EDIT: HOLY MOLY. I am overwhelmed by your support and honest / good feedback regarding trust. I have reached out to everyone in my circle asking for help with this, and no one has been as thorough and helpful as all of you. I can't wait to grow and learn more with you all. Thnak you for your support, and being patient and understanding, as this hasn't been easy being open and vulnerable to strangers on the web about my less than beautiful qualities. I can't wait to fix these....Honestly, thank you all....

Happy New Year, Ladies.

I have been a long time lurker / occasional commenter on this sub, and would like to put myself out there a bit more in 2015 in this sub. I have taken bits and pieces and applied it to my life and relationship, but think I could use a bit more help and accountability with the up and coming year, as my relationship has become more serious.

I've realized more recently that I am scared. Like, flat out terrified. I find myself on the edge of having everything I have ever wanted in my life, yet self sabotage in small (or sometimes big) ways to keep me right where I am, instead of moving forward. Its senseless, and it doesn't get me what I want long term. This fear keeps me exactly where I am. This fear builds walls around me. This fear keeps everything I want out.

This sub is part of my huge "why". Family and partnership is huge to me. I dream of being a loving wife and mother. I dream of taking care of my family in small and big ways. I dream of that partnership that is resistant to jealousy, insecurity, fear, doubt, etc (even if that is slightly unrealistic)

This year, it needs to change. This year, I am committed to feeling comfortable with living the life of my dreams. This year, I am committed to being a better woman for myself, and in turn, everyone around me, including my boyfriend.

This year, I have some specific wants/desires for myself:

1) To feel (and be) secure, regardless of whoever is texting or calling my partner. It is none of my business, he will tell me if there is something to be concerned with, I don't need to ask. (And no, I never have and never will snoop)

2) To continue to build upon myself in small ways. This means getting my SCUBA and/or yoga certification. Both would help me to feel more fulfilled in my life without expecting someone to do it for me, which will take unnecessary pressure off my spouse in my relationship.

3) To explore the meaning of "Trust" more. I realized recently, I dont actually know what trust means. I used to think I needed 100% of the facts / information to "trust" something, but then I realized that is not trust. That is just making a decision based on facts. So, yes, I would like to explore my relationship to trust this year, and get more comfortable and confident trusting (This extends beyond my relationship with significant other).

(NOTE: In an effort to tackle this item, I have sought out therapy twice a month to help deal with some of the "trust issues" I have picked up in past, abusive relationships and move forward healthily)

4) I seriously need to stop cursing. I don't do it often anymore, but when i do, I hate that it comes out of my mouth even before it is finished. This is going to be a challenge, but a fun one.

5)I want to become a more fearless lover this year. I want to become a more fearless "truster" (If thats even a word) and partner this year. I don't just want to serve my partner with actions and words....i want to radiate out through my heart and soul. I want to be a magnet for all of the abundance, love, wealth, happiness and joy that I say I want.


Well, there ya have it ladies. My most intimate and vulnerable details about a complete internet stranger striving to be a better person for herself and her man in 2015.