"I am a firm believer in the institution of the chair"

You can imagine this sentence being said with the vindication Lincoln must have had giving the Gettysburg address. It actually hasn't even just been said once, it's something of a catchphrase commonly used by my SO.

The man. Loves. Chairs.

I didn't realize it was possible to have a passion about chairs. But "chair time" to him is a thing. A real thing. He feels the way about chairs that some people feel about their morning coffee (not the people that just like it, the people that would stick a straw in your eye and drink the juices if they thought you stole their cuppa). Additionally, he also feels that way about coffee. So coffee + chair = BSC should stay the fuck away if she doesn't want bad things to happen.

"A couch is just ambiguous," he explains. "It invites the possibility of other people sitting there as well, when I want to be alone. But if you spread out, you look rude. Also, it's not always clear when the couch is at maximum capacity...we all know that person who thinks it can fit just one more. It cannot, and I don't want you there. This is a problem you don't have with chairs. A man needs his chair."

I hope you're picking up on the passion now.

So you know what my SO doesn't like? You know what my SO never considered any demon may do that could so thoroughly defile his reverence of the chair? You know what could lead my God-fearing SO to murder me in front of the pope?

This.

Guess whose love language is Physical Touch? And guess who happens to think sitting like that together is fucking adorable? THIS GIRL!!!

Alas. Defiling the institution of the chair is a criminal offense under our roofs.

So guess who sits (cough sometimes pouts cough) alone on the couch? This girl ):

It's just a stupid boundary that I've had to learn to respect, even though every fiber of my being wants to invade his lap and bury my head on his shoulder.

But hey guess what? Who sometimes gets a really soft "okay come here baby" and is allowed to clamber like a puppy into his lap? This girl! And guess who sometimes sits on the couch alone and then finds a person next to me and an arm around my shoulder? This girl! And guess who has learned to say "can I sit with you?" and remain completely unoffended if the answer is "no" or "not quite yet"? This girl!

Chairs in our household are hilariously political. I also don't have one in my apartment (a crime by his standards) so we have agreed there is a border enforced by all the respect in our relationship halfway across the couch -- thusly I do not cross into foreign territories without the proper documentations.

We have reached a balance in our relationship insofar as the institution of the chair goes, but there was certainly a time where I brazenly invaded his jurisdictions with no regard for his (very) strong opinions on the matter.

Y'all ladies stay safe now. Beware of any chairs plotting the downfall of your relationship. They're nefarious...and they're everywhere.

Curtains Dramatically Fall