When a man and a woman fight in an egalitarian relationship, they each have to play two roles: a lawyer, the person responsible for laying out the merits of their case, and a jury member, the person who was to hear the lawyer's arguments and carefully deliberate to make an objective decision.

Ideally, both partners do their best to fulfill both roles so that the best argument prevails. But juries are notorious for being unpredictable even when they're unbiased - how much worse would it be, then if each jury member were working for either the prosecution or the defense?

In contrast, when conflict occurs in a male-led relationship, there is no jury. Instead, the man takes on the role of the judge.

He hears the woman's argument, his hears his own (sometimes privately in the judge's chambers), and then issues an objective ruling.

This setup typically results in much less conflict as there is no back and forth between lawyers or jury members. While a jury may take hours to reach a consensus, a judge could potentially make a decision as soon as they've heard arguments from both sides.

The man feels honored to be entrusted with his special place in the court, taking the job very seriously. He must be responsible with his power, balancing his own needs, his partner's needs, and their relationship as a whole.

The woman may feel relief at only needing to play the role of lawyer, now getting to focus on making the best argument she can. She must respect the decision once it's made, accepting the man did his best to make an objective decision.

Every man will make mistakes at times (and this should be handled with grace, not as an excuse to swoop in and snatch the power), though some men are more suited for the role of impartial judge than others. Here are some positive signs to look for:

  • he doesn't have lingering resentment
  • he is able to acknowledge strong points made by the opposing side, even when emotions are high
  • he enjoys having and resolving discussions
  • he will properly weigh both logical and emotional arguments
  • he will help to argue your side in pursuit of the best solution

What a male-led relationship shouldn't look like:

  • One where the judge dismisses cases before hearing your argument.
  • One where you are too intimidated to even petition the court.
  • One where you accuse him of bias or sabotage the outcome whenever he sides against you.

This dynamic requires concessions from both sides and plenty of trust, but it can reward you with a relationship that feels more natural for both parties and less friction overall.

While this post may not have much value to those familiar with the Captain/First Mate dynamic , I hope it helps paint a picture for those still learning the concept.

Note: for the purposes of this post, a man choosing to delegate is still him making a decision.