care of yourself is of utmost importance.

Improve, workout every day, lose weight if you have to, get your hair and nails done, where makeup every day, update your wardrobe, throw out all ugly underwear and bras and buy sexy lingerie sets for YOURSELF, read that book you’ve been meaning to read, go out with your girlfriends on the weekend for cocktails (if you can) and get in touch with your superpower: femininity.

o You said she wore a revealing bathing suit, why can’t you?
o When you look your best, you feel your best. You think your husband likes worldly women, okay so become worldly: plan a trip, learn about different countries, start studying again if that what you want to, learn a new language on Duolingo!

Put yourself and your kids first:

When you husband sees you focusing more on yourself and sees an improvement in appearance, he will naturally start focusing on you more. Also, I know he’s your husband but who cares what he thinks? You’re an accomplished amazing woman already! You don’t need his approval; you don’t need anyone’s approval but your own. Do you approve of yourself?

Read books on marriage and relationships and men/marriage

 This will give you perspective and knowledge and knowledge is power
o Books:
-  The rules/ the modern rules
-  Men are from mars, women are from Venus
-  The 5 love languages
-  Wired for dating
-  The mastery of love
o YouTube:
-  Start watching YouTube videos to improve yourself
-  Cultivating feminity videos are great!

Let go of all control and meditate:

Focus on yourself, mediate, create a level up action plan and let go of all control of the situation.

Your post really spoke to me, message me if you want to chat more. I think I can learn a lot from you remember, you are amazing in your own right and no one can take that away from you.

2020-03-31T14:31:28+00:00

As others have said: she is jealous of you! Keep her at some distance. Don't express it as jealousy/insecurity to your husband, as it will be negative. Instead, look for ways to express your needs in "constructive" ways.

- For example: enroll yourself and your husband for some parenting classes, where he can hear from others how tough it is, and he can appreciate what he has. This will make him happier.

- In general, ask your husbands about his dreams as a parent and as a married man. Then help him. We went through some church side training about sexual abuse, and he realized then how it is NOT desirable to be alone at any point with another person. In the past we had a mild issue with him driving a cute co-worker to work, and he even brought that up and apologized. So if the situation arise, you could tell him something like "oh, she shouldn't be at home when there's nobody else but you, she could accuse you of sexual abuse or your friend might get jealous".

- Try to talk about her in not negative terms but expose potential flaws: she is cute, hope your friend X can be happy when she gets older and has kids. If he wants to talk more about HER, don't let it extend. Always go back to his friend, like "hey, so how did you guys had fun when you met?"

- Finally, try to get your husband closer to you during pregnancy. Sometimes comments (in a cute way) like "hey, your seed is messing with my body, can you come and pamper me softly?" or "how do YOU feel for having your seed growing inside me?".

_tiff_ · 2020-03-11T02:06:05+00:00

Why do you feel you need to control this situation? It seems you want to monitor the success of this woman, her chosen lifestyle, your husband's response to her...

Do you not trust your husband and his judgment?

I have not a jealous bone in my body so it might be difficult to relate. But if I truly suspected something strange going on, I would simply have a chat with my husband. I would tell him how I feel (that I was concerned about her lack of virtue, or by bringing up specific things that have been said that bothered you). But in your situation I recommend trying to rid yourself of jealousy and insecurity in advance, before chatting, as I find both of those to be very ugly, and surely he would sense them in your spirit.

Are you truly happy with your own life? If you are, why would her path to "success" or "fulfillment" bother you so?

RenegadeWarlock · 2020-03-25T19:01:03+00:00

Communicate, communicate, communicate. Have a serious talk to your husband about it. Express how you feel in the kindest way you can manage. You have this post - feel free to show it to him. It might be easier for him to understand how you feel about the issue. Your feelings might not be valid but that is up to you and your husband to determine, not a bunch of reddit strangers.

I agree that that woman sounds like trouble. I would never impose myself in any way to another woman's husband and I definitely would not complain about my relationship problems to another man. That crosses so many boundaries.

jack_hammarred · 2020-03-26T21:24:17+00:00

Her desires to break free are totally concerning, judging only from what we know I think this other woman doesn’t quite understand the decorum or have a great premise of how healthy relationships work. That she also came over unprecedented without you being present is inappropriate, even if it was an innocent mistake.

Don’t take your insecurities to your man. Also tell him it’s inappropriate for women to come over when you aren’t there. It just simply is, regardless of whether or not you are comfortable with it. Say “I know that no one meant anything by it, but I can’t shake the impression that she was being disrespectful toward you (you husband, not you OP) and your friend and I’d really appreciate if you would maintain that boundary with all of our friends.”

longlive90shiphop · 2020-04-02T06:14:50+00:00

Much respect to you sister. I will state that your experience is very similar to what men go through continuously. A sense that they have to maintain their value in order to be loved, If a man enters a relationship with a beautiful woman of, let's say, 24, he must know certain guidelines to keep the relationship afloat lest she leaves him for a genetically/financially superior man. So much for true love. Hence the refutation of it in Red pill philosophy.

TAmeliaRussell · 2020-04-06T10:32:23+00:00

You should just straight up ask her. You posing the question will probably make her so uncomfortable and awkward that she’ll probably ask her boss to hurry up and get her transferred to wherever she said she was going. And be serious when you ask her, if you bring attitude into it she will just make a game out of it, and think the stakes have risen. When you show vulnerability, most people back away. It’s too much for them. Just be honest, because that is truly the best policy.

St_God · 2020-03-11T19:45:07+00:00

Never get jealous, congratulate and ask for tips. If its possible, become workout buddies, do facials together every now and again. Who knows, she may become your best friend.

If you trust your husband there's nothing to worry about - good luck OP

TAmeliaRussell · 2020-04-06T10:43:21+00:00

You seem very unhappy in your marriage. Asking people on the internet isn’t going to fix your problems. Please stop doing it. The only one who is going to help you, is yourself.

Title	Struggling with jealousy of a new friend
Author	HumectantMenace
Upvotes	34
Comments	38
Date	March 10, 2020 10:48 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/fgmquo/struggling_with_jealousy_of_a_new_friend/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/struggling-with-jealousy-of-a-new-friend.354664 https://theredarchive.com/post/354664