12 years Married and Now on the Rocks.

RedPillDad · 2022-10-16T03:20:01+00:00

Get some MC as soon as you can to navigate through this.

My wife (40+ years together) and I raised 5 children and there were plenty of days where I felt like I was trapped in a prison and could do better. But I also realized she was the best thing to ever happen to me, the most feminine woman I've ever met, and I watched her give birth to our 5 children.

It's just easy to forget those good things and get into a crappy frame of mind.

Plenty of women were giving me attention, younger and hotter ones. I ran a business and my earnings peaked at $1.5m per year. So, I had options. Still, I knew I would be just a meal ticket to other women, a lifestyle enhancer. Besides, I doubt I would ever find another woman to actually love me anywhere near what she does. It's a deep unconditional love that is more about her capacity to love in that manner than me deserving it.

I was the threat to the marriage, my doubts about us, and realized I had to prioritize the marriage to save myself from sabotaging it. We took trips together without the kids and rekindled our flame.

My wife is fit, friendly, feminine, respectful and loyal. She's 3 years older than me and now that we're north of 60, our looks aren't our best feature by any means. The good news that her femininity always ensure she radiates a graceful elegance. Femininity is timeless beauty.

Diamond-Breath · 2022-10-15T15:17:37+00:00

Work out for your health, and realize that you're not responsible for your husband's wandering eyes. If he leaves you and the kids, remember it's his fault for denying his own family. He may very well find other women to sleep with, but the absence of his family will haunt him forever even if he doesn't acknowledge it. The universe has a funny way of getting back at people. Stay calm and let everything unfold, you and your family will be alright.

KombuchaEnema · 2022-10-15T16:29:11+00:00

An attractive woman, regardless of her age, will always have an easier time dating around than an attractive man.

Unless your husband is in the top 1% of earners, he’s not going to have the success he thinks he will. At least not compared to the success you can have as a single attractive woman. That’s redpill 101.

He’s in the “fog.” A lot of people (both men and women) enter a fog in relationships. Some people call it the 7-year itch. Basically, he’s starting to take his family for granted. He’s starting to wonder if the grass is truly greener on the other side. He has stopped seeing you as your own person. He now sees you as an extension of himself and that’s why he’s bored.

Trying to hold onto him won’t work. The more you cling to him and try to hold him in the family unit, the more he will feel pressured and wonder what it’s like to be single.

You need to give him a taste of what he actually wants. If he leaves you, you become single, too. You need to show him that you aren’t just an extension of him.

I’m not saying go out and cheat on him. Do not do that. But stop doing so much for him. Stop cooking his meals. Stop doing his laundry. Use your extra free time to dress extra sexy and go out with your friends. Come home buzzed and happy and glowing. Let your husband see that you are not some frumpy housewife. You are 100% capable of exploring the fun single life just like he is.

Oftentimes wayward spouses (cheaters) don’t make that realization until after they’ve already lost their family.

Your husband needs a wakeup call. Take care of yourself. Be glowing and beautiful. Do what you need to do to feel good (even if it means going out and enjoying the stares you get from other men).

It might help your husband realize the mistake he’s about to make.

teaandtalk · 2022-10-16T02:44:22+00:00

Thanks for sharing more information, I think it's vital in order for you to get helpful responses.

I think that there are two things going on here:

1) Your husband has had a health scare (is that accurate?) that's caused anxiety and possibly a bit of a midlife crisis on his part, leading him to panic that 'oh no I've missed out on sowing my wild oats'. (And possibly also making him think 'oh no my wife isn't taking care of her health').

2) simultaneously, his health crisis has meant that you're under a lot of pressure and not being the joyful loving wife he's grown accustomed to.

There are probably some other factors here - eg I am wondering how accurate he is about your animosity. Did you ask for/accept help from family and friends during this health situation, or just take it all on yourself and try to control the situation without the support of others? (I'm not asking from a moral high ground, that's exactly my tendency!).

Does any of this sound accurate to you?

Right now I would be working hard on my self care and anxiety levels and asking him to be the loving partner I need while we both work on healing and taking care of ourselves. If you need to relax some standards (eg how many extracurriculars the kids are doing or the frequency of the floors being mopped) that would probably be wise.

If you haven't read The Surrendered Wife/the Empowered Wife, that might be of use to you.

Teacup000 · 2022-10-15T16:10:57+00:00

Is it Because he never played “ the game” when he was this self confident and now he feels like he can do better than me?

No. One of the fundamentals of RP thinking is that women have hypergamous urges and men have polygamous urges. Him wanting to sleep with other women in no way means they are better than you. They are just different, and novelty is appealing to both sexes (ie the Coolidge Effect).

The most likely reason I see for him now being less willing to suppress his polygamous urges is you have an unhappy marriage.

What's your sex life like? When's the last time you planned something spontaneous or fun or romantic for him? How often do you fight? How bad are the fights? What are your personality flaws, and how do they affect him?

The only reason you gave for your marriage failing is something superficial that makes him look bad. But it doesn't make any sense to me that the reason you're both so unhappy is because you're a little bit overweight.

He is willing to leave a crappy marriage to play the field. You have the power to either work on the marriage or leave for a man who requires less maintenance. Whether these low maintenance men are people you would be happy with will depend on your personality. Odds are that they will be less fit, attractive, and less invested in your children than your husband.

AutoModerator · 2022-10-15T14:58:15+00:00

Title: 12 years Married and Now on the Rocks.

Full text: Hi everybody I am very new here, I grew up with traditional feminine roles. I got married in college when I was 22 and he was 23. We have only ever been with each other intimately. We had dated other people before we got married. We have 2 daughters 11 and 10 years old. Last week (5 days) my husband left our family to get some time to think because he was feeling unhappy in our marriage. He stayed with a single guy friend. We had rules, no contact and no dating or meeting other people of opposite sex. I was crushed over this situation. I did have time to reflect on our marriage as well and realized I was very unhappy too.

He is attractive and very fit. He also mentioned he has urges to date other women and to see what that’s like, because he thinks he could be very successful in dating. Does he need that validation to feel like a man? Is it Because he never played “ the game” when he was this self confident and now he feels like he can do better than me?

He told me there are more attractive women than me. Which is true and will always be true. There are more attractive men than him as well and there always will be. This is a fact of living on planet earth with 7 billion people.

I do have faults. I am very attractive, but my body is not very fit right now. I dress nicely and I take care of my appearance but I do need to work out more to be physically attractive. That’s something he has said he needs. And I do agree. (I am not extremely over weight and I am told often I am beautiful and attractive by both genders). The problem I’m facing is I feel like even if I did get more fit (I’m going to regardless, for my own health) but even when I do get in better shape, I feel like no matter what, I will never fill that void he has of wanting to sleep with other women. This is a boundary of mine. If I’m in a marriage I need to feel secure and safe and be in a committed relationship.

I am extremely hurt by his actions and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want my children growing up seeing a man that is supposed to protect and love them walk out on them. I’m trying to remain in my feminine energy. I have told him I need to be in a relationship where I am respected and cherished. I feel at such a loss. I know there’s nothing I can do to convince him to stay long term.

He is back with our family as of now. He tells me he loves me and never wants to hurt me, but he is still undecided and it’s breaking my heart. Please help me see with outside eyes so I can have a new perspective. I really need guidance.

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maevenbelle · 2022-10-15T16:38:48+00:00

Are you guys having regular sex?

anothergoodbook · 2022-10-15T16:03:46+00:00

Have you read The Empowered Wife?

Often there are other issues - like him feeling disrespected for example that lead to these things. I’m overweight and he feels disrespected not because of my weight, but that I’m not taking care of my health for the sake of the family. As well as other issues of respect.

Laura Doyle also has a podcast and I learned alot from that.

Jessicacaitlin · 2022-10-15T15:20:21+00:00

Honestly, I’d play his game, get fit and hot as fuck and do the same as what he wants to do, date around and see what’s out there, he will not like it especially because if you’re already attractive you’ll be successful with dating. See how he fucking likes it when it’s done to him. Don’t play nice here and do not let him get away with this.

2022-10-15T20:41:32+00:00

Most of the advice you’ve been given is great, there’s something referred to as the 180 in infidelity circles which aims at giving you the emotional space to make the best decisions for you and to act with dignity and self control. The link below titled 180 will take you to a description

I’m not saying that your husband is cheating but he is preparing himself to, so you’re in what is referred to as limbo (again in infidelity circles! My first husband who I was with from the age of 14 to 26 cheated on me repeatedly before leaving me for a woman who was 15 years older! It ended badly for them by the way and I’m now very, very happily married to the best man so know that even if he does leave, there is still a good life ahead of you) limbo is the most painful place to be as you’re totally powerless and gaining some control of your life while there really helps.

180

Paddington_Fear · 2022-10-15T23:50:11+00:00

he's whining about wanting to sleep with other women while you took care of him and your needs are not being met. I don't think you are the problem here. I think he needs to take some personal inventory on what HE needs to do to save the marriage.

sparklyyblueberryy · 2022-10-15T20:49:18+00:00

An attractive woman always has an easier time than an attractive man. Men are simply less picky. Just be calm and inform him about this.

Impressive-Peanut-45 · 2022-10-15T23:24:06+00:00

He should be grateful for what he's got and focus on his family instead of feeling like he wants to date other wemen

TheBunk_TB · 2022-10-16T04:59:49+00:00

A**holes advocate question:

Are you actively "physical" with each other? (F*cking). Talking about dirty, fun stuff.

(I don't mean maintenance sex only).

I have made the argument that many women won't acknowledge that you have to be his gf and his wife. A lover in many forms.

(I also said that you may need to "be" every gf he could have, at least in an adventurous sense. We all get in ruts, but that is something to think about).

Have you pulled something away from him? Stop doing something? Change your mind about something that he felt strongly about?

Big mention on your part:

1,2, and 6 of your additional info. This points to that he needs you. He doesnt need a critique. He needs support. Something happened, either work or something else. He needs a lover in both ways.

Cat_Lady_2000 · 2022-10-15T16:13:58+00:00

Honestly, I would seriously consider leaving. You deserve to be in a relationship where you are loved and respected. Your children deserve to see a caring, loving relationship modeled for them.

Candle_Playful · 2022-10-16T07:57:04+00:00

He probably feels emasculated from being taken care of for a long time, and that you run the show so well. So well that where is his spot light, I wonder. If my spouse said these things about me and then left for a time because of it, I'd definitely be hurt first, but then I'd be pretty pissed at the fact that not only does he want to sleep with other women but also that he's willing to stress me tf out about our relationship. It's fair that he feels he missed out on casual dating, but tough s***, the honeymoon phase is short and fleeting.

Take your power back. I can't tell you how many men I've cleaned houses for where the woman in their lives either left them or died before them and how much it left a hole in their hearts. And how much they fucked up.

The new women sounds like a claim to interact within a scope of people who never saw him at his worst, I'd bring this up in a conversation to find out if there's anything that could be a win win in seeing if he can find his relationship masculinity again.

Also remember, you have a lot of power in how he feels in the relationship. But you can't make him feel anything. Only you do what feels good to you, I take it once he sees that this won't phase you I think he'll think twice about doing anything to damage the relationship. Make it clear to him that if he fucks your relationship up, he has no base to come home to. This is where I have a problem with him leaving, to me it feels like a ploy to get you worrying and letting him sleep with other women pass free.

Absolutely not, fuck that.

I don't lightly recommend going batshit on anyone, but this would make me furious.

He's failed being the warrior, the man, he wants to reclaim it the cheap way. Don't let him. You just do you, and be strong without him. Make him wonder if you're out, he'll cave. I guarantee it. Men are too jealous.

"Fine. You sleep with other women and I sleep with other men. Don't like it? That's exactly how fucked up that sounds."

he'll figure it out. This is a him problem that you cannot fix, just the thought of other men will remind him what it means to have a wonderful wife like you. There is no comparison.

He build a home and let the repairs go, he needs to get to work.

Also to add about your burnout and lack of help: that is an ass ripping from hell if I ever saw one.

Men need to EARN their feminine wife, NOT EXPECT them to stay that way.

Where'd my wife go??? You forgot about her.

Truthfulldude1 · 2022-10-16T09:13:07+00:00

Welp, looks like you hitched your horse on the wrong dude. Life is a risk. And you bet and lost. This guy is experiencing severe Fomo (fear of missing out). And he thinks that he didn't get to experience the bachelor life. Which he didn't but whatever. That doesn't matter now, because he's a grown-ass man, who has committed his life to you. That's what marriage is. A lifelong commitment. The problem is when you marry a man that young, he's not experienced. He's not a leader. He needs wisdom and experience to gain those. Most men shouldn't even get married or start having children until their mid-late thirties. That's when we are typically more mature. I would say, you basically just have to hope he realizes what a beautiful life he has. But if he doesn't, be ready for that possibility as well. See, this is really more his problem, than yours. I mean what will he do once you're older. And your body gets more saggy and wrinkled (like all humans experience)? When you working out, won't fix it? My money is that he'll start fucking younger women on the side. And there is nothing you can do to stop an unfaithful husband if he's committed to himself more than to you. If he's not willing to put the needs of the "family" above his own, he's a pussy. And his wife (you) deserves a man who will treat her with respect. A man who will be content with you and only you. A man who can't get enough of that sweet ass. Not this asshole.

warm20 · 2022-10-16T05:39:09+00:00

The loyalty of taking care of him and the kids as he is sick while being anxious even with a full job is incredible kudos for you on that. He will be forever grateful and reflect on that, it is unforgettable very few have such commitment and he'll remember that years later.

The only medicine he can get right now is the consequences of his actions years down the road, he will realize how good he had it and has not appreciated what he had.

Edit:

Just read through post, these comments are critical

Our sex life was not good. 3 times a week He told me why he is unhappy and he told me it’s because 1. I worry too much about things. 2. I have too much animosity toward things that upset me. 3. Health is important to him and he wants me to be healthier. 4. He’s afraid to open up to me because I get defensive. 5. I expect too much. 6. I stress too much about our children’s happiness 7. His out look on monogamy has changed.

This means you still need to workout some things out, I believe this kind of behavior would push people to seek more as they aren't feeling good with the frequency of a relationship that isn't truly healthy/harmonious/alive. (However i don't think everyone would seek more, but it is alarming when one isn't content even when times are bad, Ideally you both have to figure out some way and make it work on what the current unhealthy flows of the relation are and self improve on it on both sides, since communication seems to be falling down and not working perhaps counseling?)

Perhaps counseling could help both of you have your shields down and to open up better? I've seen it plenty times where couples disrespect each other not taking feedback (fed up phase of life or each other?) but rather listen to a 3rd party, sometimes it could be family or friends and their advice could be either bad or good. Better to get a good professional on board to help out with getting out the mind viruses you both have accumulated over the years.

Neither side is right at what's going on, better give therapy a shot as a last resort as you seem like you are about to exhaust all your options before a possible devastating divorce.

Leg_Mcmuffin · 2022-10-16T12:28:25+00:00

Different views on monogamy? What does that mean?

MassiveGround · 2022-10-18T14:50:59+00:00

Protect your health. That is the biggest thing to do right now. Your Husband may sleep around and bring back nasty things. So use condoms and get tested ASAP! Care for yourself, radical self-care should be your new motto. Exercise, drink , sleep and nourish your soul.

Title	12 years Married and Now on the Rocks.
Author	LacesBasis
Upvotes	51
Comments	80
Date	October 15, 2022 2:58 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/y4q2jn/12_years_married_and_now_on_the_rocks/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/12-years-married-and-now-on-the-rocks.1135548 https://theredarchive.com/post/1135548