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Advice on fading a friendship

September 12, 2016

So I live abroad, I found an LTR about four months in. Before that, however, of course I had to make friends with anybody I could to go out and meet people. One of those girls is a 32yo extremely overweight American girl who is argumentative and feminist (seriously, it's difficult to meet young women in my country.)

Although I knew I didn't really like her as a person, I kept up a friendship because I met some other younger girls through her (I don't work in a field where there's a lot of single people). She really enjoys my company because I'm easygoing and fun and also live in proximity to her. However, she's a bit toxic, complaining, depressed, negative...basically I'm trying to fade out this friendship...

What's a graceful way of declining invitations? I usually say I'm spending time with my boyfriend or other Asian people (because she doesn't speak our language) but the problem is there are a few girls I met through her whom I do enjoy, and it feels evil to contact the other girls without her because I was her friend "first."

Any advice?

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Post Information
Title Advice on fading a friendship
Author vanBeethovenLudwig
Upvotes 6
Comments 9
Date September 12, 2016 11:06 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
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[–]rprollerEndorsed Contributor5 points6 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Is there anything in particular that sets off her negative/toxic attitudes (assuming she's not like that 100% of the time)? I ask because on one hand, she does sound like more trouble than she's worth--at the moment. OTOH, I think you owe it to her to at least try to salvage something since you would not have met your other friends without her.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Eeehh honestly she's kind of like that in general. Anything little sets her off. Sometimes I don't know how to have a one on one conversation with her because she's always complaining and I feel like I'm expected to complain with her. That being said, I don't mind her company in a big group of people...that's the problem. I've stopped actively making individual plans with her and I still accept group invitations but the problem is declining individual invitations from her, especially being that we used to go out for dinner often just the two of us.

[–]rprollerEndorsed Contributor3 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

How do you tend to respond when she starts being negative? Have you told her how you feel about her attitude? Some people are just totally unaware that they give off such negative energy.

I have a male friend who is very similar to yours--overweight, complaining all the time, things are never his fault, etc. It got to the point where I'd avoid calls from him because I knew it was going to be nothing but whining and bitching. Eventually I straight-up told him, "I don't mind listening to some of your serious problems because I am your friend, but lately I feel more like your therapist because I give you suggestions and you shoot all of them down. It's exhausting, and quite frankly it's not my job to solve your problems." He was somewhat surprised, but overall very apologetic because he knew he was abusing our friendship. He now calls far less as often, and when he does its for just a few minutes and not a 2-hour cheese and whine festival.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I usually don't say much and sympathize with her. Obviously we all need friends to talk to about problems so I understand this, but she's pretty stubborn. I think we're both different people as well, I like to solve my problem and then keep it out of the way, while she likes to hash over everything and analyze it.

That's a good idea of calling her out on it. I think she knows she's unpleasant, she's admitted it and she's also actively trying to lose weight but I can't stand to be with her when she's telling me she had peanut butter for dinner last night and she's 32 years old. I'm hesitant to bluntly criticize someone's faults to their face and not care about their feelings because I strongly believe in karma and relationships. I generally don't like to be on anybody's bad side for the reason of my own morale. I would just feel bad...

I guess the good thing is when I see women like this, it makes me work even harder to not turn out that way, so it's extra motivation for me, haha!

[–]OneMadDwarf2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm hesitant to bluntly criticize someone's faults to their face and not care about their feelings

There is a difference between being straight-forward and telling someone that if Chernobyl and a shrieking harpy had a baby it would be them. You can phrase things in a way that is direct and considerate.

Consider the honest approach. You don't need a speech, but just call her out on her negativity every time it happens. "Don't be so negative." Eventually, one of two things is likely to happen: either she'll realize she's being toxic and make a sincere effort to change (best case, unlikely), or she'll decide that she doesn't want to hang out with you anymore because you're not nodding your head and joining in the pity-party. (Most likely, since people like this usually just want someone to validate their feelings.)

[–]rprollerEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm hesitant to bluntly criticize someone's faults to their face

You bring up a good point; in my situation I think it was okay because I've known him for the better part of a decade now. But it doesn't sound like you have that kind of relationship with this girl. Also she is female, and we all know that females are generally not very good at taking direct criticism, especially when it is unsolicited.

I guess the good thing is when I see women like this to makes me work even harder to not turn out that way

Yep yep!

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You're right, I don't think it will go well at all. I think I'll just keep my distance from individual hangouts and if she's really getting on my nerves I'll make a joke about her unpleasantness or whatever. Thanks for the advice!

[–]Delixcroix4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Stop skirting a complicated matter and do what is best for yourself. Her feelings at the end of the day don't very much matter.

She can handle her feelings and you simply need to do what is best for you. However blunt you need to be to this end is up to you.

If it comes dowm to it honesty is always the best policy. Your just not all about the feminist hate Pyramid schemes and if you have to tell her that and let her have her fat feminist meltdown that isn't the biggest deal.

Certainly not a problem that would persist for more then an uncomfortable day or two.

Start by not making plans with her and go from there.

[–]pinkdrawings0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I see a lot of people giving advice on how to just be blunt about it. I'm going to assume that if you wanted to do that - you would have.

So how to fade a friend (while still being polite/on good terms because I'm assuming you want no drama). Don't text back as fast. Be polite when you're around, but don't engage in any of her annoying behaviors. If you're hanging out in groups - be polite. You'll start drama with other people if you're not. Just focus more on conversation with the other people in the group. Don't feel bad for hanging out with your other friends.

If she asks about whats going on - just say you've been in a weird mood lately, and leave it at that.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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