~ archived since 2018 ~

A letter to young women

July 30, 2018

A letter to the younger women of RPW,

I write to you as a young woman myself, as a recent college graduate, as someone who has found a man in whom I have the utmost confidence to lead and build a wonderful life and family with me. I know he will make a wonderful husband and father, and he has made clear his devotion and commitment to me. I couldn’t be happier.

I know that many of you are still searching. My heart breaks for the young women in 2018 who are looking for traditional love and marriage in a sea of feminism, boys who never seem to grow up, or serial players and plate spinners. I read your stories. The real men out there seem few and far between, and many of you have reluctantly chosen a less-than-ideal man you think might have potential with the right encouragement, which often ends in disappointment. It’s easy to become discouraged and many women settle.

But one of the beautiful aims of this subreddit is to encourage women to abandon the typical female dating narrative of: how can I get a good man to commit to me? In favor of a superior question: what type of woman is worth committing to, and how can I become one?

The value of the man I’m with is clear to women who know him well, who either pursue him to no avail, ex girlfriends who still say they lost the best thing they’ve ever had, friends who tell me they want to find what I have, or cynically pretend he must be too good to be true. But these women have many things in common, expressing habits encouraged on college campuses and by feminism, habits that I myself had years ago, and habits that will be difficult to unlearn. I don’t have all the answers, but I hope someone out there can find this advice helpful.

Be beautiful, not “hot” Men have two evolutionary mating strategies built into their biology (edit: see link to Weinstein podcast below). Women need to know this. The first is to get as much seed as possible into as many women as possible, and hope some children are born and turn out okay. This is the older, more animalistic strategy, but has worked for some. The second is more “evolved.” You find one woman, with the best genes possible, and have children with her, but stick around to ensure their safety, competence, and survival. Monogamy has been around for millennia. These two strategies remain in men today, indicated by men unanimously answering two questions in the affirmative (try it): can you imagine a woman who is hot, but not beautiful? Can you imagine a woman who is beautiful, but not hot? These terms differentiate which mating strategy will be used. Hot women are the women in porn, strippers, or in clubs. The women men know they could sleep with, but would never bring home to their mother. Beautiful women are still sexually attractive, but their attraction expands beyond the physical to grace, kindness, intelligence, and feminine charm. The key difference: beautiful women are still beautiful as they age, even past an age where they might not be fertile. All men can identify a beautiful older woman, but would never find them “hot.” Men don’t commit to hot women, because sex is their only value, and will be useless over 35.

College campuses encourage women to be hot. My friends would dress in the tightest clothes, drink in excess, and be very sexually forward with the men they wanted attention from. Then, the next morning, wonder what they did wrong and why he isn’t texting them back. Stop talking about sex. Women in college will talk about sex in front of men, about blow jobs, about funny stories from one night stands. It drives men crazy, and successfully gets those women all the attention in the room. But if you want marriage someday, being wanted isn’t good enough. It feels good to be looked at and lusted after by men, and it can be intoxicating. I know, trust me. But you’re appealing to the wrong dating strategy. Delete tinder. Stop snap chatting your body. Be beautiful, and someday you’ll be wanted in a different way, for a lifetime not just a good time. And that is... extraordinary.

I’m realizing how long this post has become. I have many more things to say, and if you’d like I can make a part 2, 3, etc.

I hope you all have a lovely day.

Part 2:

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Post Information
Title A letter to young women
Author kittxxn
Upvotes 242
Comments 42
Date July 30, 2018 1:22 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link
Red Pill terms in post

[–]HotPotato71777 points78 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

You should continue to write the next pieces, quality writing.

A woman with strong feminine energy is what is desired long term. It is extremely attractive.

[–]thatbadlarry16 points17 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Can you be more specific about what “strong feminine energy” is? It’s something I really want to cultivate but I still don’t fully even grasp what it is.

[–]Femininityseeker11 points12 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I’m exploring feminine energy myself. I found out about the divine feminine (which is mainly spiritual) but follows what strong feminine energy is.

Here is a link:divine feminine

Here is another link describing a strong feminine woman: the deep Woman

And here is a youtuber who explains in multiple ways how you can re-connect with your feminine energy. Her whole youtube channel is based around it: Candice Oneida

Ill be making detailed posts about cultivating feminine energy once I gain these traits too. A simple way to start is through physical movements. Slow down your pace, move more gently, sway your hips slightly when you walk, speak more softly and from the heart. You will immediately start to feel more feminine, or at least, that’s what I experienced

Hope that helps!

[–]thatbadlarry1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes it helps a lot thank you so much! I can’t wait to dive into those links. Please do make a post! I would love to read it. Thanks again, sister.

[–][deleted] 54 points55 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

The "hot" vs "beautiful" advice is almost like "beta" vs "alpha" advice in TRP, to me.

"Hot" girls, like beta guys, are giving it up too easily. They think they will find fulfilment and meet their ultimate relationship goals by acting how the opposite sex acts. (For beta guys, this means being too nice, too much of a pushover. For hot girls, this means being overly sexual, too aggressive.)

"Beautiful" girls, like alpha guys, know how to hold back their most valued and desired asset (sex for her, commitment for him). They realise there's more value in cultivating the traits that the opposite sex lacks, because these are what draw us to each other. (For alpha guys, this means strength, decision making, a calm and cool head. For beautiful girls, this means lightness, softness, tenderness, passion, playfulness.)

I keep wishing we would form a good female equivalent for the TRP terms "alpha" and "beta". There are such clear equal-but-opposite parallels in female behaviour, but we seem to lack a clear set of words to easily summarise the difference in the types of woman.

[–]itsadamquinn8 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy Link


[–]Mildly_maria10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

A.k.a. Madonna vs the whore

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Also wife material vs plate material.

[–]Ihatemost4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's a really interesting parallel between beta guys and hot girls!

[–]purpleskygreensea23 points24 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

This is a great post. I believe the part about the two mating strategies is inspired by the Bret Weinstein and Heather Heying episode on the Joe Rogan podcast, and everyone should check it out.

edit: Real biology hack - This is also why you should try not to meet men on dating websites or apps, because almost all of them are in the mindset of the second mating strategy. You are basically fighting against nature here.

[–]Kara__El4 Stars14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is also why you should try not to meet men on dating websites or apps, because almost all of them are in the mindset of the second mating strategy. You are basically fighting against nature here.

I disagree. Online dating allows men to be completely open about seeking these things and some of them are, but many are looking for something long term, as well. I dated online for four years before I met my husband (and many other kind and genuine, but incompatible men) on a free app. It's likely dependent on what part of the country you're in, what your hobbies are, your professional field, and even your stage of life, which dating method is most appealing. However, there is definitely a combination of those factors that leaves little but online dating as an option and taking it off the table is a great way to find yourself Netflixing alone in your early 30s. Women just have to be crystal clear about what they're seeking and ask men upfront what they're seeking. Most guys who just want a night of fun aren't going to lie to get it, when they're are plenty of women openly looking for the same. I would suggest avoiding certain sites and apps, but not all of them.

[–]purpleskygreensea5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The main reason I caution against it is because there's a lot of men who will say they're open to a relationship which leads many women to think they can find their boyfriends/husbands on there. When in reality, the guy is usually not looking for something serious but is merely open to it if his standards are exceeded, but you're most likely not going to convince him to delete his profile and focus on you, when his eyes are being flooded with other options.

Obviously as you said it depends on a lot of factors, but for the most well-known/free dating apps and services, it's a good general rule. With Match or similar websites, I'm guessing it's different.

[–]kittxxn3 Star[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Bingo. Such a great way to explain this phenomenon and I wish more women understood this.

[–]thatbadlarry1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Link to podcast? Would love to give a listen

[–]thatbadlarry20 points21 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Fantastic post. I especially loved the “be the kind of woman he wants to commit to”. I would give this advice to my younger sister if she would listen!

Edited cause of a word.

[–]loneliness-inc13 points14 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Very good post. Good distinction between beautiful and hot. You're correct with this idea, but it needs more explanation. Nevertheless, this is a great post and I think it's worthy of a star if the mods agree u/luckylittlestar u/pearlsandstilettos

[–]LuckyLittleStarModerator | Lil'Star4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Done. Keep up the great work /u/kittxxn!

[–]kittxxn3 Star[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you!!! I love the community and will definitely keep writing. Your support is invaluable.

[–][deleted] 27 points28 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Damn. Never thought of it like that, but you’re right about the difference between hot and beautiful.

Not sure how I feel about this. Kinda the TRP version of girl advice. I feel like you are expressly hacking our biology with this as opposed to just being “advice” (dress nice, be feminine, have hobbies, etc.) it’s an actual framework for some lady dark arts. Kudos, just don’t expect me to be thrilled about hacking alpha biology. This must be how the women feel reading TRP.

You should expand this subject on how to be “beautiful” while still competing with “hot.” If beautiful can’t pull attention from hot, then it’s just the girl version of beta sexual strategy.

[–]purpleskygreensea17 points18 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

She only needs attention from 1 quality guy though. It's not like alpha strategy to pull lots of women. Once you're in a relationship with the quality guy though, learn how to be amazing in bed so his attention isn't grabbed by the "hot"

[–]throwawayindisbelief9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]throwawayindisbelief4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]isaiahsixtyone8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

yeah, i agree that young women’s goal should be becoming a beautiful mature woman, instead of trying to land a good husband. If you become a good wife material, attracting quality men would happen naturally.

[–]yes_kid5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

God bless you for writing this.

[–]mmerijn5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You hit the nail on the head, when I talk with a girl who and to quote you: " drink in excess, and be very sexually forward with the men they wanted attention from." I am certainly not interested in any further interactions; these interactions are akin to a salesman convincing me of how low his prices are. Sure, I am pretty excited at the notion of getting something for cheap, but the only reason for which you would sell at such a low price is if the product isn't worth it, or you are trying to scam me.
I am really looking forward to a second piece; a sequel.

[–]cercieness4 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

The only thing disappointing I found in this post was after reading point "1.", I was frantically waiting, searching and annoyed that there were no point 2, 3, and 4! 😭

[–]kittxxn3 Star[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I’m so sorry! I realized the post was getting quite long but more is definitely coming.

[–]cercieness2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Maybe it was long, but u see when everything u wrote was so powerful and inspiring that this felt like a 30 seconds read. And I must say there were few sentences that really brought me tears, so thank you for this post.

Also with the way u have crafted this post, ur words seem so soothing, you seem to be a very feminine woman. I can feel radiance glowing from this post (sorry if this sounds corny), but what is your current feminine/feminity routine ?

[–]kittxxn3 Star[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you so much! Part 2 is up and I've already got ideas for a third.

I'm not sure if I have an exceptionally special routine, but I make sure my space is clean, I decorate with nice soft colors, candles, and soft blankets, I have warm lights instead of harsh white bulbs, and create a space that makes me feel feminine and comfortable. I have a nice blush pink silk bathrobe that I wear around the house, I try to do a face mask and hair mask every Sunday while I'm doing my laundry, and have made a great relaxing playlist that's always playing around the house, full of songs my SO and I have picked out and remind us of each other. I try to make a good breakfast every morning with eggs, a various carbohydrate (english muffin, tortilla, bagel) with spinach, avocado, salsa, mozzarella, and fresh tomato (I often have very busy days and want to make sure I get at least one good meal). I also take every chance when the weather is nice to sit outside a few minutes every day, and especially on the days I don't have time to go to the gym, I love taking even a 10 minute walk around the neighborhood. I also try to do my nails every Sunday, with just a slightly opaque nude polish and cleaning up the edges. Also, once I'm making more money, would love to always have fresh flowers in the house - they always put me in such a good mood!

[–]Ketosizeme1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m dying right now! I was going to reply to a post from a young woman who was going to become a SAHW and was going to suggest beautifully scented candles and occasional fresh flowers but I thought it sounded corny and old fashioned. (coming from me it probably is)

I will admit that as a mom, I neglect my more dainty self care routines. They seemed tedious and unnecessary when faced with the realities of Mt. Washmore and supervising math homework. Now that my boys are grown, I’m revisiting my self care routines and taking a little extra care. But it’s interesting because I still feel a little guilty and indulgent taking the time.

Thank you for your essays. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed them.

[–]CalvinRichland2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well done

[–]LooksSafeFromFarAway 1 points [recovered]  (3 children) | Copy Link

This is all very good and I agree, but my first reaction is shame. As a 37yr old mom whose been married very happily for over 15 years it makes me wonder: have moms checked out? What are we teaching our daughters and sons that this level of confusion, aversion to self evaluation, low expectations of self and others is okay? Are we just tossing them out of the house and hoping they get it right accidentally? Sorry if this is random, but the age of the OP sticks out to me, and maybe it's because I've been reading the marriage and relationships subreddits, but it's scary to me how little we equip our kids for the harsh realities of the big bad world.

[–]kittxxn3 Star[S] 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Most moms are doing a fine job, but they have to now compete with feminism, their teachers, the media, and a community that tells them that being hot is the only way to find a man. They’re also dating young men that have been watching porn daily since they first got access to the internet at age 12, and not a magazine or two like your generation, but an endless supply of brutal and vivid sex. Girls feel like they have to compete with that too. We have completely lost traditional values on the coasts, and often makes me wonder if I should move somewhere in the middle of the US before having children of my own.

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Texas is awesome. Just avoid Austin.

[–]RainingGlitter280 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thankyou for writing this. Please write more x

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Wonderful piece, thank you.

[–]Shaktimaan_v14 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy Link

Holy shit where do you all live???!!!

[–]LuckyLittleStarModerator | Lil'Star[M] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

No petting the unicorns.

[–]TheTyke0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

FYI neither of the strategies are more animalistic than the other. Animals and Humans do both and both evolved together. Just different strategies for different circumstances. It isn't about a lack of love or care for the children, either. At least not in Animals. It's often just sadly dictated by circumstance that the Males aren't around.

The crisis of abscent fatherhood in Humans though is arguably more a social problem in our societies.

[–]bluntbutnottoo 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy Link

What a load of nonsense.

This is all fairy tales.

As someone who married young, and since happily divorced, I heard of this ad nauseam before I met my ex. It's all lies, women tell themselves to make believe they have some sort of control over the madness and uncertainty of dating.


That's it.

Put a gun to their head and demand, "Why her?", and I guarantee you, he couldn't tell you. They just love.

I've seen good men attach themselves to worthless undeserving mates.

Trying to make sense out of love, desire and emotions is like trying to knock down a brick wall by banging your head against.

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Just because you don't know something, doesn't mean the knowledge doesn't exist.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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