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A Simple Way to Like Your Man More

July 23, 2022

Finding women on parenting and baby subs blaming their unhappiness on their partner not helping enough is somewhat common.

Finding women here who theorize that their HVM would be perfect if he could just be a little different in some way or another is also easy to find.

What do both of these groups have in common?

They're likely wrong.

The Ben Franklin Effect

As of late, I've found that the more I focus on improving myself and treating my husband as well as I can imagine, the happier I've been with the both of us.

It was clear to me why I'd be proud of myself, but it wasn't intuitive to me why I'd be so thrilled with my husband after I would do something to please him.

When remarking on this to him, he immediately mentioned a sociological phenomenon known as the Ben Franklin effect.

A few hundred years ago, Ben Franklin asked a frosty acquaintance to lend him a rare book. The man agreed. Upon seeing him again, Ben noticed that the man was much kinder and friendly to Ben then ever before.

Asking someone for a favor makes them like you more.

This has held up across a few studies now. My husband explained it as this:

If someone asks you for something, and you comply, the brain rationalizes that you must have agreed because the asker is a person worth doing favors for. You instantly see them in a better light.

When I act in service to my husband, my brain thinks I must be expending effort because he's high value. I then think better of myself, because I am with a man I respect. I'm so happy to be with a HVM and what that implies about me as a woman, that I'm inspired to find more ways to show my affection, and the cycle continues.

The inverse of this is likely true as well.

Take a woman who's cheated on her husband, for example. Her brain will then rationalizes her husband as being gross and unattractive. It does this to protect the woman's ego.

She has to think of her behavior as his fault, because what she did was awful, and we don't feel good about doing awful things to people.

We don't want to think we would be bad to good people. We also don't want to think we would be kind to people who aren't worth the effort.

So our brains don't let us. They step in, altering our perceptions of others to reflect how we treat them.

Therefore, a woman wants to be happier with her partner, I suggest to stop trying to improve him. Improve how you treat him.

Side note

Recently, my husband remarked that my treatment of him made him feel better about himself. His brain rationalized me being nice to him as him being someone deserving of my kindness.

He says he feels more confident and more inspired to improve himself. That wasn't my intention, but it's a lovely unintended consequence.

Lots of happy feelings all around! Thought I would share. I do think a big part of why this can work for me is because I know my husband is a HVM regardless. I'm increasing my estimation of him, but the quality was already there.

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Post Information
Title A Simple Way to Like Your Man More
Author Teacup000
Upvotes 133
Comments 16
Date July 23, 2022 2:45 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
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[–]kulikitakating 19 points20 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I love this , it’s very insightful.

[–]KombuchaEnema3 Stars 45 points46 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

Something I’ve struggled with is identifying the line between “I’m being an unappreciative nagging wife” and “actually, I have a point here.”

I have seen posts on this subreddit and other subreddits where women are putting up with blatantly unacceptable behavior. For example, a woman who works full-time (because her income is necessary) and is still expected to do 100% of the housework.

I tried this method with my husband and it didn’t work. I think that’s what proved to me that the issue was deep-seated and not surface level.

I would clean the entire house, cook a meal from scratch, get all dolled up, spend the entire day thinking about all the things I love about him, telling myself he deserved my service…and when he came home I just couldn’t see him that way no matter how I tried to trick my brain into flipping the script.

My husband is a good man but his untreated ADHD and PTSD put a massive strain on our relationship. He finally agreed to get therapy and that’s been an improvement. Right now I’m in the process of trying to see him as a man rather than a patient or a child (I played the role of therapist and advisor for years), but it’s a hard dynamic to change.

A man who has zero desire to improve will not magically gain that motivation if you treat him well.

So this advice works only with men who are already HVM, at which point I can’t imagine having a small issue with him in the first place.

[–]Cephalan 14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yeah, for the men this works on, it works great. Some men go the other way and it sucks.

My ex was like this. We had a lot of issues around division of labor, so I tried the RPW approach and it just got worse. I would give a little more, he would give a little less and set this as our new standard. I'd give harder, thinking he'd eventually notice and reciprocate, and he'd step back again, do less, and set this as our new standard. If I slipped back to something closer to 50/50, he'd get angry that I was giving less than what he was now accustomed to. If I pointed it out, he'd huff about it and call me a nag. It wasn't intentional, it's just how he subconsciously operated, but it ended up spoiling the relationship and we split.

My current partner is the opposite. Very aware of what I do for him, and very appreciative. The more I give, the more I get, and vice versa. Some men simply are greedy and no amount of sweetness and generosity is going to fix that.

[–]Foxrhapsody 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Same here. I’ve tried the RPW approach in several of my relationships. If he’s a LVM, he’ll take advantage and you’ll become resentful. I’m with a HVM man now and he treats me like a queen. So I treat him just as well.

[–]Ok_Obligation_6110 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m not sure how popular this take is on here but I’m with you on if both spouses are working, you should absolutely NOT be doing all of the housework. Throw kids in there and it’s game over. I don’t care how much you try and read books about surrendering and changing your mindset, it’s absolutely not fair and will always leave you resenting your spouse. I see so many women and men saying ‘oh well his job is harder he makes more money’ unless he’s working 80-100 hours a week and you’re only working 40, you are still spending far more hours doing labor both in and out of the home and you shouldn’t just ever have to just deal with it and ‘change your mindset’.

Im really thankful my husband earns enough that I don’t have to work, but more so, I am really thankful that he even knows this is completely unrealistic. I used to work and I was miserable, we both would be miserable after working 50 plus hour weeks and then having to spend what little time we had leftover just cleaning and cooking. When we agreed for me to leave my job, he didn’t just do it to feel like a provider, he saw it as a worthy trade off for me doing the vast majority of the housework and eventual child rearing. It’s not like he never helps, especially now that I’m pregnant and some things are just harder physically, but he knows that there’s no way we could both be happy long term when women are just naturally expected to do the vast majority of this household labor. Idk if people have blinders on or what but if you’re both working and the woman is still doing the cleaning, cooking, child rearing, you are being taken advantage of. You ARE working more than your husband, and I just can’t imagine how anyone can deal with this long term. Of course marriage isn’t tit for tat and things will never be perfectly equal, but having one person unequally worked 24/7 with little to no rest will inevitably cause problems. I’ve never seen this arrangement literally ever work out for any one long term, even non red pilled feminists fall into this trap despite claiming they work against it.

Even if both are sharing the household responsibilities, women still wind up doing the majority. It’s still going to lead to resentment, especially with children. Then you bicker over percentages of well I work x number of hours more so you should do x more chores. It just turns into another thing to argue about. I don’t really have anything to add then I genuinely think this is why it’s just better to have a trad set up if you have kids and can afford it. At least the roles are explicitly clear, and from there it’s far easier to view extra tasks as ‘doing each other favors’. My husband works, but I’ll proof read his emails for him when he asks, I’m happy to do this as a favor to him and I’m happy that he asks me to! Just how now that I’ve got a round preggo belly I can’t carry the laundry down the narrow stairs to the basement, so I ask my husband to and he’s more than happy to help me as a favor. We know we’re both in the other’s explicit domain and thus willingly doing favors for each other to help lighten the load on each other’s roles.

[–]ParamedicCapable6484 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

U should read the surrendered wife by Laura Doyle. Lots of great advice for your situation. Sounds like you have alot on your plate. Hang in there 🙏 💓

[–]cupieheart 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I second this! The changes from implementing Laura Doyle’s advice won’t happen overnight so you need to be patient but it definitely works if you focus on it!

[–]NevermindTheCrows 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Great point.

My husband also has (I believe) undiagnosed ADHD, and a lot of RPW approaches don't work on him. Like you, I've also tried bending over backwards and doing it all, but it didn't help things. I am MUCH better off just saying things like "can you please wash the dishes while I vacuum" -- then he is generally very happy to help out, and we both feel more connected.

Maybe the Ben Franklin effect is working on him and he feels closer to me after helping me out,

[–]Teacup000[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

A man who has zero desire to improve will not magically gain that motivation if you treat him well.

I agree!

So this advice works only with men who are already HVM

I think you're right about this, which is why I ended my post the way I did.

My husband has the normal failings of a man, but ultimately he has my respect. This is more of a way to take things from good to great. My problem isn't with him so much as it's my perception of him.

at which point I can’t imagine having a small issue with him in the first place.

Give human nature some credit! It's incredibly easy to get used to a new normal. I'm sure you would find plenty XD

[–]hannita 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think you bring a good point. two people working but the wife doing all the work is a mix of modern relationship and old fashion one but it's unfair to the female to keep up with both. if the woman is doing all the housework the man should take on more of a provider role to show his appreciation. issue is that doesn't always happen and everything is 50/50 but the woman is still expected to pick up after the man. it doesn't have to be said with words but in these relationships it often comes off like the husband doesn't fully value his wife if he is completely comfortable giving all the load for her to carry. it's understandable if the woman don't feel happy about it. At the end of the day relationships do take two.

I think Op seems to be talking more about a stereotypical relationship where the woman is a housewife and man solely provides.

[–]abishagofthevalley 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Cant write a lot but just here to tell you that I think about this effect a lot, eversince I first found out about it. I'm happy it works so well 💕 especially that it's CRUCIAL for us to like our spouses. (And ofc be liked in return).

[–]ThymeForEverything 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think there's this disconnect between most people and the real world currently where we often fail to see that our actions and the way we treat people have consequences. A variety of things caused the disconnect but I think once you realize spending your time nagging or bitter or being lazy will only result in reaping animosity in your home it becomes much easier to think about what we say and do each day as something that will payoff even if you feel like not being kind and an being lazy.

[–]hannita1 points [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link

I think the ben franklin affect is real and works, you see it in job settings often when a boss asks one specific person for a favor, but also seems like talking about two different things. often the woman who complain their husbands aren't helping out enough are also working full time jobs along with their husbands but the husband expects them to do housework on top of it. a lot of woman on this sub seem to want to be a housewife but it isn't always an option for people with lower incomes. if two people are working living a modern relationship but one is expected to hold old fashion values while the other isn't, then it isn't really a fair trade.

ben franklin affect doesn't really work when your spouse isn't appreciative, in the way they speak or act.

[–]Teacup000[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What I'm trying to refer to in this post is doing your spouse a favor ("an act of kindness beyond what is due or usual") to improve how much you like them. I'm not referring to acts within a normal division of labor. It must be seen as above-and-beyond to them as well as you.

[–]faceperfect4radio 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Can you give examples of asking for help?

[–]Rose_Tremiere 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Love this post and saved it. Thanks so much for sharing. It makes a ton of sense and it's really inspiring!

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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