I apologize for any mistake, English isn't my first language.

I swallowed the pill not too far ago, and I wish so much I had done it sooner. I've been having a typical student sex life since I was 17. I have a count of 5 to 8 different partners depending on your definition of sexual intercourse and I regret almost all of them in one way or another.

The man who took my virginity was a very dear friend of mine. I was hoping he wanted to make me his girlfriend but he didn't. We saw each other 5 times, before I realized the sex wasn't so good and I wasn't attracted to him that much. I just wanted to lose my virginity like all the other girls did in my european college.

My second relation was oral and digital sex with a friend from class who didn't want to commit either. My first ONS.

Then I met a nice guy who wanted to commit and with whom I slept once before realizing we weren't right for each other. Never spoke with him after that. A ONS if you want.

Cue the stupidest of all my experimentations. I slept with a girl friend of mine. Why ? Because I was young and wanted to see what it was like. I wasn't even attracted that much, but she cared about me and I kinda cared about her. I craved the affection so bad. We slept once, I realized it was awful and took to my heels. Our friendship has never been the same after this.

Another ONS with a guy met while running. Again, awful. Hoped he would text me after the deed but he didn't. God I was stupid.

My sixth sexual interaction was with another close friend of mine, a handjob while he was sleeping at my place. He still texts me from time to time that he "loves me". But he was in an open relationship already, and he went in another country for his studies. I did it because I wanted to relieve him, once again I wasn't feeling that much attraction.

Seventh was a guy who took me on dates and kissed me like he meant it. We slept twice before he attempted to explain that he still felt heartbroken about his ex and wasn't ready for commitment if that was ok with me. I told him it was not, and we've remained simple friends.

After all this I began to feel that something was deeply wrong with my behavior. Sleeping around did nothing for my well-being. Felt lied to by our culture. I have always been very affectionate, born and raised in a family with lots of love, all these years I have only craved to find someone that I could cherish and care for. I am 21 but I feel so ready to give birth, to bestow the love that my own mother bestowed on her 4 children. I want a family, I want to make a worthy man happy. I stopped trying to vagina men into relationships with me, and spent a whole lonely year to myself.

Then I met the man I am seeing today. From the start, he swept me off my feet. Charming, intelligent, a decade older, hard-working man who wasn't very handsome (I'd say at best a 5/10) but just got it, you know. Something in him deeply touched me. I thought and felt in my chest that he could be my captain. Something lit up in my sky when I met him. And then I screwed up again, as if I had learnt nothing. I was terrified of losing him if I said no. So we slept, while he made clear he wasn't looking to settle down with me.

I have been his plate for 8 months now. In all this time he hasn't met anybody else. We've been getting increasingly tender with each other. I sleep in his arms, he kisses me in the nape of my neck, he whispers that "everything about me is wonderful". But I won't take it anymore. It will hurt but I will stop see him. I'm getting older and I can't spend my youth being his mistress.

RedPill did that for me. Better be alone and look for the man who will deem you valuable enough to raise his children. But I'm so afraid of ending up alone. Not meeting anybody. I want at least 4 children, the biological clock is ticking. I want a redpill man but I'm hypocrite seeing my nonredpill past. The first thing about redpill is that you cannot redeem your past - it doesn't matter what you promise to yourself, the discourse you elaborate, your count speaks for itself. The proof is, even when I thought I had changed my ways, I fell in the trap for the last guy, again, giving up sex in hopes it would open his heart.

How will I tell my future husband about my past when he asks ? I will not lie, that's a given. How do you reconcile in this subreddit the dogma that "nothing redeems a high count" with wanting to change anyway ?

TL;DR : High count wants a RP man ; laments about becoming older and being apparently unable to change her past or her behavior