I’ve been in a serious RP relationship for some time now but returning to school has led to unique challenges, especially since I’m new to long distance relationships. I am a very empathetic and social person by nature. In the past, I have always maintained a friendly atmosphere between male peers and myself, but now that I’m in a relationship I was expected to draw back from these other men. Of course I complied, but there were certain instances where I felt conflicted because I assumed that the guys in question had pure motives and I didn’t want to be mean or embarrass them. As a result, I was straining myself trying to please both my boyfriend and these men, worrying the entire time that I would have to change my entire personality and not be warm or kind to others.

Recently, a former orbiter volunteered to be my partner for a class project. I couldn’t get out of the pairing, I had skipped class the day the assignment was announced and he took advantage of the fact that I was absent. I didn’t want to work with him but I felt obligated to be especially pleasant during the course of the project so as to not hurt his feelings.

Last night, he and I were in the editing suites, finalising our video, when he began asking me questions that I felt were inappropriate. I let him know that I wasn’t comfortable with the subject and asked to talk about something else, but he ignored this and continued his line of inquiry. At every point I refused to discuss the subject and then I stopped responding to him. He relented eventually but the mood had noticeably shifted and I was overwhelmed with a mix of feelings.

The second I was back in my apartment I skyped my boyfriend to inform him about what occurred and to get his take on things (of course he was already aware of this guy and had predicted this type of situation would happen). At one point, I said, “I know for a fact that [the guy] would have never tried to have that conversation if you were there,” and in that instant I gained a deeper understanding of how I should approach the issue of boundaries and honour my boyfriends expectations. I was so concerned with giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, but in practise this meant I had blindly assumed their innocence instead of assessing the behaviour objectively. Now, I will ask myself if the guy’s behaviour/situation would still happen if my boyfriend was standing next to me. The answer to that question reveals when someone is genuinely being nice and when they are acting with ulterior motives. And it dictates what my next actions should be.

My boyfriend was pleased to hear me arrive at this conclusion. He had seen it all coming and was anticipating that I would go through this entire thought process. While he had always been clear on his position when it comes to my interactions with other men (i.e. that there are none, or as few as possible) he hadn’t made any formal rules. This was not because he didn’t trust that I would follow them, but because he knew that if I learned from experience, the idea would resonate in a stronger way. He was right.

With this slight, yet extremely important shift in thought, I can see exactly how to maintain a distance from other men without losing who I am as a person. I wrongly assumed that if I wasn’t being extremely nice, I had to be terrible and mean, but it’s not a binary, my actions can exist on a spectrum and now I have better tools to decide what is necessary.

I realized on a deeper level that it is my responsibility to make sure that others, especially men, treat me like the taken woman that I am. I cannot allow anyone to disrespect my relationship or my boyfriend. This quick litmus test will allow me to be mindful of how others are treating me (as well as my own actions) so that all behaviour exhibited towards me is appropriate and within the rules established for my relationship.