...just as abs are built in the kitchen. One of my core beliefs is that a good sex life will elevate the quality of a relationship and more often than not, it is the glue that keeps two people together when times get rough.
Disclaimer: I have a somewhat high N count, I've mostly seen and done it all. Am I ashamed of it? No, as I always approached sex with curiosity and carefully selected my partners. Would I advise a potential daughter to act the same way? Also no, although I believe some experience can go a long way. Hence, the point of this post. A smart person learns lessons from other people's experience, doesn't necessarily jump head in to make their own mistakes. I'm not trying to reinvent the wheel here, but to challenge each of us to step it up a notch between the sheets.
As we all know, sex is VERY important to men. It could be argued that sex is what draws men to women in the first place. Sure, a family, a 'partner-in-crime', a nice meal, maybe even children are nice prospects to the majority of men, but I've yet to see a truly happy guy who doesn't get quality sex from his wife. It's amazing just how many 'relationship issues' could be resolved in the bedroom.
I also believe there's a huge difference between 'sex' and an amazing, hot, steamy session in the bedroom (or any other place, really - but more on that later). Sure, to a man who's been starved for sex all his life, getting it once a week in the missionary position would be a pretty sweet deal, but it can get so much better than that, for you and for him.
A. First, start with YOU. Great sex is about GIVING, about putting the other person's desires above your own and you can't give if you feel drained yourself. For women, desire is a tricky business. We have to FEEL and perceive ourselves as sexy in order to really want it. Make it a mission to work out, take care of yourself, eat right and pamper yourself from time to time. Get acquainted with your body, spend a few minutes every day naked, looking in the mirror and start appreciating yourself. We all have physical qualities, find them and start loving yourself.
Your body is a temple, treat it with love and care and you'll see the wonders it can do. Have light meals, never eat until you're full and start liking salads and healthy smoothies. Pay attention to your weight and fitness level, we all have 24 hours in a day, it's not at all difficult to work out at least 30 minutes each day. Make it two sessions 15 minutes each if you have to, but just do it. Working out also slightly increases your testosterone level, which, you guessed it, makes you want more sex. Find a hair removal routine that works for you and keep yourself trimmed at all times. Take care of your skin, hair, nails. A woman can be sexy well into her 50s, never ever give up on yourself. You only have one shot at life, make it as good as possible. Now.
Last but not least, learn to please yourself. Touch yourself, let your imagination run wild and notice what you respond best to. Learn to give yourself orgasms so that you can guide your man to better please you. A man who loves you will get greater pleasure in seeing you enjoy sex with him than in his own orgasm. This is one sure way to make him feel like a man, like THE man. Sex is your realm and one of your biggest assets, use it wisely.
B. HIM. Again, men LOVE good sex. The though of getting a good romp later during the day could very well be the main reason they get up every morning and go conquer the world (no matter how big or small their world is). They work out, learn game, acquire wealth, provide resources just to get the best sex they can. This alone speaks volumes.
The only men I met that claimed they were not really into it, were those who never actually got to enjoy good sex. Once they did, they were ready to give their all and much more to the woman who knew how to make them feel good in the bedroom.
The thought of a lifetime of steady sex with his sexy girlfriend is what makes a man want to commit further and take a shot at marriage. When you look at it this way, I cannot fathom why on earth would a woman let herself go and reject the husband of HER choice. Sexual rejection stings horribly for men and transforms them into doormats and chumps, who feel inadequate and failing at life. Guess where will that take them? Yup, getting fat, depressed and withdrawn. It is my belief that a woman can easily bring her husband up and encourage him just by providing him with good sex. It's also true that she can easily tear him down by constant rejection.
C. The Relationship. Ok, you've dated and vetted and found a guy who gives you the tingles and is also a good prospect. It's time to take your relationship to the physical realm and you're both nervous and eager. After all why wouldn't you be? You like this man and want to make it work. Knowing the importance men place on sex, you may tend to get all worked up over making it a pleasant experience for both of you.
Some men are experienced and dominant. They really know what buttons to push and make you lose it and submit to them. Should he also be looking for a serious relationship (which you already know, via good vetting), this is the ideal case. Let him lead, do not be afraid to show him you want him and let him woo you.
The majority didn't get the chance to actually enjoy good sex with a woman. Maybe they're young. Maybe they're inexperienced. Maybe their ex was a shrew, a bitchy self-proclaimed nympho who was way too centered on her own pleasure. It's with these men you really need to be careful and this is where knowing and loving yourself really proves crucial. Usually, if you let one of these guys lead, the first time won't be a very sexy experience and it might get him to close off and you'll have a much difficult time helping him open up later on. Maybe he finishes too soon. Maybe he doesn't know what to do, he's too aggressive or too timid. Again, show him you want him and COMING FROM A PLACE OF SUBMISSION, take the lead. Caress him, guide him as to where you like to be touched, get down on your knees and blow him, then gently whisper in his ear you're ready for him. Don't get your hopes up for the first time, getting to a point where sex is really good, for you and for him, takes time and dedication. Don't show him everything you know in one go. Surprise him, but don't pull all your cards at once. Let his mind wander on which other thoughts of ways to please him go through that pretty head of yours.
Ffw, some time has passed, you know each other and your relationship has progressed. Now it's the time to get really freaky. Don't be afraid to pose for your man. Send him sexy nudes when he's away. Go buy some new lingerie just to show it off. Try out clothes in front of him, dress up, even if it's just for a chill evening at home. Get out those sexy heels he likes, make the house your catwalk and I guarantee he'll snap out of whatever he may be doing. You think he's watching too much TV in the evenings while you slave away cleaning up the house? Forget about cleaning the kitchen, put a V-neck sweater or some short shorts and go dust the living room table or the shelves. He'll drop the remote like it's going out of style and start eyeing you like crazy.
Play with him. Don't be afraid to (gently) moan during sex, tell him you find him sexy, when you think he looks good in that shirt or when he's changing the tire. Forget about all your insecurities and really, TRULY, love your man from head to toe. Master your BJ skills, train your gag reflex so you can surprise him with a deep-throat session. Be open to anal, you might even get to enjoy it yourself. Talk about what you'd like and ENCOURAGE him to speak about his fantasies. Never belittle him, never show yourself disappointed. You both have a lifetime together to learn mutual pleasure. Give all of yourself to him, be his sexual slave, listen to him. Throw all of your insecurities out the window, this man chose you for YOU, the bedroom is not the place to be insecure. Casually walk around the house naked when he's busy doing his own thing and enjoy feeling his gaze following you. Don't be afraid to have sex everywhere in the house or in the car. Take him out for a night of stargazing to a remote place and blow him while he's watching the night sky.
Get accustomed to his semen. It's just a body fluid. Swallow, let him come anywhere on your body, show him you love every tiny bit of him. After all what's the worst that could happen? It stings when it gets into your eyes but so do countless pesky little flies throughout your life. If you find he tastes too bitter and it makes you sick, tell him that, advise him to hydrate properly, drink less beer (as beer usually makes semen very bitter) and instead, incorporate more pineapple into his diet. He'll be more than happy to oblige and you've also successfully saved him from some useless carbs and made his diet healthier.
Please notice I never mentioned anything about you asking or demanding stuff from him. Talk about what you like but NEVER demand. Maybe he'll like going down on you, maybe he won't. If he doesn't and you really really want it badly, then ask yourself if this is something you can compromise on. Focus on GIVING him the best sex of his life and he'll reciprocate.
Always try something new, flirt with him, even after 20 years together, you have a duty to be desirable to your husband. In turn, he'll also keep desirable for you. No man will let himself go knowing he won't be able to have all that amazing sex anymore. He will think long and hard and you'll have to really screw up to get him to leave you, when his sexual needs are met in a way that makes him think none of his friends get the quality sex he does. Tell him how turned on by him you are and enjoy the thought that he gets hard the next day at work just by thinking about what you did to him last night. Encourage him to talk about this too then connect through sharing a moment like this when you're out to dinner with friends and he can't get up as his erection is showing. Create sexual memories together regarding places. While we`re at it, sometime when you're out, dressed all classy, like the good girl you appear to be, get up, go to the bathroom, get off your panties, come back and place them in the palm of his hand. He'll go crazy with desire and you will have created a good memory together.
In closing, while you enjoy a stellar sex life which makes you act and feel younger and the thought that your man gets hard by just thinking of you, you'll also notice he's much more willing to do his share of the household chores, listen to you when you`ve had a bad day and be overall, much more connected to your needs and desires as a woman.
Never close the door on your partner's desires, but strive to open up as many windows as possible, until you can peek into his innermost persona and he into yours.
LATER EDIT: Not being in the mood is NOT an excuse to reject your man. Sometimes however, there'll be days when all hell breaks loose and you can't wait for them to be over so sex might very well be the last thing on your mind. Even then, if you see your partner is in the mood, try to reciprocate as best you can. Still, sometimes our bodies just don't feel it, even to the point that penetration is very difficult, if not impossible. In those cases a gentle delay and waking him up with an enthusiastic BJ the next morning is a much better alternative than just lying there, waiting for it to be over. However, this should be an emergency situation, not a weekly occurrence. For example, there was this only one time this year I rejected my boyfriend. It was a particularly long day at work, also had to juggle 3 different job interviews all throughout town carrying a laptop in my backpack in a dreadful humid heat and on top of that, it was also the first day of my period. When I got home, I just wanted it all to be over, but my bf wanted some attention. Feeling horribly ashamed, I gently declined, but made sure to be extra sweet and attentive to his desires for the next week. Don't force yourself to do something your body tells you not to, you'll only start building resentment. Also, our bodies tend to have a certain sensorial memory, if sex hurt badly last time you did it, next time you'll notice you have trouble getting wet and relax. But don't make this a habit, this should really be just a very, very RARE exception to your eagerness to please your man.
L.E2: It just stuck me that I've never said anything about size & duration. These are sensible topics, tread carefully.
If your guy is well endowed, he probably knows it. Never skip the chance to tell him how good it feels. The reverse of this is, if he's on the rather small side, don't lie. Find other things to compliment him about, like his technique, his abs and all that. How would you feel if someone told you you've got a beautiful nose when you know you objectively don't? Yeah, lied to your face, maybe like he's trying to gain something from you. Don't do this to your man, it would be a huge faux-pas. Also, a smaller penis might actually work better in the long term too. I'm a small woman and the thought of getting stretched at least once daily for years doesn't really sound like the perfect scenario. Rather, his 'tool' should 'fit' and that usually can be seen in how well you 'fit' physically as a couple. My encounters with tall men have all turned painful after a while. Also, for the curious out there, if you want to get an approximation of his size & girth down there, look at hands and especially his fingers. I've found they are very telling.
How long he lasts in bed is also a hot-topic. Some guys really last for hours or might even have trouble finishing but that also tends to get a painful really fast. Most guys however, don't. Never make him feel bad for this. You can get your orgasm next time, or, learn to get there faster. Rather, take it as a compliment and feel proud. How long he lasts can be improved in time, with patience. Also, the more diverse, steamy, regular sex a guy has, the easier it is for him to last longer.